Confused, you cant turn bi right?

[Namechangetohide]

Im a reg but obviously name changed for this. Ok of course you cant turn gay/bi right you either are or your not so help me work this out because im feeling really freaked out at the moment.

Im late 20's happily married for 8 years, 3 children always identified as completely straight. Admit to struggling to find most men attractive never quite 'got' what other women see in a lot of men but had never been attracted to a woman either, I fancied boy bands growing up etc. So about 6 months ago I found myself attracted to a female celeb for the first time, presumed it was jealousy that she was so great looking, I've always struggled with good looking women find it hard to give eye contact and blush if they speak to me but the more I seen this celeb the more attracted I've felt to the point I imagined kissing her. I tried pushing it the back of my mind but suddenly found other female celebs were really attractive to me too, I knew id like to kiss them but no more the thought of oral with a woman made me feel ill but as the months have went on I've thought about it all the time im even dreaming about it for gods sake so to test myself I looked at some lesbian porn (I know MN hate porn but I just needed to make sense of things in my head) as it turns out without TMI I wasn't disgusted and the thought of oral doesn't disgust me anymore either, im feeling really confused and don't know how to make sense of any of this obviously im happily married so nothing would ever happen with either sex but im pretty freaked out by this side of me even I knew nothing about and not sure how to make it go away again, im almost 30 I would of known about this before now right? I cant imagine being in a relationship with a woman at all and seem to have a 'type' of women that im only attracted to who tend to be gorgeous celebs but still wtf?

I think if every woman who had a crush or got turned on by gay images considered themselves bi, there would be millions. If you're happily married and pretty comfortable in yourself and your sexuality, same-sex fantasies can be a 'safe' place to explore.

My mum discovered she was a lesbian when she was in her 40s, so it can definitely happen.

A lot of women I have known have had specific, sexual crushes on other girls while being otherwise completely straight. Others have found the somewhat 'taboo' (not so much in societal terms, but in terms of their own sexual identity) aspect a little thrilling.

You could try discussing it with your partner. If you can still honestly say you find him sexy, then tell him you're also having these fantasies, it becomes something you can share and enjoy rather than being afraid of.

I think it's quite common, actually. I have anecdotally heard of a number of women, happily identified as straight, who married men, had children, and later found they wanted to be with a female romantic partner.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/22/late-blooming-lesbians-women-sexuality

The question is: are you still happy with and attracted to your husband? If there is no specific woman in question only fantasy celebrities and porn and you still love your husband and want to stay with him, then all you need to do is continue to remain faithful to your husband, even now that both men and women are hypothetical alternative romantic interests.

I have tried dropping hints to dh commenting on a celeb being attractive which I have never done before male or female, he doesn't seem to like the idea though so I wouldn't dare tell him the extent of these fantasies.

I am very happy with dh he is my best friend, there was no attraction in beginning of our relationship I haven't actually been physically attracted to any one I've had sex with TBH but I do enjoy sex recently though these thoughts are getting in the way a little for me as I go into fantasy land automatically as soon as im aroused and obviously a penis doesn't come into it so its like a splash of cold water, if I could shove these feelings of curiosity aside it would be fine

This is a million more times common that you think. I wish more of us could talk about it.

I am straight. No question about that - I don't want to have sex with women. Or at least, have never met a woman I want to have sex with (who knows what the future holds, eh?).

But my main fantasy is about women. It's my favourite fantasy. I even have a type.

I don't consider myself bi-sexual as such simply because I've never felt the slightest pull towards any woman in real life (and no, I don't think there's any denial going on). But my fantasy life is another matter.

Dunno why, and I don't really care. I think it's common enough to almost be considered the norm. And, I seem to remember reading a statistic that suggested that as much as 75% of women had lesbian fantasies at some point or another.

My advice - enjoy the fantasy. If/when it starts to encroach on real life (you meet someone you fancy) then cross that bridge when you come to it.

Labels are not really all that helpful when it comes to human sexuality, I don't feel. We're complicated creatures.

Thanks Oliver, your right its definitely something I wish people could talk about but I cant imagine telling anyone in RL this. I've seen women in real life walking down the street etc. that I feel an attraction too but only on that basic level, I don't really know many women generally tbh to tell if there would be a real pull I hope not. I suppose the question 'what does this make me' is in my head now, I cant be bisexual if I've never touched another woman before, im not likely to find out as Id never cheat on dh so I suppose I will just need to keep battling what's in my head and will never know why its come up now and never before, good to know im not alone though

You don't just hit puberty and think 'Tom is really cute but I like Alice too'. Sometimes it's a bit slower than that. I was lesbian for a couple of years before I 'turned' bi - I do have a theory as to why but in essence I think it was not fancying any boys/men who I knew.
If you did want to stick a label on it I wouldn't worry too much about not being able to call yourself bi because you've never had sex with a woman. You wouldn't tell a teenage virgin that they couldn't define their own sexuality based on lack of experience.

