How/when to end my marriage

[LifeInBlue]

I've nc for this. Feeling pretty desperate.

I've been married for 3 years. I have 1 dc with my husband. If we didn't have a child I would end the marriage tonight with no qualms.

Things are ok sometimes. But I have gradually realised that I don't really like him anymore and I'm not sure that I ever really loved him - just got caught up and thought I was "in love."

I think he's emotionally abusive. He has mild depression and can go from friendly to angry in a moment. He makes constant digs and can say very hurtful things.

I have never enjoyed time alone with him (eg holidays, meals out etc). There is always tension. He is quick to apologise but the same behaviour repeats again and again.

I just think it's CRAZY to stay married to someone I don't even really like?!? We can be kind to each other and I try my best, but I'm aware my heart isn't in it. I feel SO raw when I see happy couples. In love. Kind to one another. Supportive.

But here's the deal.

a) I don't want my child to be an only child. It seems inevitable that we will eventually split, but I want a second child both for me and for the dc I already have. But conceiving a baby knowing I don't love the father is so.... Weird?!
b) I don't want to spend a single night away from my child. Yes, grandparents, school trips etc fine - but I don't want my child to have a second home away from me. My husband is a good father in some ways, but I do 95% of the childcare/planning for schools/etc. I actually worry about my child being with him away from me. I know he'd take our child to his parents house for weekends and that also scares me as he's a crap driver. (4 hours on motorways)
c) I am a sahm. We just about survive on my husbands salary. But if we split up there's no way we could afford 2 homes where we live. Or 2 sets of bills anywhere! I just don't really know how divorce works...
d) we live in a big city because of his job. I would want to move out. He would go to court to prevent me moving away (an hour or so). He has told me this (we have discussed splitting up in the past, but hypothetically, he says he never wants us to divorce).

I am so lost.

I haven't told a soul in RL that I'm unhappy. Or about the anger and tension at home.

Our child is small and is generally asleep when things are bad. But does see arguments at weekends.

Any mn wisdom would be appreciated. It's taken courage for me to write this. I'm especially concerned that even considering having a second child would be terrible. I just don't want my dc to be alone. And I always wanted a big family.

This is long. I'm sorry. I would be do grateful for any help.

I don't know how best to advise you other than please think very carefully before you conceive another child in such an unhappy marriage.
I wish you the best of luck.

Im probably not a good person to give advice, I've been on here myself moaning about my own cack marriage and I am currently planning my exit.

How old is DC? Could you get a part time job? that together with help via working tax credits and childcare tax credits and you may be surprised at how well you could manage. Look into it, it might give you the boost you need if you can formulate a plan. It's definitely doable.

I'm doing the sums myself tonight while H is at work and I actually feel excited about the future. Good luck x

LifeInBlue please get some practical advice. Many solicitors will give you a free half hour. At the moment you don't know what benefits/tax credits/maintenance you would be entitled to so arm yourself with knowledge and then think again. Please do not conceive another child in this set up - it is pure madness. Your existing child is picking up all the vibes from this dysfunctional relationship and creating a template for future relationships from it. You sound like the low-to-medium level abuse your OH is handing out has caused you to detach emotionally from him. This is a good thing. But please do not fill the gap with fantasies about new babies, fill it with practical baby steps towards a new and emotionally healthy future. Get some free counselling if you can. Keep posting here.

How old is your DC?
BTW, its much easier 'practically' to leave then you might think. Your DH would not be able to prevent you from moving an hour away. But I totally understand the not wanting to 'share' DC, I feel the same. I'll be damned if I'm ever carving up their Christmases/birthdays etc, or spending it without them!

I am only saying the following to focus your mind on fewer issues at a time - you're a bit overwhelmed.

Suppose your H went under a bus tomorrow? How would you manage?

Next, I would recommend just general reading about divorce, thinking about how it would apply to you. I have found the Resolution site a good site for this (also good for finding Family Law solicitors).

Don't stick around with someone who makes you miserable for the sake of your child. Certainly don't have more children with this person because - going with the same logic - you'll be locked into being with him for the next 20 years... 'for the children'. Everyone makes mistakes but it would be foolish to end up in a hole and then get the shovel out....

