Am I about to throw everything away?

[stevea565]

Can I first state, I'm new here so have no idea about the etiquette of the forum or any of the abbreviation, so please be gentle.

Right now my life is in turmoil.
I've been married for nearly 18 years to a wonderful person. She is the nicest kindest and most caring person I know and a wonderful mother to our children, sounds ideal doesn't it/

However for at least the last 10 years our marriage has been virtually sexless and lacked any emotional maintenance ( both 45).
I've lost count of the number of times we have discussed it and the effect it has on the relationship. She understands all this but seems unwilling or unable to do anything about it, she just has no drive ( yes she did go to the doctor many years ago)

In addition to this we have very different interests and different friends, we are now at the stage where it feels like we exist purely has parents.

Recently I met up with someone from a long time ago who is also in a long term relationship and my head is all over the place, as is hers.
It was meant to be just a casual drink and catch up but it stirred so much up for both of us. I know it's irrational and I'm not stupid or naive but we just want to be together right now.

It seems the only thing I can really do is be miserable as the alternative is inflicting a great deal of pain on everyone around me.

Help!

If you do think you can no longer maintain your marriage, you need to divorce your wife and then think about getting together with this woman.

Having a sexless marriage is no excuse for an affair OP.

You'll inflict even more pain if you continue with this behind your wife's back.

You can't help how you feel but you are fully in control of your actions. Don't hedge your bets while you're seeing how it goes/develops. How do you know your wife isn't feeling the same? Maybe she's been meeting up with an ex too and is just keeping you around out of duty...How would you feel, eh?

If I'm honest, I don't think I'm emotionally equipped to have an affair.
But the impact on my wife and children of a divorce would be massive.

I'm not trying to justify having an affair and as yet nothing has happened between me an the other person.

Please read some of the threads on here written by women who's partners are having emotional and or physical affairs. Do you love your wife? Care for her? I can't imagine you would want to inflict even a fraction of the hurt an affair would cause on her if you do.

I disagree that nothing has happened yet, it has. You are sharing an emotional connection with someone other than your wife. It was that aspect of my DH's affair that hurt me more than the sex. Sex is sex, it can mean nothing. An emotional connection means something. That hurts, and the pain is indescribable.

Please talk to your wife. Tell her the lack of physical affection has become too much, and you need this in a relationship. If you cannot have it together then it is best for all parties that you go your separate ways.

Don't confuse your current heady rush of infatuation with 'love', it isn't. It's all kinds of things, but it isn't worth destroying two families over, because once you go down that road there is no going back. Marriages can survive affairs but they are not the same afterwards. I speak from experience. My DH and I are closer and happier than ever, but I suspect that one day in the future I will walk out. Perhaps not for years, but one day.... The hurt he inflicted, it scarred to deep.

Having a sexless relationship and leading separate lives are more than justifiable reasons for ending the marriage. They are not justifiable reasons for having an affair, though they oft-used excuses.

You have met someone who has sparked a reawakening in you. Make sure you're not rewriting the history of your marriage as a result. If your marriage has been sexless for the last 10 years, then you're probably not. But make sure that's not a translation of: for the last 10 years your sex life has not been as active as you'd have liked in terms of excitement and frequency, rather than being completely absent. That's not the same thing at all. From what you've said though, you've tried to address this time after time with no success. No one can blame you for not trying.

Where people go wrong with separation is the idea that it always has to be one person's fault. It makes things combative as each partner does their utmost to avoid being seen as the person responsible for the breakdown, which nearly always results in attempted character assassination of their spouse. IRL things are usually a lot more complicated than that. Sometimes relationships just come to an end. It's no one's fault. You just grow apart and lose the connection. The disappearance of sex in a relationship where it was once a regular feature is a classic indication of that. In your case that was quite some time ago.

It's time to ask yourself what you want most - married life without sex, or sex without your family. Because from the sounds of it, you can't have both.

