Did he really say this?!

[Hithere123]

Just a rant really...my H has massive trust issues. Ive never done anything to make him distrust me. I went out with some girlfriends the other night for a meal when I got home he was in bed pretending to be asleep (!?) and was really grumpy. I knew it was because id been out so just ignored him. The next morning while I was getting DC ready he looked through my phone. I don't really mind there is nothing in there but I hate the fact he looks and thinks he is going to find what?? I told him I knew and I wasn't happy about it. This morning he said 'while you live in my house I will do what I want' I am a SAHM but come on!! Just open mouthed that he could be such a p**ck!!

He's a bully. What you're describing are not 'massive trust issues' but unacceptable controlling behaviour. He's spoiled a nice evening out for you and (even if you're not conscious of it) you'll be on pins next time you go out, wondering what crap you'll come home to. He clearly thinks he owns you. Suggest you ditch SAHM status, start earning your own money and assert your independence..... it'll make leaving this nasty piece of work a little easier when the time comes.

What he said is disgusting and out of line,you are a partnership and you are not owned by him..

Has he always been like this ?
The comment alone I would hit the roof and make it clear why your position is in your shared house and if he dared say anything like that again, you will leave or do whatever you thinks best..
The grumpy behaviour and looking in your phone will only get worse in my experience if it's not nipped in the bud,
I don't really know how you go about this but it is reasonable to assume he has something to hide/be guilty for as it's likely he is projecting or very insecure.

Ime I rarely went out but when I came back from work,shops or anywhere my phone would be taken off me and searched through as well as my email and social media and always made to feel guilty,I was also expected home within a time frame,if I was home earlier than expected would be met with suspicion and if late for wandering around the shops would
Be met with verbal abuse and the above phone search etc when I returned.
A scratch on me or dirty pants for the wash would have some sort of insinuation of my infidelity.
I realise this is extreme behaviour by my ex but it started very small because it was not challenged,
ignoring you partner won't work I can't stress enough.

I also never gave any reason for him to doubt me but he did have an online emotional affair can't prove any more happened with a long ago ex and his behaviour escalated through the roof.

Hopefully more wise mums netters will come along but just thought I'd share some insight.

'while you live in my house' seriously. If my DH uttered those words I'd tell him exactly where he could go.

Ranting is all very well and good but the underlying problems still remain when you log off MN. You have a big problem in the shape of this individual.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is keeping you with such a bullying person. This is also teaching your children damaging lessons about relationships and how they are conducted.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

I would not call this trust issues at all, I would call his behaviours power and control. Such controlling behaviour is at its heart abusive.

Agree with cogito ergo,you will be on pins when you are next out,it's a horrible feeling that will eat at you.

"While you live in my house"?

Well, for one thing it's not HIS house, if you're married it belongs to BOTH of you. Which he would find out if you were to divorce.

XH used to go on about what I'd got up to. I can be a bit clumsy, plus our house was really cluttered (he liked it that way - like a rat's nest) and I often bumped into the furniture, so I often had some jolly bruises around the thigh/hip level. These, of course, were deemed to be due to rough sex

He never, never got better. Because, as the others are rightly saying, it's not really due to insecurity, it's about control; about keeping you on the defensive. That way you're always watching what you're doing, and never watching what he's doing.

The while you live in my house comment sounds like the sort of thing my dad used to say when i was a young teenager and stepping out of line.

He is treating you like a child or a procession, Im not sure which, perhaps both!

This sort of behaviour from him is very destructive and ruins relationship and can in fact ruin lives!

My ex did all those things you mentioned, even the pretending to be asleep. It escalated to his timing me if i went to the supermarket and starting to sabotage my nights out and my friendships and then even my college course (he threw my work away) and then my job when he told my boss things i had confided in him about parts of the job i was finding difficult, resulting in my being demoted!

After a while you might find that you will stop going out to avoid the atmosphere afterwards. Well that's what normally happens.

Personally i would run like the wind if i met a man like this again because i know that it is the way they are and it just gets worse. There is nothing you can do to make him stop being so possessive and jealous.

It just gets worse. For me it escalated to his pushing me and then "accidentally" hurting me by shutting doors on me etc then he punched me repeatedly. There was also lying about counselling and gaslighting.

This escalated very fast. The whole relationship was only a year and a half!

Woahhhhh I really hope that was a in-the-moment stupid thing to say. I think you really need to talk to him and find out what he meant by that and his intentions behind the snooping..

I think the bit where the OP says "I knew it was because id been out so just ignored him"... suggests that this isn't the first time he's behaved in a controlling/possessive manner. It sounds as though she was half-expecting something.

I'm with Cogito all the way here!
This does NOT sound good.
Get out there and get yourself a job and some savings.
It will come to a point in the future when you will want to leave and you need to put yourself in a position where this will be possible.
Put a lock on your phone!

Does he allow you to check his phone all the time when ever you feel like it?
Seriously this all sounds very controlling!

yes he did say that.

so what are you going to do about it.

IME it will get worse.

My Ex put so much pressure on me when I just went out to the supermarket that if I had to stand in a queue it would bring on panic attacks and I would end up going back without the food.

Protect your situation and improve your independence.

I am absolutely horrified at this. What's your plan? You cannot stay with someone who thinks so little of you.

I know everything all of you say is true. I was posting on here not too long ago about him as I am pregnant and he wanted to leave me. I know I will need to leave at some point...I think if I had the money I would go today but I cant. We go through this and things get better for about a week or so. We always come back to this. Im just trapped at the moment with the baby. I know something needs to be done but just wanted to rant as there is nothing I can do at the moment. :'(

I don't know your circumstances but there can't be nothing you can do.
If you had the means to you would leave right now?

Try and squirrel money away every way possible no matter how small.
Like grocery shopping if something you normally buy is on offer then keep the difference,take the odd £10 cash back,if you have your own money see where you can save.
You may not feel able to leave now but when the time comes you will have your little nest egg.

Research Into your options through council and women's aid if need be.
Knowledge is power and all that.