Hand holding please!!! SS are thinking of taking my mum into residential care...

[EasyToEatTiger]

Mum has Alzheimer's and is being 'cared for' by my dad. My dad is a control freak and won't let anyone near my mum to help her dress or wash. This anyone includes me and my siblings. At the moment she goes to bed in her clothes, wakes up in them, goes back to bed in them.... It is awful.
I said that they can come here over Christmas IF we have a carer in the house as there are too many people to look after without one, especially with 2 demented oldies. I know my dad will make life very difficult to maintain control and get his own way.

Is the solution really only to let SS come in and take over? I think mum would end up in a home and my dad in a psychiatric hospital.

Is this the right forum for this kind of thing???

Sounds awful for your mum, maybe speak to SS or mum GP, it almost sounds like abuse. My mum has alzheimers and I know how scary it is to contemplate a home but it may be for the best. Is your mum on any medication, eg aricept for her dementia? Mums been in her home 2.5 years now and she is so much better, well fed, well clothed, clean and entertained the difference is amazing.

Your dad sounds like He needs help as well.

Something needs to happen because your mum is actually experience neglect at the moment

If SS get involved, they won't just whip her away, they will try and work with your dad first.

Where we live the Council have a Care Direct phone line for all the services and you could ring up and have a chat about this. Your DM is a Vulnerable Adult and needs someone to stand up for her right to be clean and cared for properly. That may be difficult for you to do seeing as it is your DF who is her carer. If it was a stranger you wouldn't hesitate to report this situation would you?
I think you should either ask her GP for advice or ring Care Direct or the local equivalent and ask for help. If they think you are overreacting they will tell you. But you are not

I am sorry to hear this, but do you not feel it would be better if your mother was to go into residential care where she could be cared for? Her standard of care is inadequate, she needs to regain her dignity. It is a dreadfully sad situation but they are clearly not coping. His inability to accept a care package in the home makes this inevitable.

My own mum initially refused a care package and kept ringing up cancelling, whilst I then rang to reinstate. She came to accept this and had regular baths, changes of clothes etc. Sadly, she began falling and it was inevitable she would need to move into residential care.

Your dad needs a full assessment as well. There is no way you could cope with two people with dementia believe me.

You don't say whether you have Power of Attorney. You will have a say in where your parents are placed and you need to have a look round. My mum went into a home that took people with dementia, but they could not cope when her condition deteriorated into severe dementia and she had to move to a home with nursing care. ss should explain the options to you and do make sure they do not try to place her miles from you.

Sorry I could not offer you a more palatable solution. I hope things get sorted.

Hi OP. Your DF is controlling because he can't cope and he's terrified.

DW has had several residents over the years where the wife has dementia and the husband has tried and failed to cope. They all have the same fear in common: that this is the end and their DW will wind up drooling in a chair for a month and die emaciated.

That doesn't happen, and DW will visit them at home andtell them so. She can design a care plan that husbands have input into, and they'll be kept in the loop.

Your Dad won't take it well at first, but a good home manager can persuade him that both of them will be far better off.

My thoughts and prayers for you and your parents.

Sorry for dripping: DW reckons the best course is to tell the GP first, and he'll send the District Nurse or the CPN. Depending on their findings, SS can then sort out the care package.

HTH.

Thank you all for your responses. Yes it is abuse. It's so so sad. My dad has always been like this. He is an abusive man and has left in his wake a trail of destruction and emotional chaos. Both parents are classed by SS as Vulnerable Adults and SS have been working hard on a plan to look after them. The problem is that whenever they come up with something, my dad packs my mum up in the car and drives off to their holiday home. The problem is compounded by my brother who lives at their home and it's very likely that they feel the need to move out as he's so fucked up and drinks and loses his temper.
My parents (particularly my father) have really big problems with boundaries and my dbs have never grown up adequately. I too had huge problems and still struggle.

It sounds like you have a difficult relationship with your father/ family and are in a complicated situation.

I think what you need to do is separate those feelings and issues and concentrate on one thing. The most pressing issue here is your DM who is suffering neglect. Whether that is through fear, control or confusion, it is still neglect and as she has Alzheimer's she presumably is unable to make any competent decisions for herself.

You need to become her voice. Her basic needs are not being met. This will only get worse. She needs to be somewhere where she is safe, fed and clean. It sounds so simple but I know it isn't. This will undoubtedly cause ructions in your family and with your father but you must start the ball rolling.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Alzheimer's is terrible. My DM is now later stage and in full nursing care. I still have constant battles over various aspects of her care but at least I know she is being cared for.

