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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What am I doing?!!

21 replies

Miranda56 · 13/10/2013 14:14

Hi,
I realise that what I am about to tell you makes me sound like a very sad person, but I really would appreciate your feedback.
We have been married for 17 years. Last year my husband was ill with stress related depression. . His illness made him question everything in his life and made him unhappy about every aspect, including me. Apparently all of a sudden I took him for granted and didn't give him enough attention.Whilst he was off work, he got very interested in chat rooms and actively looked to chat up women. I eventually caught him out and he confessed that he had a one night stand but at the same time I got another confession that he had met someone else through a chat room and had been seeing her for 5 weeks. I was of course mortified, shocked and sickened by this. I knew it must be his illness and therefore gave him another chance, as he promised me he would stop seeing her....how did I fall for that one!!!! Anyway to cut a very long story short, he saw her again, we argued, I let him stay. This has gone on and the story repeated again and again for a year now. The last time he saw her was in July, when I got a phone at 11:30 at night from the other woman to say he was so horribly drunk that she was taking him back to her house. One major victory for her and one huge kick in th teeth for me!!! A huge argument followed, he realised the error of his ways and promised (once more!) not to see her any more. As far as I know he hasn't seen her, but I know he is still texting her.

What should I do, do I keep making allowances for his illness and try and keep my family together 'for better or worse, in sickness and In health' or do I get rid and ask him to move on as he clearly has no respect for me any more. This might seem clear cut for you but I really do not know what to do anymore.
Pleas whelp me see things clearly. Many thanks

OP posts:

FrancescaBell · 13/10/2013 14:27

I've lost count of the threads I've seen on here about so-called 'depressed men' who are actually just unfaithful men or at a push depressed and unfaithful men.

Not everyone who suffers from stress and depression is multiply unfaithful and I'd guess this is just a massive smokescreen for what is just plain old shitty behaviour.

My advice to you is to say enough and walk away. Stop seeing this in terms of 'victories' in relation to the other women too. You are all just bit parts in the drama of him.

mammadiggingdeep · 13/10/2013 14:29

Sorry, I'm not using this flippantly but really, LTB. You can't live like this!

babyseal · 13/10/2013 14:57

I have suffered from stress and depression and during that time I can confidently say that not was an overriding urge to fuck around behind my partner's back an unpleasant side effect of the illness.

Really, unwell or not, he is just being selfish and an arsehole. Sorry

babyseal · 13/10/2013 15:02

That sounds really harsh, and I wanted to add that you sound like you have bent over backwards to make things right for your relationship and partner, but maybe it is time to now think of yourself, your self esteem and your own mental health, which if you stay in this relationship is going to surely suffer as well.

amberlight · 13/10/2013 15:12

Being routinely unfaithful is not any part of any mental illness whatsoever. I'm afraid he's just being horrible to you. I am so sorry.

KatieScarlett2833 · 13/10/2013 16:01

He does it because he can. Because he knows you will put up with it. There are zero consequences for his treatment of you.
That's all. Nothing to do with depression, just another entitled twat.
Have you read Chump Lady?

Upnotdown · 13/10/2013 16:17

Get rid. I don't usually say that but seriously, he is taking the piss.

Has he said why he keeps on texting her behind your back? Or has he told you that he wants to keep texting her and you're just accepting it because he's depressed? (ie it's not behind your back at all).

Original poster

Miranda56 · 13/10/2013 17:24

Thank you all for your feedback. It wasn't necessarily what I wanted to hear but probably what I needed to hear. Deep down I know I am being taken for a fool, but I love him and am very sad to be loosing the last 17 years over his stupidity and selfishness. I am petrified of what will happen next. I hope I can be strong and get through it. I think the last year has had an effect on me mentally and at times have been close to falling apart. Wish me luck people. Than you again for your advice.

OP posts:

FrancescaBell · 13/10/2013 17:34

The best advice on here always says the failsafe way to mend the woman (and the relationship if that's what she wants) is to end the relationship and give the appearance of moving on with life on your own.

