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Relationships

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Original poster

Why do I want to get married?

21 replies

weddingbelle · 01/07/2006 11:34

I have named changed here as dp knows my usual nickname and sometimes looks on mumsnet.

I am 28, dp is 30 and we have been together for nearly 5 years although initial few years off and on. We discussed getting married a year or so ago but decided against it for various reasons:

1 I have been married before and didn't like the idea of getting married for 2nd time

2 Would hate a big day/circus type event which I would fear it would turn into

3 Feel that we would be better off spending or money on other things esp as at the time we were planning to move and start ttc.

Since the end of my preg and dd's birth 2months ago have been feeling more and more that actually I would like to marry dp. Absolutely love him to bits, had a really hard time at the end of preg and dd's birth and feel closer to him than ever. Sort of feel that he has in some way proved himself to me by the support he has given me at such a difficult time. This feeling of wantingto get married is getting stronger all the time yet logically I still have the same problems with it that I've listed above. As a result I'm feeling very confused. Haven't told dp any of this as kind of fell that we decided not to and now I'd be going back on the deal.

Sorry for long post but would be grateful for any advice. TIA

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 01/07/2006 11:38

I've been married before and I still wanted to marry dp. We had a v small low key event which was fantastic and cost around £2k. It would have been cheaper but £500 of that was a Paul Smith suit for dp, which I look upon as an investment, he'll wear it again.

zippitippitoes · 01/07/2006 11:45

I was married for 20 years and said I wouldn't get married again..but for no known reason I would like to some of the time (been with dp for 7 years and when ever I jokingly refer to it he just laughs)

Freckle · 01/07/2006 11:47

Second marriages are very common these days. No reason not to do it, IMO.

You could go for a very low key event - just you and 2 witnesses if necessary. If people feel left out, do a post-wedding party some weeks later. You don't actually have to spend more than it costs for a licence. How much you spend is up to you really.

Cam · 01/07/2006 11:57

Because you're in love

glitterfairy · 01/07/2006 12:01

Because there is lots of evidence that being married increases your happiness. Even though I am divorced I would still re marry because it is something I believe in and because I think it is important to let everyone know where you stand with someone. Somehow saying my partner is sick isnt quite the same as saying my husband is sick dont know why!

Pruni · 01/07/2006 12:10

Message withdrawn

warthog · 01/07/2006 12:11

if you feel you would like to get married to him, then that's what you should do. the problems are not insurmountable. have a small wedding, home catered meal, just a couple of close friends and it'll be very low cost. enjoy!

anorak · 01/07/2006 12:26

My dh and I have both been married before. It felt entirely different this time, because at last I knew how I was supposed to feel.

I knew within a very short time that I wanted to marry him, after years of swearing I would never marry again.

I wanted to know that he thought I was worth the risk of committing to. I wanted him to know I thought he was worth the risk. And I did want the expensive day. Because no one, in all my life, had ever thought me worth spending all that money on. My dh made me feel valuable and valued. Someone well worth spending thousands of pounds on. It's not materialistic, it's about a feeling of worth that should have been imparted into me by my parents, and wasn't. Instead I was given that by my loving and healing dh.

The spending hasn't made me materialistic, I still buy lots of my clothes in Primark, but the difference is that if I wanted to buy them all in Monsoon my dh wouldn't mind, because he treats me like someone who is worth whatever. This is making me cry.

sheepgomeep · 01/07/2006 12:49

my best friend is having a massive wedding with hundreds of guests in july and me and my dd are two of four bridesmaids. she has spent over 20 grand on it which she can ill afford, she's had to have loans and they have put themselves into masses of debt for it. He has ccj's and so on.

I think there is alot of pressure on people to have the perfect wedding and spend loads of money. If you can afford it though and think thats the right thing to do then go for it but I can't see the point of getting into debt for just one day.

I'm getting married in a couple of years but it will probably be in a registry office, really low budget and a honeymoon in scotland only because dp won't fly

tribpot · 01/07/2006 12:51

We had a very low key day, with not a great deal of money spent. Fortunately this was what I wanted anyway as dh was too ill at the time to be put through a big do, he was wheelchair-bound and found it hard enough as it was. If you and your dp are in agreement about the style of wedding you want, and if you're confident that others won't hijack it and turn it into a circus, I say go for it. If hijacking is a risk, go completely low key and don't tell anyone til after the event.