My brothers and I are doing our best to give mum a voice. We, and Dad have shared POA. The ball is rolling. Rather fast! My dad has a special skill in making family members become self-invisible, and I think that's at least in part what's happened to Mum. SS asked me if I thought Mum was safe with my dad. Safe enough, probably, but not dignified. Most other members of the family are bloody useless. They see my parents and think how lucky everyone is to have Dad at the helm. They think Dad is the most marvelous carer, and do not believe us, the children, that all is not as it seems. I have been told by an aunt that my interpretation of dad's behaviour is wrong.

You see that is often a problem. The carer is elevated to a kind of sainthood by outsiders. Just because they appear to be coping, they must be coping- isn't that marvellous? And that negates the need for anyone else to step in.

But you know different.

Mums DP was a lovely kind, caring he was also proud and stubborn. Non of the issues you mention with your DF though. It took me months to get him to admit he wasn't coping. He would leave mum in bed most of the day. It was what she wanted, it was easier for him. It was neglect though. I had just helped him arrange day care twice a week when he suddenly had a stroke and died. What I discovered is I should have put my foot down long before.

The thing isit doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Your mum deserves and is entitled to, the best care that she can access. If your DF will not agree to carers inside his home then it means care provided elsewhere. Keep going on with what you are doing. You will need a lot of strength and support going forward.

Thing is, how can anyone know it's safe if you are all excluded ? A friends family in a very similar situation found that the husband had been cleaning his wife's sore bottom with dettol wipes...not abusively but because he thought they were nice and clean. That poor lady must have suffered dreadfully but nobody knew.

Press SS for action.

Good luck and sorry for your problems within the family, there's so much going on behind the scenes, I know. It's easy for us to say just do it...

Much of what is being discussed on this thread is similar to a situation I have with my only surviving relatives (both 89). She can't cope mentally or physically with him. He is blind (but won't admit it or have any help), and is at high risk of falls.

presently he's chosing to stay in bed for prolonged periods, and she can't make him get up or lift him.

Carers are coming in but they are seemingly being sent away.

We're applying for POA but not being direct relatives this is a bit tricky, and she is in enough control mentally to refuse help.

So far he's been taken into hospital for a four-week stint because of bed sores, malnutition, bladder infection and poor hygiene (he has a colostomy).

As much as is possible remotely (I'm 40 miles away, study p/t and have a toddler), I'm involving SS etc.

The main issue is that they NEED to go into residential care but they refuse to accept or admit this.

Any help or advice I can glean from reading other people's experiences is therefore helpful.

OP, I hope you find a way through this.

What people are writing looks so familiar! Yes, dad leaves mum in bed all day. I have no idea if she enjoys it, then packs her off in the car like a suitcase to avoid SS. SS are v worried about both of them.

I've told parents SW about my plans for Christmas. I've also told my dad that we are getting help in the house. It dawned on me that he won't actually allow anyone to help. Not even me. I will contact the SW and let them know the care agency I have found and see what they can do. It has taken a very long time to get anywhere at all.

I would be worried that he could be hiding something like bedsores. Could your GP help at all?

I don't think he'd deliberately hide anything. On the rare occasions that I do see my parents, I help mum to the loo and I haven't noticed anything. I haven't helped her bathe though.

The point is easytiger that whilst your DM might be reasonably safe and fit right now, it will only get worse. The thing that convinced mums DP to accept help was when he found her crawling on the floor in the middle of the night, having had a fall in the bathroom.

The Alzheimer's makes people become unsteady, all the staying in bed (because it's easier, they're "safe" there) isn't good, decreases muscle tone and makes a fall more likely. Falls are disastrous for dementia sufferers and they deteriorate quickly. Not to mention what happens if something happens to your DF? Mums DP had his stroke outside in the street. If it had been a few minutes earlier they would have been inside the house. God knows how long it would have been before it was discovered and mum would just have been alone, in bed, possibly for days.

I'm sorry. I sound all doom and gloom. We have been through so much in the last 18 months. I do wish you luck. Keep going. You will find you are stronger than you think.

Thank you for your kind words, Downton. Dad has been read the riot act by SS and there is now a carer going in twice a day. I hope this bodes well for when they come and see us! It is a wretched disease and so utterly hopeless. Only one way out...