Thank you all for making the effort to respond.
The sex is a part of it, but it's the physical and emotional closeness that I crave. I've been down about this for a very long time, long before the recent encounter. I really have lost count of the amount of times we have tried to discuss the issue.
I'm under no illusion of what is currently happening, but for a long time I've felt that, when the children grow up, we cease to have enough to hold us together. ( they are 12 and 14 ).

Someone said earlier about how I'd feel if my wife met someone else.
It's something I've though of in the past and no doubt while I'd be sad, I'd also be happy that she had met someone who had the same interests and clearly gave her what I wasn't.

While I'm a very good provider and protector, I know I'm lacking many other areas.

This incident has just bought things to a head.

Part of me just wants to run away and hide.

You may be being very selfish, if you think I am please say so.

( I know I'm babbling, sorry)

TBH it sounds as though it's been over for some time and you just lack the courage to strike out on your own. I don't mean that unkindly. Part of that fear is for your DC, it's not me calling you cowardly.

If you're looking for permission to have an affair, you won't get it on MN. You won't get it in RL either beforehand though many people will be understanding afterwards if you get caught out. Affairs are so commonplace people are rarely shocked and morally outraged. Your DW probably wont' be one of those understanding types though.

If you're going to go ahead and do it, be honest with yourself that you're taking what you see as the easy option right now. You can enjoy the feeling of being a desirable, sexual creature, omething that you have every right to feel, but without calling off your marriage and losing the home, children and family lifestyle. If you don't get caught, you might have some fun. If you get caught, the apparent easy option will soon turn into a whole world of pain that would be far, far worse for everyone involved than if you'd just told your wife you wanted a divorce.

Divorce isn't bad. People who behave badly make it so. If you and your wife can divorce amicably, the effect on both of you and your DC can be minimised. If you no longer have that connection, the odds of you having that amicable divorce are actually much higher than if you were constantly fighting or having passionate sex. You'll lose any ability to remain amicable if you're caught with your trousers down though.

Either you want the marriage, or you want sex. Which is it? The choice really is that stark. Although if sex is completely absent from your marriage, you could ask for an open relationship.

You're right, I am a coward and no, I'm not looking for permission for an affair.
You're also right on the feeling of being desired, it's been so long and I am absolutely flattered.

Deep down I don't think anything is going to happen, but I'm in that stage of building scenario's in my mind and I hate myself for it

I travel quite a lot, so if it were just about sex, it would be very easy for me to misbehave, I don't and I haven't.

It's so hard to explain

You keep saying you're not looking for permission and that you don't want to have an affair, that it would be easy to have one but you haven't. But if you're constantly building scenarios in your head and hashing it over on here, you sort of are. If you were really serious about not doing it, there is a very simple solution. You go no contact with the potential OW. She's not someone who occupies a normal part of your life. You admitted she's only just come on the scene from a long time ago. You can cut her off with no effort at all.

What you're reluctant to let go of here is not some woman you've just met. You don't really know her at all, despite your past connection, because people change and she hasn't been a part of your life in that time. You're reluctant to let go of that part of you that feels alive, vibrant, interesting, desirable - wanted in body and soul. A lot of women could provide that feeling. The point is that your DW is not.

So what are you going to do about it?

You say you are lacking in many areas... what do you think your wife would say, if asked what she is unhappy about with regards to you?

Could there be a connection between these areas you're lacking in, and her not wanting to be intimate with you?

I only ask because depending on the root of the problem, you may be able to fix things through counseling and a lot of effort. But if it's just that you've grown apart and you can't go back in time, well, best to end it now, before either one of you gets drawn into something messy.

You are not evil for having this response to an old flame, but if you are a decent person you will not have any contact with her while you sort out exactly what you want to do with respect to your marriage. There will be plenty of time to figure out what to do about her later, if it's meant to be then it can wait.

