what is make up sex and why does it happen?

[CaptainPoop]

On a currently active thread one poster makes reference to 'make up' sex after an argument. In the past I have wondered, sometimes worried, about whether my relationships have been dysfunctional as I've never experienced make up sex. On TV and in film, usually american ones, there are plenty of references to it (which is how I first heard about it), but after worrying a bit I decided it was a fictional relationship ideal like 'one true love' etc.

Anyway, the active thread in which it is mentioned has forced me to consider that people do indeed have make up sex, and I was wrong to dismiss it as make believe. So now I'm back at 'am I dysfunctional?'

After an argument there is no way I ever feel like sex. I like a cuddle and a reassuring kiss but nothing sexual. I'm too effected by the upset, I think.

Your thoughts on the matter would be appreciated

It can be a joyous response to getting a problem out of the way. Some people find arguing itself arousing.... passions are high etc. Others are so relieved that their partner is not about to flounce out of the door (or has come back after flouncing out of the door) that they 'reward' them with sex. That one's not so healthy and is sometimes known as 'hysterical bonding'

There's no right or wrong answer here, it's whatever works for you. DH and I don't have make up sex because we don't really argue.

Should have said... You're not dysfunctional if you don't go in for make-up sex.

Oh, we joke about this all the time. We normally end up joking that we should argue more often so that we can have make up sex.

In fact what usually happens is that when we either disagree about something or one of us is upset about something then we end up having a long, deep conversation about it and afterwards we usually feel very cuddly/touchy and close towards each other and I suppose there's a sort of relief that we managed to sort it out and that the problem has been shared and/or solved, so it tends to lead to sex in that way.

I don't think it happens like it does in Mr and Mrs Smith.

People are aroused by arguing???

My childhood was full of violence and fear, so disagreement tends to put me on edge. Dh and I work through problems really well but it has taken a few years of practice. Dh used to sulk/eye roll/ interrupt so I was usually too pissed off to feel 'fruity'. Now that we are much more respectful I feel I should be more open to amorous impulses, but that has yet to occur.

Is feeling too emotionally vulnerable after a disagreement to have sex unhealthy? After a lengthy and emotionally exposing discussion about whatever issue we have I feel the need to be alone or quiet. It's definitely not sulking, I would never do that, but I need to re-establish my boundaries. Is this unhealthy?

Yes people can be aroused by arguing but it's usually the spiky tit-for-tat, equal locking of horns, clearing the air, inhibitions dropped type argument IME.

I don't think wanting some personal space after a serious falling-out is unusual but if an argument leaves you feeling emotionally vulnerable, surely the disagreement has not been properly resolved? Your reaction - to me at least - is that of someone who has been defeated. Is that how you feel after an argument? Defeated?

I agree with Cogito - if you're feeling vulnerable, was the issue really resolved?

I don't think it means you should necessarily have the horn though.

Not the horn but you should feel like you need to slink off and lick your wounds either. The whole point of engaging with a partner over a disagreement is that you both get to the end of the process and feel you've been listened to, understood and your opinion taken into account, even if you didn't necessarily get your own way on that occasion. You should feel better at the end of it, not worse.

*shouldn't feel like you need to slink off...

No not defeated at all, just drained. I have mild ASC so interactions with others, even relatively easy going low stress interactions can leave me feeling 'spread too thin' IYSWIM. Dh and i never leave anything unresolved, if anything I have trouble taking time to think if something is bothering me, and I push to get it sorted at the time. It's afterwards that I need the space.

Having weighed it all up I reckon I don't have much to worry about. Thanks for your replies.

Glad you're not worried. :)

Dh and I have make up sex mainly because talking to him for a long time means I look at his face a lot which makes me want to kiss him and one thing leads to another. To be fair our "arguments" are usually me whinging about something, him saying sorry and looking all gorgeous and stuff and then me going "ah feck it just kiss me." If I really annoyed and want a good rant I have to look away because as soon as I look at him I start to go wibbly and my anger gpes.

Cailin, your post made me smile. That sounds like a lovely relationship

Don't get me wrong he does drive me round the twist at times but he is rather lovely. He never gets cross with me which I find a bit weird tbh.