Dealing with results of abusive childhood as an adult

[bumsaway]

My parents were/ are v. emotionally abusive and sometimes physically abusive too. The circumstances of my childhood have made me the way I am today and even though I know that I need to start taking responsibility for my own actions, I can't escape the bitterness that I have to do so.

I feel like I've got hurdles to jump before even getting to the starting point of where people who had normal childhoods begin their lives. I am angry that as an adult, you're meant to be responsible for your own actions (I haven't done anything bad, I know it looks like I'm looking for someone to blame!) but my own actions are dictated by the way I was treated. Like I'm not a full person capable of doing things but it's not my fault because I was never brought up that way but now it's me that has to do the donkey work when I'm nearly 25 rather than it happening in my childhood.

I don't think this makes any sense. Does anyone know what I mean?

Yes. And you've clearly identified the problem which is an important first step. It seems like you're ready to deal with it. Counselling is the next step.

Are you still in contact with your parents?

I've been there and I recognise your sense of the unfairness of it all.

Unfortunately you are right, this is how it is.

Very slowly, with time, you will learn things that others with more nuturing backgrounds already know. It will take time and if you are like me you will always feel that you are lagging behind.

Things will get better, little by little.

Be compassionate towards yourself. Nurture yourself. Don't be hard on yourself for getting things wrong as you try to negotiate the world. Be willing to learn from your mistakes and congratulate yourself on your successes.

I understand. I had some horrific experiences in childhood, I'm 26 now. It feels like learning anew all of the time, but I am hopeful that it can be done. Do you have any counselling? That might be a good place to start. One thing that always dictated my life was insecurity and the need for approval, so much so that I would manipulate situations to my advantage with no care of who I was hurting. Yes, its you who has to do work now, but you have done the hard part. You have survived.

Yes Katkins1. I'm 45 and it still feels like there is lots of learning anew (although I have learnt some things - hooray! - and life's much easier than in my twenties).

I can recommend a book called Reinventing your Life by Jeffery Young. I had a severely abusive childhood and had 4.5 years of therapy at age 37 after a breakdown after having my daughter and the psychologist recommended this book (as counselling etc was not deep enough to deal with the trauma). If you have been affected in such a way that it has had an impact on your mental health then CBT won't be enough either. I had schema therapy/CAT which changed my life.

I know what you mean but what you should also bear in mind is that people who have had what are, on paper, 'perfect' childhoods can also find adulthood very challenging and that they are making bad choices or mistakes. Do seek counselling to help you untangle how you feel. Good luck

Very true Cogito.

Thank God you know what I'm talking about! It's made me cry!

I don't know why but counselling doesn't seem to be something that I could go through with. I just automatically think 'no' but I'm not sure why. Would you go through your GP?

I am still in contact with them. I have a younger brother who still lives with them and I'd feel like I was abandoning him to deal with them on his own if I didn't. I do think it'd be a lot easier to not be in contact.

Will look at that book charlottesmum. Thanks

I know it's a challenge for all adults cogito; I know no-ones had a perfect life. It's just I feel at so much more disadvantaged. I know that's self-pitying but it's how I feel.

If you've been through this, does the bitterness and anger go or is it still there a bit underneath? I can't imagine a time where I'd ever forgive them.

I think it's in your interests to consciously try to let go of as much of the bitterness and anger as possible or at least decide it's not going to dictate the rest of your life. I know three siblings literally ruined by their obsession with a shared abusive childhood (addictions, self-destructive behaviour) and a fourth sibling that managed to survive by cutting all contact, forging their own life and setting their own standards... they are more regretful than resentful of the past but the distance has helped.

I think the anger dissipates with time as you realise your parent/s were/are deeply troubled people who themselves suffered difficult upbringings.

Thanks guys

You don't need to forgive them and you might never be able to. The aim would be to work through what happened so it doesn't have a hold over you anymore.

I agree with CailinDana, you will reach a point when forgiveness isn't necessary, and everything becomes a process. You could go to your GP, or to private counselling. GPs lists are quite long.

I heartily recommend counseling. (My GP wasn't very helpful - I found my own therapist. I did about a year of bi-weekly sessions and still go in once in a rare while for 'top ups'.) Honestly, if I had known how much better I could feel I'd have done it years ago. (Of course, YMMV!)

Someone once told me something to the effect of: "Anyone who demands people who are already hard-pressed just to get through the day are also perfect saints is perpetrating a kind of abuse". I heartily agree - sometimes the person making those demands on me is me. So go easy on yourself while you sort this out, and know that some days are going to be days when the voice in your head is unkind, and you fail, and you're angry and bitter, and that's OK. Some days are like that. The nice thing is when you start having fewer of those days, and more of the good days.

(Oh, and can I extend an invitation to the Stately Homes thread? The people over there have similar struggles and, IME, they're Good People.)

I'm 39 and I know exactly how you feel.

I'm only just starting to come to terms and deal with it all properly - my dad died last year and I cut contact with my mother. I always said that I wouldn't be able to begin to deal with it until they were dead and now, I am beginning to.

I feel so angry and sad that so much of my life has passed and that they damaged so much of it and me, and that I need to undo the damage they did before I can even begin to be the person/have the life I know I'm capable of.

What I have come to realise over the past couple of years though, is that even people whose upbringings look charmed/perfect/easy/ideal often have their own issues and demons to deal with. No one's life is without it's challenges. It's just hard when you know that your parents deliberately and willfully inflicted pain and anguish on you.