Counselling? Moving on after infidelity

[Notnastypasty]

I was hoping someone could give me an opinion on whether they found marriage counselling helpful after their parnters affair? My dh is willing to go for counselling and has been (brutally) honest about things and we have done alot of talking/crying/arguing etc. I can see from the amount of threads on mn that I am not alone and am hoping someone who has been there can nudge me in the right direction! I've heard alot of bad things about relate etc and not sure if it would help or not.

I suppose I want my husband to do some soul searching as to why he crossed boundaries and let this happen (we have talked this through, unhappy with somethings in our relationship, opportunity, someone else fancying him was flattering) - everyone who meets him says what a nice genuine guy he is, it never crossed my mind for a minute that he would ever do this. Would counselling help with this?

It was more of an emotional affair and I think with alot of work we can move forward - he says he will never do this again as he can't believe the amount of pain he has caused - family and friends who know about this also think it was a huge mistake that he will never repeat but I'm wondering what anyone else has done to try and safeguard against future heartbreak (apart from leaving which I dont want to do). We always said that if one of us was unhappy we would talk it out, if either of us ever was attracted to someone else we would back away from the situation - unfortunately it wasnt put into practice when temptation arose. Any gems of wisdom?

We are going to counselling - not through relate, but a private therapist. I have found that it is useful as it gives us a chance to really focus on communicating for an hour in a neutral environment where we are both prompted to think a bit more deeply about things. It is helping. We try to carry on the discussions at home - it is harder as life gets in the way - but we are trying to keep communication open. We also came up with a vision/plan as to what our ideal relationship would look like with some rules as to how we should treat each other - and we are trying to stick to it. It is easy to lapse into old habits which is why the weekly counselling serves as a good reminder.

Here are some of the commitments we made to each other:

1. be transparent
2. be kind
3. be honest
4. have regular communications - big stuff and small stuff
5. talk about the little stuff
6. at the end of the evening clear the air. don't go to sleep with an issue
7. agree a weekly talk timetable
8. agree to plan our week together
9. forgive day to day lapses

10.accept the process will involve emotion and upset and all the other rawness of the first few weeks

And the end goals of how we wanted our marriage to be:

1. continually see and rediscover why we first fell in love with each other
2. rediscover our sense of fun and adventure
3. be a couple, not just parents
4. have shared and individual interests
5. be interested in each other
6. be compassionate, caring and loving to each other
7. accept each others failings/cut each other some slack

Hope that helps. Good luck xx

Thanks so much for replying PTFs - that really is helpful. I think if we go down the counselling route it would be somewhere other than relate as have heard a few bad things. I like the idea of setting out commitments/end goals as I feel like I am flailing about looking for direction!
Do you mind me asking how far into recovery you are and how long you have been going for counselling? x

Once a cheat always a cheat?? You will never really find out the total truth, good luck

For me counselling brought out some horrible truths - ExH was still seeing other woman despite all the tears and soul searching. He also blamed me for his affair, plus he said he had thought it was wrong from virtually the day we got married.
We were told 50% of couples choose to go their separate ways. Needless to say we are not together any more.

It was more of an emotional affair

I'm unclear what you mean by this. Was it an emotional affair, or a physical one?

I found out about his affair less than two months ago. We started counselling three weeks ago - have had three sessions. The first one we gave her an overview of what had happened. The second one we discussed the state of our relationship before the affair and what was wrong. The last one was about how to handle some of the issues/triggers that were coming up. The next one we are going to be talking in detail about the affair itself - giving me the chance to ask questions that I haven't yet had answered and for my husband to try to figure out why he did it. Thereafter I am not sure how many more sessions we will have. We do need to have a discussion/help about sex. We haven't had sex since I found out about the affair. And I am not sure how to get to that point. That may take a while.

He is also going to try see a therapist on his own to work through some of his issues about why he did this and I am seeing a life coach this week to try help boost my self esteem and keep me focused on making me happy. If I am happy, we stand a better chance of us being happy.

On the point of once a cheater, always a cheater. I disagree. Of course it is early days for us and who knows, he may cheat again. But I doubt it. He has shocked himself deeply by what he has done and full of remorse. He is trying to work through it. He knows that if he does it again he will get no more chances. But he has disgusted himself with this, so I can't see him doing it again. It has opened his eyes to what he has to lose and made him realise for the first time in a long time that he really wants to be here for us.

So OP it is possible to recover. But your H has to be fully committed to the process.

"He has shocked himself deeply by what he has done"

How does that work?

Was he shocked all the time while he was shagging her?

Or just after you found out about it?

Notnastypasty - yes, it's a good idea if you can find the right therapist for you two. For example here's a directory:

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/infidelity.html

I suggest selecting couple therapists in your area, choosing one or more whose work you like the look of and ringing for a chat. Many offer a free initial consultation. I think it's a highly personal decision and worth spending time to find someone you feel comfortable with. We've been lucky and it's helped us a great deal but as with anything the wrong therapist can make everything worse! I don't hear great things of cc with Relate although individual support from their counsellors was useful for us in the early stages.

'I suppose I want my husband to do some soul searching as to why he crossed boundaries and let this happen'

That would be good - though we like to think we've arrived at a decision to soul-search for ourselves, so it's a tricky one for you. Kindness on your part will help.

Don't be put off by negative comments. Good luck :)