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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me to help my friend (dv related)

14 replies

sadandangry72 · 10/10/2013 20:06

Name changing regular.
My friend had a very brief relationship with someone. She finished it as he was becoming increasingly possessive/unreasonable etc and ever since hasn't left her alone.
He has progressively become more and more threatening and finally last night literally held her hostage in her own home and tried to strangle her.

I am (obviously) very worried about her safety and I'm desperate for her to go to the police asap. She feels ashamed and very scared and I need the wise folk of mumsnet to help her see that she is strong, not weak and is in no way to blame for anything. She also has no reason to be ashamed. I need her to see that he is the weak one and the only way she can be safe is to seek help.

I will be directing her here asap, thank-you.

OP posts:
Albert27 · 10/10/2013 20:13

He is totally the weak one - to do that to anyone is without a doubt proof he is a complete bully.

She was obviously strong enough to recognise that and get the hell out. She needs to stick with that strength and focus on staying away from him using all resources necessary. And that clearly means she must go to the police and report this man. He is stalking/threatening her and been violent.

She has absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. And every reason to be scared.

Does he have a key to her place? Please tell me she is no longer at home but with you/family or other friends. Xx

Original poster
sadandangry72 · 10/10/2013 20:16

She is at home and this concerns me Sad I live very close by and she has also informed her neighbours of whats going on but still not ideal. I'm hoping she will appear on here very soon x

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2013 21:30

If you know this man's name you could report him to the police yourself. Someone that violent may be known to them already.

Original poster
sadandangry72 · 10/10/2013 23:06

I do know his name and know I need to report if she doesn't but thank-you. What I need is for her to see others telling her she has nothing to be ashamed of and some words of wisdom that I feel I don't have! Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/10/2013 05:56

She may not want to hear those words of wisdom unfortunately or, if she hears them, she may be too frightened or too lacking in confidence to do anything about it. It's immaterial. This man is threatening and dangerous. If I read it right, he came to her home where he carried out an assault or at the very least terrorised her. They are not in a relationship. They don't live together. If some stranger off the street had done the same thing, you'd have no hesitation in intervening. Don't wait for her to be found dead...

frogslegs35 · 11/10/2013 12:45

It's not her fault she attracted a dickhead - so no reason to be ashamed.
She ended it after he started being a dick - she's not weak.

Normal men don't behave that way so I can only assume he's a fucking psycho.

Held hostage and strangled on Wedsnesday night Angry
WHAT'S NEXT?

Sad's friend - If you read this PLEASE PLEASE find the strength to report this bastard to the police to protect yourself and ensure your own safety. Even if he suddenly leaves you alone still report it as his next victim might not be so lucky.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/10/2013 16:23

She absolutely has to report all of his behaviour to the police immediately.
As said, who knows what is next?
Why would she risk her own life/safety?
Ashamed of what? I'm at a loss here - honestly!
Get everything reported to the police now.
Then she needs to keep a diary of everything he has done and everything he does from now on.
It is stalking and it is illegal and she can stop him but the police need to know.
I hope she has now already reported it and she is safe?

Original poster
sadandangry72 · 11/10/2013 17:30

She has reported it, I haven't had a chance to hear exactly how it went but hope to soon. Thank-you, she's been lurking on her. As for why she feels shame, she feels ashamed she let it happen (even though categorically she isn't too blame!) Prior to all this, she was a feisty woman, its horrendous to see what one twisted individual can reduce someone to Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
sadandangry72 · 11/10/2013 17:31

'here' not 'her'

OP posts:
itsametaphordaddy · 11/10/2013 17:33

Police. Change the locks. Report any other behaviour like this. Poor thing.

Spirulina · 11/10/2013 17:34

Glad she reported it

I remember that police/women's aid etc all regard strangulation as a 'key trigger'.... It indicates a real danger. More so that a slap or punch ( but obviously it's all very serious)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/10/2013 18:12

Very pleased that she reported him. It's part of the abusive nature of such people that they manage to make their victims feel somehow responsible. Now that she's taking control and (I hope) being taken seriously by the police, she should start to rediscover her old feisty self. Another suggestion for her is to consider enrolling for the Freedom Programme, counselling aimed at victims of male abuse. Best of luck to your friend.

Original poster
sadandangry72 · 11/10/2013 19:04

Just seen her, much brighter/positive but obviously still very troubled. Thank-you for all the great advice x

OP posts:
something2say · 11/10/2013 21:09

Absolutely normal to feel the way she feels. Assaults do leave you shaken and changed as a person. But what he did was classic abuse, it escalated as he lost control. I am worried that he went so quickly to such a serious thing ie the strangling. He by passed threats etc then and went straight for the big guns, absolutely critical that she reports him as the risk he poses is probably high. The next steps are for her to see her GP soon, maybe take some time off work. Take care on what happens with the conviction. I there is no restraining order, she will need to see whether he contacts her again, if he does, and it is harassment, she may wish to either report it again to the police or look at taking out a civil order herself. Can you as her friend google DV services in your local area who will take her thro all this? If he makes contact she under no circumstances responds and if he makes any threats she is to report them all. Remember, she doesn't ally know him, and already he moved to strangle her. So what is he actually capable of? Perpetrators need to know that no actions of their go un responded to. Xxxxxxx. Increase the good, by talking and sharing and getting support, and decrease the bad by not having anything to do with him, and reporting anything that he comes forward with xxxxxxx

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