SAHM of 10+ years, no career/skills, thinking of divorce. Need to know how to go about it...

[salamanderx]

Me and DH have had a really dragged out tortuous marriage and I am sick of it. We should have divorced years ago but I stayed on for the sake of the children. It's been 12 years

I have had no career before I met him (pretty young at the time) and I only have GCSEs and A levels. Not well qualified nor trained in any particular profession. Just worked in several different low paid jobs like shop assistant, data entry, etc. In short, I stayed with him because he doesn't mind it (as he gets to not pay alimony/child support and also he gets to be with the kids). He refuses to divorce me and says if I'm unhappy I'll have to do it first. I think he thinks he will not have to pay child support or alimony if I divorce him first myself. Is he correct in thinking that?

He earns about 40k but we have no assets at all. We are terrible at saving up and have about 4k in debt between us. I know this is not good but am trying to pay it off.

We have 3 DCs aged between 5 and 10. So now that my youngest had started going to school, I feel now I can start planning for my "escape" from this unhappy marriage.

I have no family around to help and friends are limited in what they can do so, I am not sure what is the best way to go about this. I'm a planner and I don't want to divorce him in a hurry and leave the kids in a worse financial position than if we stayed together. Afaik, the kids seem pretty happy ... but I'm sure they know me and the husband don't like each other very much.

Do I have to be homeless to get a council flat for instance? I'm thinking of going onto a Uni degree course to train for a better paying career before I start working. Is that at all practical in my circumstances? Should I do it before or after the divorce? So many questions. That's why I haven't done it yet. But I am sure I will be happier without this guy living with me (and the feeling will be mutual). My friends and family think I'm stupid to want to divorce him now though, because of the financial situation and he's a nice Dad. They think I should just stay in the marriage at least until the kids are grown.

I'd feel terrible if by divorcing him for my own happiness, I'd be doing the kids a disservice if we're gonna be too broke to let them do the things or buy the things they want..I don't want the kids to hate me for this.

Of course your not doing the children a disservice if you leave...they want a happy mum! Go get your degree and show them what a strong, independent eoman looks like. Sounds like hes holding you back. Oh, and dont listen to others. Are they married to him? No.

I think you should change the category from relationships to separation (ask mumsnet) or the legal side where may get more practical support. Certainly your dh has an obligation to provide CSA support and you should consult a divorce lawyer. Every case is different and a lawyer will be able to provide on what you are legally entitled to.

I'm in a similar position but a lot older and it just gets harder to find work, study, and keep house and home together or the kids. I came to the same conclusion that the only solution for me is to get a job and endure a few years of poverty whilst studying/ working on a career. At least if you start now you will still have a lot of your life ahead of you. Your kids are younger so you have a chance of getting sorted before they are teens and really start needing more money. Child maintenance is a separate issue from the divorce, btw. Although you'd be wise to plan your budget without it, as enforcement is often difficult.

What set me thinking was a couple of women I know. One with a nice guy who is basically useless, she waited till her kids were late teens then dragged herself out of unemployment. It took ages, via lots of voluntary work and temping, but now she has confidence back and feels it is time to lose the dead weight. I wish she could have done this years ago.

The other fell pg by accident and felt obliged to stay and get married, god knows why, in fact it probably was a god reason as she is religious. He was abusive and she endured an 18 year self imposed " imprisonment". Towards the end she did various college courses leading to degree, as soon as she got a job she left. Her kid as a young adult was given the choice of where to stay and chose his Dad. He still doesn't understand what her problem is, having lived with it all his life.She is now happy and married again and has her dream career after a few initial crappy jobs. All achieved in her forties.Shame her kid couldn't have grown with a genuinely happy mum.

My own situation is exacerbated by heavy financial commitments / debts too so I know how much easier it seems to not rock the boat. But they never go away. Better to cut your losses and work on improving things for yourself, I bet your saving etc abilities improve without being reliant on his money choices.

Sorry I don't know about housing issues best ask CAB or your local housing office. Good luck.

My thought would be to get started on some kind of training ASAP (but aim high and choose carefully, as you want a job with good employment prospects). Then once you are established on that path move to separate. That way you will have access to the support of your fellow students and your university or college.

I would suggest you find a good Family Law solicitor in your area - many offer a free initial consultation - and ask for their advice. You will find that, as a married woman with DCs you are actually in a stronger position than you think financially. It is irrelevant who starts the divorce proceedings, for example. There may not be any marital assets but your ex (as he would be) would have to support your DCs both financially and in terms of shared parenting. Joint debts you are jointly liable for but if he has any personal debts like overdrafts or credit cards then they are his to pay. Children are usually given priority when it comes to housing so don't assume you'd have to move out. If you want to set up solo, however, your local Housing Authority will be able to advise.

Once you are living solo and, when you get work, you'll find that there are various top-up benefits to help you. Have a look at the benefits checker at www.turn2us.org.uk to get an idea of what's available and how much. Maintenance is not currently regarded as income for benefits purposes so whatever he contributes would be a bonus.

But do see a solicitor.

www.turn2us.org.uk

My own experience of studying with children makes me think its a lot easier to do it with a partner to help!

I don't know if your dh would help you out and support you. That's for you to figure out.

See a solicitor, get all the facts then you can make an informed decision.

BTW.... lone parents in education have access to other grants and support that aren't available to others. If you have a particular college in mind, talk to their Student Services people and see what's available. I have a friend who studied for a degree as a lone parent of two quite small children and she seemed to get quite a lot of assistance.

I am in a similar position, there is plenty of help there for you. It's not easy, I have 3dcs and have left the home currently living with relatives. I started the divorce proceedings - much to his surprise. I have a long road ahead but it's started as I already have a small job:)

Thank you for all the replies. I have quite a lot of aspects to be looking into, but this is a good start. Thank you.