Probably show a brave face and do my best to keep everyone else happy as I have done for a long time.
I can normally deal with it ( just) but when something like this happens it brings everything to the surface

regards

a coward :(

Don't be a martyr OP. That doesn't actually ever make other people truly happy.

Your marriage is clearly dead OP. You may have been willing to plod along for a few years until the children are grown up but realistically, the chances are you're not going to be with your wife for the next 20 years. Men generally don't leave a dead (but not hideous) marriage until they've got someone else in mind. Is that because they're cowards who can't stand the thought of being alone? Or is it because they generally have more to lose financially and in terms of access to their children? Who knows? Either way, it's really not an unusual situation.

Talk to your wife. Set the wheels in motion to separate but please take a step back from the OW in the meantime. It will hurt your family. It will make you "the baddie" and it's not a great way to start a relationship with someone else (if indeed that's the way it's going to go)

Good luck

You have several options:

1. Have an affair.
2. Don't have an affair but get divorced.
3. Don't have an affair but stay married.
4. Suggest an open relationship.
5. Try to repair your marriage.

Try to work through the logical conclusion of each scenario, including staying. It's the only way to make a decision.

1. Could work out well temporarily. Odds are though you will get caught. Even if you don't get caught, you could find yourself falling in love and wanting a divorce anyway. If you are caught or voluntarily confess, the fall out is likely to be severe.

1. Difficult to broach when things are ticking over seemingly ok with no bad feeling. Will require new accommodation for you and possibly your DW and DC. May involve financial hardship. Will be temporarily painful emotionally. Longer term, the payoff could be huge. You will be free to pursue a more fulfilling relationship with someone else. IF you handle the divorce well, you will all adapt and put it behind you. Potentially, everyone could be a lot happier.

1. Life continues in the same vein as now with you becoming steadily more miserable. Potentially you could face depression. Your DW may even decide she wants to leave you once the DC are older.

1. Your DW could say no. Although it may focus her mind more on the damage caused by her unilateral decision to remove sex from the relationship. If she says yes, you could have great sex with other people but never find that emotional intimacy you are craving. IF you do, you end up right back in the consequences of option 1.

1. Sounds improbable, but possible. This far down the line, I couldn't see it working without decent counselling though. On the plus side, counselling may help you both to split more amicably if it becomes apparent your marriage is beyond saving.

Hi OP, i've just seperated from my ex-DW and in a similar position, the marriage had been sexless for a long time, communication was really bad and hostility was setting in because we talk so infrequently about our needs that inevitably the talks became pressured and dripping with implied blame. We were sleepwalking through married life (though both doing a good job with the kids) and indifferent to one another.

The split is amicable (and Dahlen's point here is very well made its probably because we had both given a lot of thought to it and there is no sexual jealousy or third parties involved), but i don't think it would have been had we not done a few rounds of Relate counselling over the years. It left us both with the common realisation that change was beyond us. and we are still reunited in looking out for the kids' interests. Though by the way if you are a couple like we were that never argued in front of the kids its incredibly difficult for the kids to understand why their world is changing.

i would say tell your wife you have been tempted but that is not a road you want to go down, end the contact with the old friend, suggest counselling but be clear that you are considering splitting, and be patient, never assume you know what is going on with your DW.

Dahlen
I didn't expect to get any answers, just to unload really, but I was wrong.
I think option 5 is the only realistic way to go.
As you so correctly state, it can only have two conclusions.
1, We resolve the issues we both have
2, We decide that neither of us is happy and we conclude that in the long term we will be better apart.

Thank you all, I was feeling like I had no place to go, now I can see what we need to do next.

That's what MN is for.

Sometimes it takes some outside perspective from others to see options where we thought none existed. I rarely start my own threads on MN but I often ask myself how I think it would go and can learn a lot from that - including considering advice I would expect to get from posters who I know would ordinarily disagree with me.

Good luck. It's not an easy process but just starting it will make you feel better. Inertia and powerlessness is often harder to live with than action, however much anticipation of that may be scary.

thank you Burt, wise words!