I've seen that advice followed in real-life many times too and it always works. I have to say usually it means the wayward bloke is desperate to come back once he sees his ex being fabulous, independent and yes, interested in new friendships and relationships, but (fortunately) I've seen more women who by that time are so fabulous and so much happier, they've got no desire to have such a drain back in their lives.

So if you want to keep this man, he's got to lose you first. It's the only way.

AnyFucker · 13/10/2013 17:46

I'm sorry, I don't know what you are doing either.

I hope you stop very soon though.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 13/10/2013 17:49

I had depression. Didn't cause me to loose all my morals and cheat on my partner though

If you keep letting him 'get away with it' he will keep doing it.

ImperialBlether · 13/10/2013 18:06

So his depression is causing you to be depressed? Stop the cycle and tell him to go.

I think your depression will magically lift if you don't have to worry about this all the time.

babyseal · 13/10/2013 19:33

Of course you feel sad and scared, but you need to stand up for yourself now and if you have them, your dcs. Wishing you strength and courage rather than luck, and there are lots if wise posters on here to hold your hand

Xales · 13/10/2013 20:32

How many times has he gone back to this other woman despite seeing your hurt and upset?

Simply put your hurt and upset is not as important to him and screwing this woman.

Every time you find out, he promises not to do it again, you forgive, and a few weeks later when he thinks you have magically forgotten he does it again.

He will carry on doing it until he has some real consequences.

Only you can decide when you have had enough.

In the meantime please consider a trip to an STI clinic as he is clearly sleeping with other women.

CharityFunDay · 13/10/2013 21:38

Depression doesn't turn you into a cheat.

LTB

Original poster

Miranda56 · 15/10/2013 13:45

Thank you babyseal.

OP posts:

Original poster

Miranda56 · 15/10/2013 13:47

Thank you to all of that have offered advice. Will update once the $##t has hit the fan! Xx

OP posts:

LookingThroughTheFog · 15/10/2013 14:08

Like the others said, I've had depression on and off for 15 years, and constantly for the last 5. I've never once cheated.

I don't know whether it helps, but with mental illnesses of all sorts, I'm put in mind of the 3 Cs from Al-anon. You didn't cause this, you can't control this, and you can't cure this. All of the input to the depression needs to come from him. You can't fix him. If he's not prepared to do any of the work necessary, then there's nothing further you can do.

What he's doing, instead of trying to work things out, is to put himself in a whole heap of situations where he'll exacerbate the problem. He'll have the highs of the hormonal rush of both lust, and excitement. That'll be followed by a panicked low of guilt. Then he'll row with you and feel hurt and angry. And he's somehow expecting to magically get better while doing all of these things?

He won't stop as long as you forgive him and believe him. The only way to make it stop is to deal out some real consequences.

Good luck with the chat.

FolkGirl · 15/10/2013 14:56

Yeah, my ex was 'depressed' when he cheated too. This then led to a full breakdown over which I was supposed to be far more understanding and sympathetic than I was (despite being incredibly understanding and sympathetic!)

It's funny you know, I've also suffered depression on and off since I was about 18. It's never once caused me to cheat...

It's just a convenient excuse used by people (not just men) who cheat and is a way of a) not taking responsibility for their own actions/choices and b) deflecting the blame onto their partner.

Original poster

Miranda56 · 15/10/2013 15:04

Looking throughthefog - think you've hit the nail on the head! Everything you say sounds so true. Thank you. Xx

OP posts:

Jan45 · 15/10/2013 15:44

Depression is usually accompanied by lack of motivation and tiredness, he seems to have bundles of energy doesn't he.

Sorry but he's making a complete fool out of you and has been for years, why would he stop when he's had the green light on each occasion.

This is more about you and your self esteem I would say, do you really love him or perhaps just the ideal in your head of what and him are because from reading your post, there's no relationship there, it's just abuse and disrespect.

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