Potentially Toxic Grandparents?

[PeachIcedTea]

My advance apologies for the very long post and bad English. But I will try to keep this short and not drip feed later.

I’m an only child with (I think) toxic? parents. Our relationship is strained (to say the least) as both have always been workaholic (I have stayed at my mum's work overnight, usually only see my dad at the weekend or school holiday and suggestion of having dinner together result in “don’t be so spoil and selfish”) and non-affectionate (no hug/kiss from 7 onward as this would turn me into a whore). Though I have always thought this was normal, things take a turn for the worst after we relocated to the UK for their PhD. (start of secondary school) as I was bullied rather badly for not being able to speak the language and being foreign. My parents were also expecting me to retain my original culture and any attempt to incorporated my current environment is usually met with comparison to other more well-behaved child, threat of disownment or the comment that I “make them want to kill themselves”. They have since assumed everything’s fine, that our relationship is just like any other parent and child while I tried to let bygones be bygones (which is rather hard considering there is no change in their thoughts or behaviours), but stayed in the UK for university (while they went back to their original jobs and the other side of the world), got married (their first visit in 12 years) and now expecting my first child (baby due end of November). So far they haven’t mentioned visiting but rather we make the arrangement to go see them.

DH is the eldest of 3, with a seemingly loving yet distance family and a completely difference interest (think geek-DH vs jock-family). My relationship with them is courteous though as our personalities differ (complete opposite), they do rub me the wrong way. I also find some of their behaviours unsettling (I wouldn’t have married DH at all if he was anything like FIL or BIL to be honest); but the most disconcerting is when PIL did a 180 on the subject of children. Now I suspect this might be because baby will be the first grandchild for both side of the family, but it is still rather hard to forget all the negative comments they have been saying about their friends’ grandchildren or how annoying kids (in general) are. Nonetheless, all was forgotten, kids are fantastic and they can’t wait to be grandparents, uncle and aunt. This is all well and good, except now we are getting lots of 30+ year old advice and suggestions from childless BIL & SIL (who apparently have lots of friends with children). The problem is as DH still hasn't cut his parent's apron string (we live half an hour away and see them way more than I would like) and have no close friends with children, he starting to believe everything they say: mainly that having a baby will need no adjustment (not that I expect chaos but surely it wouldn’t be perfect either), that our commitment to them (spending Xmas etc) should not change and that I worried too much. PIL have also questioned all my purchases, invite themselves to some of our baby shopping sessions, ask us to buy a car seat as baby will obviously want to go on trip with them (we don’t have a car and was planning to either rent or borrow both car and car seat from a very good friend of mine when I go into labour), suggest (demand from my point of view) that they are the first people to meet/see baby etc. The list is endless and when couple with their absurd level of confidence, makes it harder and harder for me to remain polite.

And since both set of parents have now retired, my immediate concern is with PIL (mainly due to proximity). I know I will also have to deal with my parents at some point and is dreading the interaction. I hope I’m not being paranoid and realised that our baby is really very lucky to have both sets of grandparents present but am I unreasonable in worrying about baby-grandparents’ relationship? Are there such things as toxic grandparents?

Thank you for reading this far. Your advice/opinions/suggestions/thoughts are very welcome.

Phew poor you!!!

As you say, your parents are safely removed on the other side of the world and as you will be the ones with the tiny baby, it's completely reasonable that they are the ones to visit you when you have the baby, sounds like they will not do this more often than you can stand. So you will hopefully be able to give your child a loving upbringing free from their odd ideas about love and support. (But I expect they love you very much and feel they are in the right, blissfullly unaware of the harm they do)

As for the FIL, I will defend them in one aspect, they are probably being completely genuine in their U-turn on children. Sounds like they have a close relationship with your DH and probably they will feel entirely different about their beloved grandchild as compared to other peoples toddlers. In their eyes he will be devoid of the faults they see in others. This is normal and natural for lots of people I think. Likewise the childless uncles and aunts will have no conception that they don't know what they are talking about. I have some of the same issues with childless friends - to some people raising a child can seem easy from the outside, its not until its your child that you realise nothing is black and white. I think it's best in such cases to smile and bite your tongue - one day they may have their own children and then they will understand.

I do understand what its like to feel a little suffocated by over helpful in-laws though!! Maybe on the front of getting DH onto modern childcare advice you could ask if he will attend some antenatal classes with you? Maybe join the NCT? It's probably the easiest way of making friends with other people with children the same age, and building a support network. (Having someone to have a little moan about the in laws with makes a world of difference too ;p)

I would try and leave the final decision re Xmas until after you've had the baby. Although they may not be your first choice of in-laws, don't underestimate how useful it can be having people around who can give you a few minutes break, who love your baby (almost) as much as you do. I can't bear leaving DS with strangers, but I know they will worry about him being OK as much as I will so can feel more confident. On the other hand you may both need just to spend some time alone as a family, DH might completely agree with you, and it might be more appropriate for them to pop over briefly with a ration of turkey.

Good luck in any case, and don't let issues with grandparents intrude on your enjoyment of your lovely new baby :)

On the issue of the car seat, maybe as it's them who want one, that can be a present from them to the baby?

Thank you very much for your reply. It’s a relief to know that these concern aren’t all in my head. I suppose PIL change of attitude really isn’t a bad thing just that their suggestions and advice (combine with personalities) do sound more like commands, especially when we don’t even get a chance to share our opinions. And since the situation reminds me of my childhood, I just wish I could draw the line.

DH and I have attended some antenatal classes, but since the midwife hasn’t said otherwise. PIL’s comment of “everything will be fine” still stand. We are also quite shy, so making friends to take slightly longer. Everyone we met was really friendly, however, so hopefully we will get there with time.

Thanks again

I guess you're just that bit too close geographically as well! It's handy having them within shouting distance in case of emergency but 1-2hrs is more comfortable!! Don't suppose that can be helped!