Should add I am a firm believer in people having the type of wedding that they want (and can afford) - a big do wasn't for me, but lots of my friends have gone down that route and thoroughly enjoyed their wedding day, wouldn't have it any other way.

Tommy · 01/07/2006 12:59

I think being married lays out exactly what each of you is committed to and I would think that having a child together makes you realise that you do in fact want that extra commitment.
You don't have to make any fuss about getting married - you could just nip out to the registry office in your lunch break or something - it doesn't have to cost anythihg except the cost of actual ceremony (can't remember how much this is)
Good luck whatever you decide

MadamePlatypus · 01/07/2006 16:33

Reasons to get married:

Excuse for a party if you want one
Alot of legal things (DH's rights as children's father, what would happen to house if one you died, inheritance tax issues) are sorted out in a 20 minute ceremony that would otherwise have to be settled via a solicitor
When people assume that your DP is your DH, you don't have to wonder whether to correct them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2006 17:05

Why not consider getting married abroad?. A lot of peple who marry for a second time do this and getting married abroad is becoming more popular. The ceremony itself is not going to cost a packet and you can have a holiday as well!!.

lucy5 · 01/07/2006 17:17

I had been with dh for about 13 years when I had dd. We had never had any inclination to marry but soon after having dd we just knew we wanted to. I felt very strongly about us all having the same name, pre-dd I was staunch about keeping my own name. Anyway we got married and had a very small affair, family only, no fuss, no flowers etc, just didnt want to after having been together for so long. The following day we had dd baptised and threw a huge party for her in our garden. It was fantastic and lasted into the early hours. We went to France pre wedding/Christening and stocked up on booze. Enough of me, if you feel now is the right time, talk to your dp and see how he feels. If you go ahead, it´s your day and it can be any way that you want.

CarolinaMoose · 01/07/2006 17:19

If you want to get married, you go for it.

If you want it low-key, then do it low-key. Tell people afterwards if you think they will hijack it.

Sheepgomeep's example of a wedding beyond the couple's means is truly scary .

sobernow · 01/07/2006 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryP0p1 · 01/07/2006 17:55

'Since the end of my preg and dd's birth 2months ago have been feeling more and more that actually I would like to marry dp. Absolutely love him to bits, had a really hard time at the end of preg and dd's birth and feel closer to him than ever. Sort of feel that he has in some way proved himself to me by the support he has given me at such a difficult time. This feeling of wantingto get married is getting stronger'

I think that your reason. It doesn't have to be a circus. Do as my parents did, Book the registry office, ask a dozen special people into a restaurant and enjoy your day.

Original poster

weddingbelle · 05/07/2006 11:57

Thanks for all of your posts. I think that i really needed to hear that getting married isn't about making a logical choice. I'm going to broach the subject with dp again and see what happens. I think that the fear of it all becoming a circus is still real for me but I know that it could be avoided.

OP posts:

fattiemumma · 05/07/2006 12:03

for you to have spoken about getting married then yo must have both considere it.

i think you should speak to him. the reasons you have given have changed now that you dd is here.

eidsvold · 05/07/2006 12:10

both dh and I had been married before - my first marriage ended when my dh and my best friend ( who was also married) decided not to continue having an affair but to leave their respective partners and run off together. So somewhat anti marriage.... and did not want the whole big deal ...

we got married -- came to Australia to get married - ahd an afternoon wedding and afternoon tea - small wedding, very personal ceremony. Wedding cost us very little but everyone had a fab time and we loved it.

Dh and and I have been married nearly 5 years and have two gorgeous girls - love being married to him.

joelallie · 05/07/2006 13:21

I don't know what it is but the moment we were married I felt more secure with DH. We'd been living together for 6 years and it had never occurred to me to worry. The day was fantastic and was a setting in stone of our committment, in front of all the people we cared about.

If you love him, and you feel sure that he is the one you want to be with, go for it. If you put it to him the way you wrote it here, he'll be happy that you changed your mind I'm sure.

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