Teetering on the edge..

[JackieOHH]

Hi, needing some support as I'm on the edge of something..
My dad has recently been diagnosed with cancer, he's almost 80, and has refused surgery. Today he's decided to have chemo & radiotherapy, but having had both of these myself I know it ain't no walk in the park.
I'm an only child,with 2 dc (17 & 11), and I'm supporting dad, supporting mum,and only telling my dc what I think they can cope with....

My oh is great, but doesn't know what to say, and I can count on my thumbs the real life friends I have to talk to...
Many people over the past few years have turned their back on me, some my fault, some theirs....but right now I need help.

One friend hasn't texted or spoken to me since end of August when I last did her a favour...
I had to take dad to an early appointment last week, and had nobody I could ask to help with my 11 year old ( breakfast, getting off to school). My childless friend from the other side of town offered, but no one from nearby, and the favours I've done for these people.....

Makes you realise.
My 17 yr old did it in the end as she was in college late that day, but I felt quite alone. No help from all these people I've helped.

Am I rambling?? I know I am, but I'm hurt, confused and worried sick.
Just had to write it down.

Realised who my friends are ( there aren't many of them either!).. And I supported one friend through her mums illness & death & she hasn't even sent 1 supportive message.
( it's on fb as I have family & friends abroad to update).....

So sorry to hear the news about your dad and concerned you feel teetering on the edge from lack of support around you. people you know via FB may not have responded to you on there through a fear of not knowing what to say in a situation like this, just like you say OH is great but doesnt know what to say.

how are you at asking for help? specifically saying "i need you to help me with X right now?"

from experience, i have found help from the most unlikely sources in the past when I have had my back up against the wall and had to ask rather than just HOPE people will help. it's hard to ask. really, REALLY hard. but some of the people in your life may just surprise you. x

I agree with Lightning that it is fine to ask specific people for actual help. A call, a text...

I have been really ill this summer and it did surprise me who was 'there' and who wasn't. But the nicest surprise was being able to ask some acquaintances for help and they really did come through.

Thanks ladies... I feel like I'm in a foggy cloud and can't see the way out....this is such a nightmare, and I do feel quite alone.
I have my best friend in America who is being very supportive, allbeit long distance! My best friend from school,who is just fab but works full time,I don't work.
My oh, but sometimes I feel like I'm bothering him, it's his face, dunno...he says it's hard for him cos he went thru it all with me ( cancer, 1998).
Anyway,I will. Plod on no doubt.thanks again

I'm very sorry, you must feel you are clinging to a raft in a very big ocean. You came through a massively difficult time yourself and now you have this to contend with. I expect you know them already but I found Macmillan Cancer Support very helpful. It doesn't make up for friends ducking out or not knowing what to say or do but they're experts.

Nothing ask, nothing get, so start cultivating your 11 year old's friends' families. It is horrible being pushy but sometimes people can respond really helpfully. Another time if there is an early appointment you might be able to drop DC(11) off at a friend's.

Without upsetting the children you may have to give more information as time goes on, they will notice you fretting or upset.

Do you know your parents' neighbours? Are they on good terms with them? Wondering if they can look in on them from time to time. In a crisis it can help to have someone your mum or dad can go to and ask them to reach you.

Make surer you get some quiet time for yourself to re-charge the batteries. OH may find it hard to talk about but he can take you out at the weekend and help keep the normal sanity-saving routines going.

PS have you seen Elderly Parents in the MN section called Other Stuff, and Life-limiting Illness in the Health section may offer practical help.

Thanks Donkeys
You're kind words are much appreciated.
Their neighbours are all elderly so not a great deal of help, but I've emailed a couple who they've been friends with for years, and they've said they'll get in touch.
I'm taking dad for his treatment a few rtimes, and I'm taking my 11 yr old with me on Tuesday as I feel it'll help if he sees where grandad goes and what happens ( radiotherapy).
I'm thinking of contacting Macmillan but the nurse in charge of this kind of cancer said THEY would do all the things that Macmillan do, but that doesn't make sense to me, as they are there for the medical side etc, whereas Macmillan help emotionally & practically.
Thanks all for your support....it's nice to know people are 'there'!

Sometimes I don't check Facebook for weeks or there's just too much general stuff on there to see the important bits but if I got an email or phonecall from a good friend who needed help, I'd pull out all the stops to lend a hand.

Definitely worth asking those you trust for help directly.

Have just looked at the website for what used to be called WRVS but is now called the Royal Voluntary Service www.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk and if you put in your father's postcode they might be able to offer some practical help.

It is tough as we watch our parents age and harder still if their health declines. You need to be able to vent when possible so hope some friends can offer an ear or some lighter moments to balance out the worrying times.

And of course the vipers on MN .

My oh is great, but doesn't know what to say

My oh, but sometimes I feel like I'm bothering him

Jackie - How exactly is your OH being great in this situation? If he's so great, he should be your first and foremost source of support. That's kind of the whole point of having an OH. I get that maybe he doesn't know what to say. I get that emotionally it may be hard for him having gone through it before. Fine. But that's no reason he can't step up and offer practical support. He should be the one to give 11yo breakfast and take her to school. Period. I can only assume the reason he doesn't is because of work. So he tells his work you have to take your dad to chemo and he has to help with your dc (are they his dc too? if you've been together since 1998 then I assume so) - so he tells his work he has to take his DC to school.

I'm sorry but this seems pretty clear to me and I'm really surprised no one else has mentioned it yet.

pepper my oh is the father! and he works very hard. He is my first source of support, but have you ever watched someone nearly die in front of you? That's what happened with us, my tumour choked me, and he was on the phone to the ambulance service, whilst it laid on our bed dying.
Then several times after that ( obviously having been saved, but it was CLOSE), having to rush me to hospital whilst I had a raging temperature on chemo.
I wouldn't ask him to be off work to tend to our 11 yr old, unless it WAS life or death as he is very busy at work, and I knew I could manage, somehow.
If I needed him to he'd drop everything and come home, the day they told dad he might have 12 months left, I knew if I rang him he'd be there.
Thanks again everyone, I have very few friends, but I've learnt who is there for me,and those who aren't.