How to leave when you are still in love?

[WakeyCakey]

I'm thinking about leaving my DP.
Long story short he has a DD from his previous marriage, we aren't married and don't have any children together. After TTC for a year (after 2MCs) DP has decided that he doesn't want any more children and has refused to continue TTC.

I absolutely love the man, he means the world to me...but I want children and I'm not prepared to give up on that want.

Both of our names are on the mortgage as joint tenants, I wouldn't be able to afford the house alone so would have to move out into rented accommodation.

I just worry that I love him so I may never pluck up the courage to actually leave so I'm trying to make a plan of how to do it.
I'd be grateful of any help you can give me

What an awful situation. Does he know the no kids thing will be a deal breaker for you?

I told him at the time but I don't think he believes I will actually go.
We are generally happy but I think about it every day and I don't think that's fair in either of us

Sometimes in a relationship there is something that is so important you have to lay it on the line that it either happens or the relationship can't continue. Might mean sacrifices either way but it has to be articulated and people allowed to make the choice. I think you have to tell him how seriously you feel about it. Good luck

I've known people stay in this position and hope that their DP changed their mind, and it worked

I've known people leave in this position, meet a new DP and live happily ever after with children.

I've also known someone who pretended to live with their DPs unwillingness to have children and then have a contraceptive 'accident' and even that turned out well, surprisingly.

I haven't seen a negative outcome although those should statistically arise. It is theoretically possible that you could leave, and not meet anyone new. Or you could meet someone new and then not have children in any event.

So what it says to me is that if you are determined to have children you probably will. If you are happy with DP I probably wouldn't trade him in. It'll probably work out.

I think I'm being awful either way.
If I stay I am living a lie and as unfortunately a 'contraceptive accident' is very unlikely to occur, not because I think it's cruel or wrong but because I'd be too worried to tell him I'm pregnant in case I lose another baby. I can't pretend any longer that I'm ok with the situation of no kids.

If I go I think I'm being awful because why should he lose things like money out of the house etc just because he's made a decision that he's completely entitled to make.....

I also think I would of gone by now if I had plenty of money

Takes two to make a relationship work. If there is a difference of opinion on a subject this important and where there is no compromise position that enables everyone to get what they want then, however reluctantly, you have to accept that you are incompatible. Doesn't make either of you 'awful', just incompatible.

He is entitled to make that decision, of course he is. But there will be consequences. That's not you being horrible, that's just life.

Very hard to start the conversation of ....
Darling I think we need to talk about how we split the house.....oh and I'll be taking the cat and the car!!!

he's made a decision that he's completely entitled to make.....
And you are making a decision that you are completely entitled to make too.

None of you has to be the bad guy, this is an important personal decision which you both have to make and you cannot compromise about it. It is okay to have an amicable split even though you otherwise love him.

TTC is a stressful thing when it isn't working, sorry about your MCs. Do you know if there is a medical reason or if you've just been unlucky? Has he changed his mind about wanting children or is he just finding TTC and the disappointment too hard? (My thought was that if there is a medical reason for your difficulties and you haven't had it investigated yet, then there could be treatment which makes you more likely to concieve).

Anyway, if he has told you that he's definately not wanting to continue TTC. The conversation will probably start something along the lines of 'I understand and respect your decision not to TTC. I still would like the opportunity to try and have children of my own. I realise that means we will need to seperate and here is what I intend to do...'

I think you need to find out what the practicalities of seperating are and arrange where you will stay etc first. But you'll have to appreciate that he'll need to come to terms with the break up so may not be able to cooly consider all the practical stuff that you've had time to think about.

Be wary of him agreeing to TTC either straight away or sometime in the future to keep you in the relationship if it is genuinely not something he wants for the future. It will just delay the envitable and build resentment while you wait/or if you become pregnant and he doesn't want that.

Well I have endo which doesn't help and cysts in strange places but they can't pinpoint anything exactly. I've had 3 MCs in total over the last 6 years but because it's over a long time it's harder for them to investigate especially because the first was with a different partner.

I haven't lost all hope of being able to conceive and carry successfully I feel I just need the time and ability to try again and he isn't supportive of that. I know he isn't going to change his mind so if he told me he's willing I know it's a lie to try and keep me.

I just can't decide whether to try and save some money first or just take the plunge and get on with it.