oh boy just blew up at dad

[SSSandy]

Dad arrived for a vist last night and today I blew up at him, stormed out of the house and went for a 2 hour walk to calm down, came back in the door and had a huge argument with him again.

It's not that he does anything really bad but it's just his manner that provokes me and to be honest we've never got along. I do care about him and we get on ok via email/phone but not in person. I feel tense, nervous when he's around and I don't know how to handle this now. He's obviously offended now and he's here for 4 weeks.

Help!

is it possible to interact, but not interact iyswim? exchange pleasantries, be hospitable but don't enter into any deeper conversation? if he tries, just smile sweetly and change the subject. but i don't know what your arguments are about and whether it's possible to do that.

he's travelling round the world right?

Yes, he's travelling for 3 months in all. I was tense in anticipation of his arrival really, i.e. dreading it. It's not that we have deep conversations but what happens is I say something I have planned for dd or whatever and he overrides it and any reasons I give, then I fly off the handle. Or he gives me orders rather than asking me to do something and it gets my back up, he assumes he has the final say on everything.

Really need to Zen it but I am dreading the next 4 weeks. Hope I don't get into such a horrendous argument that we end up breaking off all contact.

Message withdrawn

In the end dior, we discovered Denmark! Had already cancelled our holiday for mid-end July. Luckily there seem to be some nice houses available for the first two weeks of August so we are trying to choose one of them. We can just drive up there from here, so it's quite convenient, doesn't involve flights etc. It's not quite what I had in mind, bit quiet maybe, but everyone says it's a nice place to take kids.

he sounds very difficult. how about not entering into a discussion about it ie. you say what you've planned and he tries to argue, you could say 'maybe another day. today we've planned this' and just 'hmmm' when he tries to argue further, but stand your ground. or include him on the decision making so the situation doesn't arise. on the ordering front, you could say 'ask nicely' as if you were talking to your dd in a jokey type voice and see if it sinks in. i tried this with my mum and didn't pull it off very well, but she got the message.

on the other hand maybe he finally needs to realise that he's in your house as your guest, and what you say goes. perhaps it will just take one incident where you stand up to him and he'll realise and change. difficult one. sorry i can't be of more help!

no, it does help, thanks for your thoughts. I went to aerobics this morning and gave it my all , really thundered about and got it all out of my system. He is trying to be very conciliatory today. Just take it one day at a time I guess - makes 26 more days....

is that 26 days and counting

Good post warthog.

Sandy - I'm glad you're having a holiday after all. A friend of mine's family always goes to a house in Denmark in the summer and she likes it so much she still goes with them most years - and she's in her mid-20s. It's apparently very pretty and unlikely to be too hot, but likely to be nice and warm.

I'm sorry things are not easy with your dad. I know you want to give him a nice stay. He shouldn't really be overriding your plans and decisions for/in your family, though - and he certainly shouldn't be giving orders in your house. He is a guest - try and remember that, and avoid getting into discussion. Be pleasant but firm

Will we overlap in Berlin at all? We'll be there the first 3 weeks in August.