I can't work out if it's right I'm annoyed by this or not

[GreatBallsofFluff]

I've been single-ish for 7 years. I've had a couple of flings but nothing you would call serious. I've now been seeing a man for a couple of months. At the moment I don't consider us to be a 'proper' couple. I'll need time before I can get to that point again (I have said this to him).

Anyway he spends a lot of time at my house because I have dd(8). He'll (of his own accord) do my dishwasher, make me cups of coffee, cook for me etc without asking me first (obviously I'm not going to complain ) and he'll bring over food and drink so he's contributing so not mooching off me.

The issue is that he's just gone upstairs, got my charger, brought it back down, and plugged his phone in. For some reason it has (unreasonably?) got my back up. Yes if he'd said to me "do you mind if I get your charger so I can charge my phone" I would have said no problem whatsoever. It is the fact he didn't ask, but conversely if he surprised me with a cup of coffee in the morning I wouldn't have an issue....

I can't work out why it has bothered me so much though.

I don't think it would bother me but if it were reversed I would always ask first. Why is that I wonder? I obviously think asking is the right thing to do but wouldn't expect to be asked........hmmm

I always ask - even when I'm at my mum's I expect to be asked, apiary from a couple of my friends whom I've known for 10+ years.

I'm finding it hard to get my head around the fact you're happy for him to spend "a lot of time" at your house, around your DD who is very much old enough to be aware, and interacting with her e.g. cooking dinner for the two of you, plus for him to clean up after (presumably) not only himself but you as well, yet you feel that you are "not there yet" when it comes to other more-serious relationship actions like him using your things without asking.

To be blunt, which is it? Because at the moment, and I don't mean to be rude or imply that you've done this on purpose (I think you've both just slipped into it) - you're happy to use him as a temporary cook and maid, but you're not really in a partnership with him. I think him taking the charger is him assuming, because you've been welcoming him to do things like cook and tidy up, that the relationship is more serious than you are seeing it from your side.

I think you need to talk to him and just establish where your boundaries actually are. It's fine for him to cook for you as a "date" and perhaps even some minor clearing up afterwards like putting the used plates in the dishwasher as part of the favour towards you. But perhaps if you're not ready for the relationship to be in the stage of him feeling comfortable enough in your home to treat it as his own, then you need to spell it out, and perhaps even cut back a bit on the time he is spending there and draw a line through things like him cleaning up (if it's not after himself/for a specific reason). It's fine to backpedal a bit or slow down the progression of a relationship, it doesn't mean that you're going to split up. You have a child which means you are right to be cautious (although he sounds lovely, I'm not meaning being cautious about him specifically, just about relationships in general) and the "landscape" of dating and, especially, more long term relationships looks very different when you have a child to when you don't. I'm going to make a massive assumption and say your last long term relationship was with your DD's father, so it's unknown territory. But definitely, time, space, boundaries. Those are all the important factors. Talk to him. If he's decent (and he sounds it!) then he will understand your concerns and be happy to reestablish where the boundaries actually lie.

It's certainly a revelation that someone might be happy to introduce someone to the most precious thing in their life (your daughter) but you get the arse when he uses your charger.

Takes all sorts, s'pose.

Hmmm.....what anyfucker said.

If he had used your mobile, expensive face cream, laptop or had gone into your handbag without prior permission then yes I would understand your annoyance. However, out of all the things in your home to get possessive about, using your mobile charger seems very odd indeed. Totally agree with AF, by inviting this man into your home and into your child's life you have given him the impression that you are more committed than you appear to be. It's time to assess what you want vs what you have right now. If him using your charger has triggered something in your subconscious over your relationship then explore this now before your daughter becomes even more attached.

Hmm, if I ever bother to date again I actually think I would be exactly where the OP is. It's a matter of courtesy, of being aware whose house they're in, and whether you're sleeping with them should not make a difference. I would not go round a friend's house, however close a friend it was, and just swipe their phone charger (or any other household item) without a with your leave or a by your leave. I would, however, socialise with their children.

I still get the rage when DP moves things around, and we're engaged! I got so used to being on my own, and I was never very good at sharing my space (too many years sharing a room with sibling). We had a similar setup in the early days too, lots of at-home dates because I couldn't get a babysitter. It's a matter of finding your boundaries and letting him now where they are. Cooking meals and cleaning up after=good. Using your stuff without asking=not good.

But Annie you probably wouldn't use the coffee machine without asking or clean up for them, either?

I think this is where the boundary has been blurred. I can see why OP wouldn't refuse(!) but I think the reason he's started doing these things in the first place is because he feels more at home there than perhaps OP is seeing the relationship. He's assuming it's more serious than she feels it is. Which is no biggie, you just need to discuss it, and it should become clear. But really it's a bit cheeky to accept cleaning and coffee but not to be happy for him to use stuff for his own convenience.

*know, not now.

YY Homeworld - cleaning up after a "date" meal = good. General cleaning up = crossing the line into "serious long term relationship".

And I am a total hypocrite because DP used to come and do my washing up for me (when it was piled down the kitchen ) before we even got together, but hey. He used to use my charger as well! What can I say, we do things backwards!

I agree, Bertie, but like the OP I probably wouldn't notice the coffee thing at first, because I would have been making coffee for us both anyway and he was saving me the trouble. But when it came to going upstairs to fetch the phone charger it would be one of those " 'ere, wait a minute..." moments.

YY to both about the clearing up. My sister had to have strong words with her then boyfriend about tidying "for her" when it was really about him finding mess irritating. She prefers her own particular brand of chaos because she knows where in the heap her stuff is. She said she wouldn't go to his house and mess things up, so he will kindly not come to her house and tidy! (He is now her ex for other reasons.)

YANBU. I think if it was me and I wanted to use someone elses charger I would ask. As it is the polite thing to do. It wouldn't matter whether the charger was owned by my DM or a random person off the street.

Oh yes, definitely! :) I wasn't meaning that the OP was some scheming person who had planned this on purpose - I can see how easy it would be to fall into it without noticing.