It's very interesting that you say you haven't been physically attracted to anyone you've had sex with OP. It might be worth exploring what it was that led you to want to have sex with them, if it wasn't physical attraction.

I've always struggled with good looking women find it hard to give eye contact and blush if they speak to me
This is interesting as well.

I suppose I had sex with them because I could, home life wasn't great and I wanted a steady relationship from a very young age (14 ish) I knew I could sleep with any boy I wanted so I did. My previous relationship was heavy too young and he was abusive, when I met dh again I slept with him because I could and after that realised he was a good person and could take me away from all the pain and give me that relationship I wanted so here we are.

I don't know why I struggle around woman, I presume because I have low self esteem and maybe think they judge me I feel I care more weather women find me attractive than men I have no idea why though, I don't have many female friends and really struggle around women

Up until the age of 17 I had always considered myself as sexually attracted to males and had boyfriends etc but then something suddenly changed in me. I suddenly got a massive crush on Holly Valance (if anyone remembers her) and I was downloading images of her in bikinis and plastering them all over my college work etc - it was bizarre. I used to watch her on TV in her music videos and feel strongly attracted to her. I never dwelt on it too much and continued to have relationships with males. When I was 21 I met a girl at party via my ex (she happened to be his new girlfriend) and we absolutely hit it off, I was completely drawn to her. I knew she felt the same too. After the party I never saw her again but thought about her a lot. A year later my ex (still going out with this girl) contacted me and said that his girlfriend had confessed she often thought about women sexually and had been very attracted to me at the party and did I want to meet up with them? Part of me thought. I was mad but the other part was exciting and do I went. Me and the girl them embarked on a sexual relationship (with the boyfriends knowledge)which lasted about 4 months - we ended it because it all got very complicated and difficult.

That was 8 years ago now. I have never been sexually attracted to another woman, have never done anything sexual with another woman, not even kissed one. I continued to have relationships with men and am now married very happily.

Sexuality isn't black and white. Despite that brief relationship I would still class myself as 'straight' - I was just young and curious.

There's a lot of evidence that sexuality is fluid, just a quick google brings up a few articles including this one www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/7883867/Late-blooming-lesbians-women-can-switch-sexualities-as-they-mature.html

So it's far from unheard of.

I do remember holly valance (kiss kiss video especially!) now you mention it I always found women like her gorgeous but put it down to jealousy/ aspirational maybe it was something more I just didn't realise it or maybe im just over thinking it now. Its interesting that you actually had a sexual relationship with a woman and still identify as straight, In all my relationship with dh I've never once thought about sex with another man I almost wish it was men I was fantasying over you cant really duplicate the feeling of wanting a woman with a man can you

It was really strange actually because the first time we kissed it felt absolutely natural but when she invited me over to hers one day for a 'girly night in' I knew what was on the agenda and I thought to myself, "Can I really do this?" We were like nervous school kids when I turned up. We spent hours chatting and had a few drinks and ordered Take Out etc but when it came to 'bedtime' I didn't feel nervous as such, but I wasn't sure I could go through with it. However, in hindsight, it was my first encounter with a female so I had no idea what I was supposed to do, lol, I suppose it was no different to the nerves I had before I had sex with a male for the first time I think it helped that we were both first-timers as we did feel pressured to 'perform' in any certain way

I still think about her a lot and when I fantasise I think about her and replay over in my mind our first meetings and imagine us in different scenarios etc. I never ever fantasise about other men though. It's mad really.

I just don't know if having a 4 month affair with a woman amongst the 16 years I have been dating men is enough to label me as bisexual? And like I said, I have never been sexually attracted to any other female, it has only ever been her.

I also had these feelings and believe them to be very common but a taboo subject. I acted on them [I wish I hadn't], my marriage failed. In retrospect I made too much of it all and panicked, thinking I was gay [never attracted to many men apart from husband, but no problems with the sexual side of things]. I was pretty naïve and didn't know then what I know now.

I should have seen it for what it was - just an aspect of human sexuality and curiousity, yet I felt I wasn't being fair to my husband and let him go to find someone else more 'straight'. In the single years following women were often attracted to me, whereas men aren't much - so it was easy to make a lot of friends in the gay world. I had a couple of meaningful [to me!] relationships but they didn't work out in the long term. Hard lesson learnt.

I think it was the friendship/sisterhood part of the whole scenario that I really craved. I am now celibate, I certainly wasn't a lesbian - rather pansexual with a low sex drive. Basically I wish I'd stayed married rather than be 'noble' about it.

BTW from experience, not all lesbians partake in 'oral' any more than all gay men do anal.

You don't 'become' bisexual, but bisexuality can mean being attracted to different genders at different stages in life, as well as/instead of sexual 'ambidextrousness'.

Look at Tom 'Glad to be Gay' Robinson -- now married with kids!

Are you attracted to female sexuality per se, or have you just developed a girl-crush and are experimenting with your fantasies?

