Is this it?

[Teeshonator]

Hi everyone, I am new here, so please bear with me while I try to explain my story.
My husband and I are coming up on our 3rd anniversary. We have known eahcother for many years, online, and I moved from Canada to UK to be with him. We didn't have a very good start, within 6 months I had miscarried, lost my job, and caught him on dating/sex sites. He swore he didn't actually go on the sites, but timestamps don't lie. The miscarriage I never really dealt with until about a year later. And the unemployment was temporary, once I got my head around everything I was back in work about 2 months later.
We had our up's and down's, as does everyone, and I was adjusting to a new country. At about the 1 year mark I had to return to Canada to care for my grandfather, which I thought was really going to be the end for my relationship. I was put in a position where my husband was making me choose between him and family. I went anyway.
Since I've been back, I have been in steady employment, in a respectable position. We were finally getting settled, buying new furniture (out with the secondhand!) I started putting away for a little downpayment on the future white-picket fenced house. All seemed perfect til the ARGUMENTS started.
At first it was silly things, about working different schedules, the washing up, etc. Then it got a bit more personal, starting with him telling me to loose weight. I acknowledged I had put on about 20lbs since I met him. So I set to it, lost the weight in a couple months. Our sex life has always been sort of pathetic, but it's come to standstil the past year.
I've been becoming more and more depressed about the arguments and just the general feeling in the home. He brings up how I was unemployed (those 2 months, 2 years ago) like I've been sponging off him. He's self-employed, bringing in £300/month, where I bring in £1500/month, plus all the cleaning/cooking/shopping/etc.

I came to a point where I told him I didn't feel the same towards him, I explained everything. He absolutely lost his mind, throwing things, breaking dishes, literally yelling and insulting me for over an hour. I was just speechless. I purchased my one-way ticket home that day.

Now I wake up, several times a night, crying but not really knowing what about. I'm fighting this guilt like I am going to ruin his life, but I know he'll get over it. He's never actually said anything about him and I... just material things (I am selling everything I purchased)

I know full well that it is better to be on your own, then with someone else and lonely. I just can't deal with it. I needed somewhere to rant, and I do apologize for the long post. I just feel disappointed with life.

Are you still with him?

Do go home. Or at the very least leave him.

Get away while you can. Definitely before you have any children.

It can only end up badly with him. :(

Sounds like he had real problems with you bringing in more money IMO. That's his issue not yours though.

It's normal to feel sad and disappointed.. grieving for a relationship is normal. It's horrible feeling lonely in a relation wishing they would just fight for you a little bit. :( be kind to yourself.

He sounds horrible. Seriously, what is keeping you there?

I'm sorry you're being treated this way. Domestic abuse is horrendous and intolerable. You shouldn't feel guilty at the prospect of ruining his life by leaving when it's clear he's doing his level best to ruin yours. You're depressed, upset and your confidence is shot. When people start behaving like this - verbally, physically and emotionally abusive - you have no choice but to reject them and get out of their environment. Lonely won't kill you. The effects of living in an abusive relationship just might.

Womens Aid 0808 2000 247

Are you back in Canada now or still with him?

You need to end the relationship. This sort of person is incapable of having a healthy relationship with anyone. It could never work.

It is only natural that you will feel sad and panicky for a while. You will need to mourn the future you thought you had and get used to being on your own.

I'm presuming you're back in Canada and you're grieving for a relationship that never was. What worked online didn't work in RL. But its over now, and you've had the good sense to escape. Have you started divorce proceedings?

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the replies. I am still in UK until the 21st, so I have spent this past week very isolated in the bedroom. He comes in occasionally to grab some clothes or to have a shouting match. He's very back and forth, one second blaming me for ruining his life and the next asking if I want to go for a walk because it's the last time we'll see eachother.
I've been very proactive in getting ready for the move. As I said, selling everything I've purchased, getting packed, etc. I've never really doubted he loves me... but he loves money more. But since spent that 2 hours calling me a fat lazy b*h, and that I use everyone around me... I just can't even deal. I tried opening up to my grandmother on the phone, but she doesn't seem to think I should leave UK, that I should get a place on my own. It just seems like I can't win.

