He lied, was controlling, scary & we're divorced! - why the hell do i miss him?!

[theendishere]

Some of you might remember my posts from a couple of years and more ago. We've been divorced for 9 months and living in our separate homes for nearly 5 months. We have a sort of "polite, business like" relationship now.
Despite all the bad times, he's the only person I feel a "connection" with and sometimes I miss hm so much. I don't miss the lies, the uncertainity, (or the cross dressing!) but there always was, and still is "something" about him. He popped round last week to collect something, and I ended up crying after he went as I didn't want him to go. My mum died recently and I'm wondering if it's because of this, ie I just feel more alone

Well I expect you do miss the good times. He wouldn't have been an unmitigated arse or you would never have been with him in the first place. You'd have had plans for a joint future, and you'd have spent a lot of time trying to look on the bright side when things were a bit shitty, telling yourself to count your blessings and be grateful for the good stuff, right? It's a hard habit to break.

I tend to liken it to having a bad tooth pulled. You know it has to go because it is causing pain and would eventually make you ill. However, it's an uncomfortable wrench, and afterwards you keep remembering there used to be a tooth there and your tongue keeps wandering to the gap and thinking it just feels wrong. It does leave a gap; but if it were possible to go back in time and re-implant that tooth you'd soon remember why you had it out in the first place!

Fantastic analogy Annie, thank you :)

Well, you wouldn't have been with him in the first place if there hadn't been a connection. If he'd been a complete arse 100% of the time, there wouldn't have been a relationship. And you're starting out on a new life, with its associated uncertainties and worries, which is never comfortable. He represents a life which, while it had issues, was familiar and in its way, comfortable.

And yes, I imagine you're also feeling a need to reach out to someone for comfort since your mother passed away.

Do you have friends you can meet up with? Hobbies, belong to any groups etc? I think you might feel better with a bit more adult company.

You'll feel better about your new life soon enough, and be wondering why you ever felt this way about him.

I try to go out with friends on my child free weekends, but they're not always free - most are married and have family things going on at the weekend. It's hard to belong to any "groups" because my son is with me most of the time, but I do try to get out as much as poss!