Either way, bi- and homosexuality are nothing to be ashamed of. That can't be stressed enough.

So far, the action has all taken place in your head. Perhaps you can keep it that way.

If you can't keep it confined to your head, please please please let your partner in on this new dimension of your life, rather than doing something you might have cause to regret later. If he's a good partner, he will (eventually) come to terms with it. Hell, who knows, he might even find it attractive.

My own personal stance: Everyone is potentially bisexual to a greater or lesser degree. And it is possible to be confused and happy!

I agree with many of the previous posters that sexuality is pretty fluid, with people having different leanings at different times in their lives. Many people also have fantasies that bear little resemblance to their real life experiences, and don't have any intentions of acting on them, and same sex fantasies are, I imagine, pretty common.

That said, OP, you sound as though you are getting pretty stressed with these desires. Maybe you are bi, maybe you are even gay. Possibly you have undergone some sort of change for whatever reason.

I identified as straight for most of my young adult life and married and had children. It was only when I hit 40 that something shifted in me, and I ended up falling in love with another woman. I now think of myself as gay, but am locked in a hetero world and haven't yet worked out how to come out without causing a whole heap of stress to those I love best. It's all a bit of a mess TBH.

I don't know if I was ever really straight, but I think societal pressure to conform and my own desire to have a 'normal' life with husband and kids, made me miss some clues earlier on. Certainly I fell in love with men, but I never really understood them and I never really liked sex. It was OK, but there was always this niggle at the back of my mind that it could be better.

The last poster was right though. You need to work through this before leaping in bed with a woman and messing everything up.

I'm on the other side of the topic.

I was for 19 years happily married to a straight man. However something shifted a few yrs back for him and he started to find male celebs and their bodies attractive, over time this developed into enjoying gay porn and also liking real men in the street.. 1 yr ago he came to the assumption he was gay. So I think yes being bi/gay can develop in later years. The amount of stuff I have read shows sexuality can change with age and you aren't always gay or straight. There's lots of inbetweens. If your happy with the sexual side of your life with your husband then it could just be its a fantasy or maybe you are bi. Don't stress about it and try chatting to your husband.

I was married to a man...

Friend in relationships with men

Neither of us had any relations with woman, or had any feelings towards woman

She was 30, I was 20, we got closer and closer and we are now together as a couple and have been for 9 years, we have the most amazing sex

I had a relationship with a woman when I was 30. I had always thought I was straight, and have only ever been with men before her and since her.

I don't really get crushes on women like I do with men, but for me, at that time, it was about the person, not the gender.

I've tried touching on the subject with dh it didn't go well he got annoyed so I laughed it off as a joke its really not something we can share and talk about. I suppose it would be easier if it was just one particular woman I was drawn to then I could put it down to just a one crazy must be the person thing rather than question my whole sexuality like this. Before when I've looked at attractive women I've thought I must want to be them but it feels different now, of course I do notice attractive men too but rarely, I've been trying to look at men more in an effort to force myself to see what other women see. I can see a great looking mans body and think 'wow very nice' but I don't really want to shag them I've actually never understood it when women go crazy over men's bodies I appreciate it but no urges ifykwim then if I see an attractive woman I feel really drawn to her like a pull I've never felt before I cant really explain it, curiosity of the unknown maybe.

wow my heads pretty messy it seems

Oh dear to the 'trying to force myself to notice men' bit.

It might be as well to store the number for the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard in your phone (despite the name, they serve the UK).

If you need to chat about your current situation, they're invaluable and non-judgemental.

From their website:

Providing free & confidential support & information to lesbian, gay, bisexual & transgendered communities throughout the UK

HELPLINE 0300 330 0630 (DAILY 10AM - 11PM)

thank you but I really cant imagine calling something like that cant believe im even feeling these things, going to try and push this all to the back of my head and focus on my family and hope It goes back to where ever it came from, maybe im making it worse but trying to prove to myself like this, was in the supermarket earlier and seen a really stunning woman she even smelt amazing and I was so drawn to her it was crazy, whenever I looked at her she caught my eye I actually thought she could tell what I was thinking, im officially losing it! thank you all for all the advice and letting me just get this stuff out of my head a little by writing here

"something like that"

Good luck with everything.

oh I really didn't mean that to sound off, I just meant calling an advice line any advice line and actually speaking to someone just isn't me, sorry if I sounded flippant, just feeling rather lost

thank you I truly appreciate your advice

No worries.

Perhaps you ought to speak to your GP?

Not because they can do anything about your sexuality (no-one can, NOT EVEN YOU!) but because they might be able to suggest some form of support for you while you're under such stress. Perhaps counselling? Not sure.

I realised I was bi during my first straight relationship, and my partner threatened to leave me over it. I went straight back in the closet. We blundered along for a year or two more, then split up over nothing at all. I was free to explore, but got into some horrible, messy situations, often at the expense of my mental health, over the next decade and a half. I wish in retrospect that I had reached out and found support, rather than go it alone.