I'm glad this guilt and disappointment is normal. I never thought I would be getting divorced. It feels like I am some sort of ruined woman now. And I don't even know where to START with divorce proceedings. I don't want anything from him, I'm afraid he thinks I am after his business or something. And I don't have anything to give him, all my savings have been dried up between immigration expenses and the general move abroad.

You're obviously a sorted person who's made a sharp exit from an abusive arse.

It's completely absurd to think you're 'ruined' - you just made a mistake with your first marriage.

Forget what your ex said, he sounds nuts, forget what your grandmother said, decide where you want to be, & go for it.

He thinks you want half of the business that brings in £300 per month? I don't blame you; I'd want half! Think what you could do with all that money!

I think your time together is over, isn't it? Do you feel safe where you are?

Where would you like to live? Do you want to stay in the same job or do you fancy a move?

I came to the UK to live with him. Now that didn't work out, ya it's a good experience I'm still young, etc etc (I get all the things that my grandmother is trying to communicate) BUT if he was the reason I'm here... and he's no longer part of what I want in life. Then there isn't anything to keep me here. I love my job, but they come and go.
Ideally, I want to go back to University - another thing he was completely unsupportive of.
Some people get what I am saying, others are trying to set me up with guys (which is absurd), and others think I am a quitter. I know no one decision will make everyone happy, but it's really tearing me apart.

Forget everyone else's opinion and listen to your heart. What do you want to do given that your marriage is over.
Where do you want to live? Do you want to go back to university here or in canada because you could easily start over again in either place without your H.
Take a bit of time deciding--i would not be jumping on a plane back just yet if you are not totally set on returning home.
Weigh up what you have at home and what you have here (not including H) work out where you would be happier in the long run--Then decide

Good, you are still young - don't waste any more of your life in this utterly crap situation.

Follow your instincts, this is your life, you must do what YOU want to do. I know it's hard, but stop worrying about what other people think - they are not married to him.

You say you have no reason to be here anymore and your ticket is booked - so what are you waiting for girl ?!?!

I wish you the best of luck (although I don't really think you'll need it!) xx

This decision is not to make other people happy. Enough people-pleasing nonsense! It doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks.

Whether you want to stay in the UK or go back to Canada depends entirely on where you feel most happy.

If you love your job, then get divorced & stay here well away from your arse of an ex

May be stay here for a bit: you have a job. Perhaps it might make the divorce easier also. If you go back to canada you might feel a bit depressed. Sorry this had happened. You are being strong and will be the better for it.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all the feedback and thoughts. I've just had nobody to speak to without getting a load of guilt in return.

Does he know when you are going? Be careful.

It may be best if you leave before you travel, preferably without him realising. Given his outburst breaking dishes, etc, I worry he may be directly violent with you when you do want to leave.

He's now trying everything else.

Take care.

I did tell him when my flight is, in retrospect I probably shouldn't of, if only to avoid an awkward goodbye. As far as getting physical, he's pushed me once about a year ago when we had too much to drink and I was trying to leave the flat. Other then that, I don't think he has the balls.
I really don't understand him tho, he seems to not want anything to do with me, but then this morning he had gotten the sofa I am selling all ready (took the feet and cushions off, moved close to the door, etc)
And he keeps trying to claim some things I am getting rid of belong to him, so then I have to go find receipts, thank goodness for amazon keeping records.
I am totally stressed, I am beyond arguing with him. But in my few quiet moments I just get depressed. It's gonna be a loooong week!

Yes, a long week but after that you have your whole, exciting, promise-filled life ahead of you.

Don't look back, look forward.

A similar thing happened to me last time I lived I'm Australia, I now thank god I left and returned home to the uk and feel very sorry for his now wife, I shudder when I think of how hurt my 14 year old self was but am proud she got her arse in that plane and started again.

24 I was not 14 lol

'Ideally, I want to go back to University - another thing he was completely unsupportive of. "

Anyone who doesn't support you is TOXIC to you.

Go back to uni. Get this childish, self absorbed immature man out of your life. Learn your lessons about what hooked you in, what you fell for, what red flags you ignored, what you do that is unhealthy (mine were: treating someone as a priority who treats me like an option, living my life through another, all that co dependent sh*t) and make sure your next relationship contains reciprocity!

You are all SO SO amazing. Your words have helped, truly.