Good luck Steve, I hope you find happiness. Relationships aren't always destined to last forever, and there is no shame in calling time on one that is no longer working for you.

I wish my DH had had the courage to ask for advice instead of going to a third party for a shoulder to cry on. It took an affair to start us talking, and strangely once we did, we were reminded what it was about each other that we loved. All the years of miserable co-existence melted away and I can safely say that we are now best friends, very close and incredibly happy. But, ironically despite knowing this is the best relationship I could ever hope for, despite being very in love I know in my heart it won't last, because of what he did. I've only just started to admit this to myself, and it kills me.

What would you feel if things turned around at home? They might. The sudden reality of losing each other may change things. Do you want them to change or do you just want out? How do you expect your wife to react when you tell her you think it is over? Do you think she will be devastated or relieved?

Finally, my last bit of advice on the subject - every time you are tempted to call/text/email or even just think about your new infatuation, call/text/email or even just think about your wife. Invest your emotions in her not elsewhere. It is funny how feeling wanted can make you want someone. If you feel isolated from them it is easy to retreat.

Good luck Steve you sound like a very fair man. I wish, like the poster above, that my STBXZh had had the courage and decency to talk to me first before he had an affair. I believe that if he had been honest with me and we both had tried we could have saved our marriage which had a lot going for it - we had two young children, commuting, sick parents etc so had lost the "us".

When he had the affair it was too late - too many emotions and too many people making decisions. Once you start a physical affair I think it is too late as you have already been disrespectful to the one person who should be your rock.

You sound like you are a caring person so good luck.

So just a little update for you.

As had been said, I can't control the way I feel, but I can control my actions, I currently feel like shit and wants to crawl into a ball and cry.
The last couple of weeks have been an emotional roller coaster and have left me emotionally and physically drained.

Today I met the "potential" OW for lunch. She is as moralistic and caring as I am. We agreed that we couldn't live in each other's worlds. We can't be friends and anything else would have been massively self destructive.

I know we've done the right thing, but having to lose her from my life again hurts, watching her walk away was so difficult, I'd lie I'd I said a big part of me didn't want to let her go.

I don't know what the future holds in my home life, but at least I can deal with it with a clear conscience.

Thanks all for the advise.

It seems that the encounter with this woman highlighted what was missing from your own marriage. That's ok, you're not a bad person to be flattered etc, it's only human.

It may just be that your marriage has run its course & you're too different for it to continue.

Don't beat yourself up about it, people grow & change over time and not always in the same direction.

It may be possible to work back to some togetherness through relationship therapy, or you may decide to separate.

My parents stayed together through thick & thin & I wished they would get divorced when I was a teenager, because life would have been a lot easier!

Your children are of an age now whereby they will be able to understand
if it doesn't work out.

"If I'm honest, I don't think I'm emotionally equipped to have an affair.
But the impact on my wife and children of a divorce would be massive."

Beleive me the impact on your wife and children of an affair would also be massive.

Tell your wife how you feel. Ask her what she wants. If it turns out you both want the same thing, great, decision made. If not then time for negotiation. Whatever the outcome you have no right to make a decision unilaterally whilst leaving her in the dark.

I think you're focusing completely in the wrong direction. This infatuation with this woman is not real and never has been. It should serve a purpose in highlighting what bits of your marriage are missing though.

If you are serious that you want to try to fix your marriage then instead of pining for something imaginary, think about what it was this woman represented to you. That is the starting point for working out if you can fix your marriage.

When you're in a marriage for the wrong reasons, this kind of dilemma is always going to be a risk. 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions' ... and here you are, right on schedule, almost having your head turned because you're so starved of affection. This is why it's important to have some courage and be honest with each other. If this is as good as the marriage gets and it's not good enough then, however upsetting divorce may be, it's not going to be half as distressing as the alternatives.