Mad (cross)/bad or just working it through?

[joruth]

Hi it's been a while since I last posted.
2 years ago I made my abusive (to me and the DC) husband leave. He's done his best to get back in, hasn't changed at all and has blocked sorting out the divorce and money etc. his behaviour to the children post separation was so bad that he ended up with indirect contact then interim court order for supervised. We are awaiting full court hearing over contact.

Throughout the last 2 years my youngest DD (5 when he left, 7 now) has rebelled and seemed to hate me. Her older brothers and sisters remember and understand and are thriving...really really different and so much happier and achieving well. Even they are frustrated and exasperated with the youngest.

She is so angry. If anything goes wrong it is always someone else's fault. She screams, hits, cries and bears a grudge for weeks. She says she "hates" people especially me, never accepts an apology and very rarely gives one. She over punishes herself (so if I send her to the stairs for 3 minutes she will keep herself there for half an hour). She does not care about consequences, does not respond to praise or incentives (bribes). However, at school she is delightful, achieves well and has a good circle of friends.

I am not inexperienced as a parent, have been consistent with boundaries, punishment and reward with all of the DC who are close to one another in age. I am at my wits end....she takes so much time from the others. She manipulates her siblings into giving in to her for an easier life, but doesn;t keep to her "bargains".

Her constant cry is I hate you I'm moving in with daddy. Daddy loves me.

I really fear for her. If her Dad becomes more involved her behaviour will almost inevitably get worse (well, this is what has happened in the past).

Any ideas/help gratefully accepted. We have had family therapy...but mostly this went above her head and we are not eligible for any more (we've had our 4 sessions )

PS sorry for the essay...and I'm sure I've left vital bits out.....like the pot contact visit bed wetting

I think most of what you're describing sounds like attention-seeking behaviour. With three kids and just one parent it's pretty normal for someone to feel they're getting the shitty end of the stick. It's significant that she's well-behaved at school because it rules out both 'mad' and 'bad' I would say. So she's choosing to be this way at home and you can look on the bright side and say that she kicks off with you because she feels secure enough in your love to do so. Or you can say she gets what she wants with her behaviour - you give her more time & attention than the others - and the Daddy reference is just playing on any residual guilt she senses in you.

Any of that ring true or am I way off?

Go to your GP and demand a referral to CAHMS for her, you both need help to come to terms with what she has been through and what she is feeling.

I wonder what he's saying to her, tbh. It sounds as though he's doing a pretty good job of making her feel extremely anxious and guilty.

Yes, I think a deal of it is attention seeking..... and there are lots of us in the house to get attention from. Liking the positive spin cogito

I think I get caught in the drama because I genuinely think that alongside the attention seeking behaviour there is a deal of pain and hurt.

CAMHS gave us the family therapy.....they don't want to know now because we are in the court process. They won't get involved whilst things are up in the air ...only when they have stabilised .

I know there isn't a magic wand...but after 2 years i suppose i was hoping for better...and with all the painful behaviour from Ex alongside the usual troubles you see on the relationships board it feels like life is getting worse not better.

Perhaps it's me that needs the therapy?

IB that is for certain...he sees her as a good way into the family...and she is young enough to believe whatever he says....

Could you afford some private help?

If you you don't mind do you think co-sleeping with her would help - she may really benefit from the security of you being there.

I think she probably needs lots and lots of unconditionaly love - your bastard STBX

I did co sleep for about a year after we separated....she chose to go back to sleep with her sisters (think I was less fun!!). I could do that again ...although as I am a sobbing wreck (on the inside) pending the court case this is the only place where i currently let the real feelings out.......(have a good mask most of the time)

I should maybe mention that stbx is accusing me of child abuse, assault etc.

has paid nothing for the last 7 months (just started in time for the court)...won't sell the house which I can;t afford to run

and is basically the same abusive arse he always was

with lots of minions who believe him of course none of them actually know me

whoops...wasn't supposed to be ranting

PS no money but maybe if we ever actually get divorced I could scrape some together for private.

Stop paying the mortgage if you're going to have to sell it anyway?

I hold up the hope that one day we will be free...in the meantime I saw the best keep going phrase on here the other day

KBO (ref Winston Churchill)