Please help me- starting to get annoyed with myself

[ForFS]

I've namechanged for the first time ever for this.

I love my h. We've been together for about 10 years and married for 4. We now have 2 children- DS 2.8 and dd 15 weeks.

Our relationship is pretty shit right now.

Before our dc we had the relationship that everyone envied. Right now I' m crying myself to sleep after another argument.

He works hard. I'm on mat leave which apparently means I'm taking on all the house/ children chores.

I get so frustrated when I finally get downstairs after the bedtimes to find him relaxing on sofa or googling crap on his phone. Then I need to do bottles, tidy up etc.

If I'm ever annoyed about anything god forbid I should mention it or think about it- I alway end up apologising or in days of him being sulky.

This is driving me mad.
How can I fix it?!?!

Who cooks supper?

Can you not just shout at the lazy git.. 'HELP TIDY UP AND GET OFF THE LAPTOP OR THIS MARRIAGE IS DEAD IN THE WATER YOU LAZY FUCK' ?

...then if he goes into days of being sulky which is a very big Red Flag then you can legitimately ask him to leave the home and divorce him on grounds of endless unreasonable sulking behaviour.

Don't put up with lazy fuckwitedness and days on end of stonewalling.

Does he treat his friends the same way?

Thought not.

Trouble is that it's very easy when you've got two incomes, no kids and no real stresses to think that you have an equal relationship. Introduce a bit of stress like children or a drop in income and this is when you find out how selfish someone really is.

Pick your moment to sit him down and tell him he needs to pull his weight around the home because the current set-up is unfair and disrespectful. Don't get into an argument and don't back down. Just set it out what you want him to do. If you can arrange to spend a long weekend with family - just you and the baby, perhaps - that might give you a break. Let him look after the other DC and the home for a while.

Ah yes... We had this for a while after dd was born and I was on Mat Leave... Basically exactly what Cogito said...

We now have a "no one relaxes until all the chores are done" rule (which sometimes turns into "fuck the chores" but at least it's together). DH is brilliant now, he does at least his fair share. He never sees things himself but he'll come and ask me what needs doing which I can live with.

You definitely need to get this dealt with otherwise it eats away at you. You have another child to deal with at the moment, not a partner. The clue is in the word "partner"....

Thank you for your replies.

He is great with the kids. I think its as you said about him not seeing things and then I get frustrated and do it while seething inwardly and hoping he'll read my mind and do things. I need to just tell him to I suppose but I don't understand why,when I can see things, he can't.

I think we've been taking each other for granted recently and the tiredness magnifies everything.

Also we never really disagreed before. It's been a bit of a shock to the system and I suppose we're attempting to work out our 'arguing' pattern as most people do in the early days of the relationship. This often means that I'll just go quiet and try to get over an annoyance instead of voicing it and I think he does the same. It's pretty obvious to me that this really needs to change.

"I can see things, he can't."

He sees things but he knows, if he does nothing, they get done for him.. It's laziness, that's all. Requires a grown-up approach and I recommend the one I take with my DS (now 13) which is... broadly... there are only two of us living here, we both have jobs (OK school in his case), things need doing around the house, and if we work like a team and use some initiative rather than expecting stuff to magically get done, everyone stays friends. :)

Cogito your posts are really exceptional. Where's the 'like' button...:)

Thanks. I'm just about to shout upstairs for him to please strip off his bed and get the washing machine going so we're still working on the 'initiative' bit. :)

OP... that's another idea for your conversation. Sometimes feeling that you're taken for granted is because common courtesies like please and thank you have got dropped. Showing appreciation IMHO is as important as doing the tasks.

Gosh I could have wrote that post. I have been with my hubby 8yrs and we have both always worked. But since I became a sahm. Things seemed to have changed. He works hard providing for us and I try and make his life easier so he can concentrate on work. He is self employed. But a combination of a heavy cold, pre-menstrual this week. Just made me the meanest wife. We have been trying to work out where we can make changes to help. But this week. When I see him sitting down on Facebook when there is a million things to do. I saw red. We r sitting down tonight to plan out a rota for all of us in the house. We have a teenager as well as toddler. I am fed up with doing it all. They are old enough to pick up after themselves. So be brave. Get it all out in and find a way to make changes. It's bloody hard. Good luck.