As for the big family... we can't always have what we want. That's life.

Oh yes... and talk to a solicitor and get as much information as possible on what the practicalities would be of a split. You're making some incorrect assumptions in your list and some of your fears are probably exaggerated.

Turn2us website is good to see what help you could get. I stayed in a marriage similar for dcs, I have 3 and wish I had left years ago, it's harder to leave when you have dcs, leaving with one would be easier than waiting unhappy until another dc comes along. My dcs witnessed the awful atmosphere and the eldest remembers hearing arguments at night when he was in bed. Not saying its easy but there is help out there, don't stay when you are unhappy, it isn't worth it

I'm sorry to hear things are so tough for you. Is your Dh being treated for his mild depression? Is he prepared to be? Might that help his behaviour? How is your communication between the two of you? You say no one in RL has any idea how unhappy you are? Does Dh? If he has no idea, in my view it isn't fair simply to leave without telling him & giving him a chance (at least 6 months) to change. Have you been to counselling together? Did you do any marriage preparation? Could you go back to the person who did that? It sounds as though you'd like to be happy in your relationship, you want to have anther child. I'd suggest getting some professional counselling / medical help, communicating with Dh about how his behaviour impacts on you & see if things can improve. They often can. Hope that helps.

Constant digs, hurtful things, anger, 'tension' (walking on eggshells) and fake apologies are not 'mild depression' Far more consistent with bullying or emotionally abusive behaviour.

OP - three years ago I could have written your post... Pretty much word for word with the addition of some violence and loads of gas lighting. I left after he threatened DD ( then 15 mo) and I tell you, it was the BEST thing I could have done!! I've been grinning ever since - I can sleep at night, I'm so relaxed - like you I did the majority of childcare and its so much easier when you can just get on with it, and not be second guessed all the time. The divorce was quick due to unreasonable behaviour, I used a solicitor because there were contact issues but now I'm free and happy and DD is much better off. I knew I did the right thing when she finally slept through the night for the first time - the day after he left, she was so tiny but had picked up on the stress and the eggshell atmosphere, once I was happy and relaxed so was she!! Do it - you won't regret it...

Thank you all so much

He's had counselling and he's been on anti depressants since before we met.

I'm torn because I'd love things to change but at the same time, I just don't like him. He's not very kind (generally) and he has few friends.

But leaving and divorcing seems such a huge mountain!

He knows I'm unhappy. We do communicate and he's not happy too (about all sorts of things) but he's firm that he never wants us to split up.

My parents are elderly and a divorce would upset them terribly. Not for any reasons of stigma but more being terribly upset for me and dc.

I don't have siblings.

I haven't told any friends that I'm unhappy because I don't want them to dislike my husband in case we do stay together. Also, it just seems such a huge thing to talk about! But it's massive in my head. White noise all the time.

Thank you again. I've read and re-read every post and they've all helped.

I've even been temped to apply for schools in my chosen place to live. And I've got a small amount of money in shares that he knows nothing about. Just in case.

A nasty person with depression is still a nasty person. He's unkind and has no friends... what does that tell you? I think you need to talk to someone IRL about how you feel and what's going on. A trusted friend perhaps. I know what you mean about being worried that you tell someone and then you stay together and it would be embarrassing or they'll think badly of him. But look at your rationale for this marriage.... he doesn't want a split and your parents would be upset. What do you want in your life? What are your needs? Why is LifeInBlue so undeserving of a little kindness?

BTW... I think your parents would be far more upset if they knew you were so sad than they would by any divorce. For all you know, they don't like him very much. Few people seem to....

Thank you. My parents do like him because he's charming with them. But yes, they love me and would want me to be happy. It's hard though, because I feel that I have to protect them from stress (given their age).

I will try to find a good solicitor and have an initial appointment so I can better understand my position.

This is your life. If you only ever do things that don't offend, worry or stress other people (including your husband and even your children) your self-esteem and confidence will fade to nothing.