Are some people just meant to be alone?

[FigRolls]

I've been in 4/5 long term relationships in my life; most recent is 5 years in. He's trustworthy, gorgeous, kind, thoughtful, loving, affectionate, good with children, works hard, adores me etc. We do have a few issues but they are resolvable and he really sees us living happily ever after. However, and I seem to always be the same after a couple of years with someone, I find things about him starting to annoy me - tiny things like washing up in the wrong order, always touching me if I'm in reaching distance etc. On the nights he isn't working I resent that I can't just read and sleep, that I feel obliged to watch TV with him and have sex. I enjoy sex but its the expectation we will have it that annoys me then puts me off. I had a lonely childhood with awful parents, I'm very independent and completely happy when it's just my children and I. I don't know if I'm subconsciously sabotaging what, realistically, is the best relationship I've ever had/ever may have or whether some people are just better off alone?

Gosh I don't know! All the things you list as hating are the things I really love. Hmmmm, did the same things annoy you at the beginning of yr relationship? I know when I have totally gone off someone then everything they do drives me bonkers, particularly trying to touch me. Perhaps you just don't fancy him anymore?

You aren't obliged to have sex - does he make you feel like you are?

We all feel like that after a few years, you do get on each other's nerves at times.

Re the sex though, I don't get how you feel you have to do it, why is that?

No I loved spending time with him for the first few years but now it feels like we have nothing to talk about. He can't just sit and 'be' with me, he keeps asking: 'what else do you know?' Or telling me he loves me and expecting it to be said in return. I feel I have to do it as we used to have loads of sex and we both have a high sex drive. He texts me various precursors throughout the day like: 'I can't wait to have you tonight' or 'I'm so horny for you' etc. before I'd have been excited, now I'm irritated. As soon as I sit down after putting kids to bed etc he tries to initiate sex and it puts me off tbh.

It almost sounds like he knows you are going off him, and he's feeling insecure, and trying to get reassurance from you.

Yeah, he's definitely trying too hard, almost smothering you with it. Time to sit down together and have that talk.

Rather than being destined to be alone, could it be that your relationship (and maybe the previous ones) was always based mostly on the physical? Which is great, don't get me wrong, but most LTRs usually need something else to keep everyone together once the sheer lust aspect has calmed down a bit. What do you have in common, in other words, and how could you (plural) strengthen the non-physical side of your relationship?

Aero addict has a point!

God I would love OH to write me some dirty messages lol. I always have to leap on him

I don't think it means you're destined to be alone. That kind of constant contact would annoy me too I think. DP and I both value our alone time quite a lot and we don't spend every evening doing things together.

Other people though would feel rejected if their partner was happy with their own company and didn't ask them questions etc.

I don't think either is right or wrong, it's just what kind of personality you have and how you relate to others. Perhaps you're just realising you're not compatible? :(

Sorry - that's a bit of a blunt assessment. Do you think maybe you could speak to him and say you're feeling a bit touched out at the moment - perfectly normal with small children - and you need some space in the evenings etc, ask him to not text you the sexy texts every day, but more occasionally?

You sound just like me OP. I'm exactly the same ... almost feel 'smothered' after a year or so with someone... as if I'm the source of all drive and knowledge and giving of things, which I find incredibly exhausting. I had an odd upbringing too which has lead me to have a very independent lifestyle as a form of protection really. Do you think that now that the fizz has died down a little between the two of you, you are struggling with compatibility? Are you the 'clever' one in the relationship? What do those who know you think? Do they have an opinion on your current and past partners?

Hi, sorry I've taken ages to reply - various illnesses, work getting in the way etc.

Cogito - this is actually the only relationship I've ever had that's started physically. Usually I'd pick people based on personality and sacrifice the physical side, DP is the only person I've really really wanted and actually got. I find him very attractive and our sex life is great. He's a great father, kind, respectful, funny etc. family is very important to him, he doesn't go out with his friends spending money on strippers etc. I feel like I'm being a bitch half the time for feeling irritated/suffocated sometimes but I don't actually be horrible to him. I enjoy spending time with him but sometimes resent the prospect of it, which makes no sense to me. Things have been great since I posted, I just don't want these phases of me feeling suffocated to cause problems in the future.

Hmmm...this has given me pause for thought, as I often feel the same way. There could be many factors at play here, but what jumped out at me is that you enjoy time on your own. I think society doesn't acknowledge the fact that some of us like- and crave- to be on our own, to do our own thing, and puts too much emphasis on the enjoyability (is that a word?!) of doing things as a couple/ family. So that you are seen as abnormal, or that there is something wrong in your relationship, if you want to spend time on your own.

I think it's natural to have things about your partner that irritate you. It does sound a bit smothering and that you need a bit more space.

Do you have separate friends? Time for separate interests?

Maybe you are stuck in a rut, predictability can be boring when its the same thing day in and day out we may start thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Do you have any outside interests? this can be a big factor

I am, and have felt the same as you OP, and have chosen to be on my own now. I have felt suffocated and also been put off by predictability and the expectations in a close sexual relationship, and I get irritated by constantly being 'on show', never left to be myself. I feel 'pressured', I shouldn't have, and it's not been fair to partners, I know that.

I have also felt awful, as I have at the same time really, sincerely loved my partners/husband, but something drives me to separate mentally as I crave my own space, feeling claustrophobic.

I had an unusual childhood, in that I was firstly the only child, grew up without a father, then had a horrible stepfather, and was rejected in favour of half-siblings. It made me independent, used to my own company, not able to 'share' like others do, and I had to develop my own survival/coping mechanisms. No hugs or affection, and so not used to constant, close contact - with anyone. I think I learned how to cope too well! I also have a stress condition caused by the above, so it's probably where the roots of the problem lies - I hate feeling 'pressure', even from those I love.

My ideal scenario has always been [after the first 'honeymoon' years make me feel anxious as I know/assume it is going to end...] to have a partner living in a house next door! Thus being more in control and being able to 'shut off', and recover my autonomy and identity I suppose.

Now I live on my own, quite happily but with some sadness, and have a close friend who I see at the weekends only. It works. I'm celibate but that's fine as I'm older now. I think it is not fair of me to try and have a relationship with anyone, as I have little to offer, I do not expect anyone else to understand my need for solitude and irritation when I don't get it!

Every single relationship I had till I was 24 was like this. Then I met DH. 20 years on and I'm still waiting to fall out of love/lust with him. Hasn't happened yet

Bluebird you sound similar to me, even down to the wanting to live next door to a partner instead of sharing a house with them.

I've always been independent and I suppose I'm an introvert in the true meaning of the word (I'm confident and sociable, but need to be alone quite a bit to recharge my batteries); I don't get lonely being alone. The main thing that motivates me to find a man is that I love having sex with someone I fancy. If I lost my sex drive I'd be content with just having friends. I'm in love with the idea of finding MrRight and all that goes with him, but in reality I'm really not sure I could tolerate being with someone that much. Maybe I'm destined to have lots of short term relationships, because as soon as the honeymoon period wears off I usually lose interest.

OP I could have written that post to quite some degree. I value my independence (due to a bit of a dysfunctional childhood) enormously and have always said Helena Bonhamm Carter and Tim Burton have the ideal relationship living next door to each other!

I would suggest you speak to your partner about your need for a bit more space away from the constant touching and sexy texts. I would say something along the lines that you need the opportunity to "miss him"
a bit to help you feel more loving. When it's offered on a plate we tend not to value things as much do we?

As for the expectation to have sex have you tried just saying you aren't up for it? If he is such a nice guy he will get that sometimes you don't fancy it and maybe a cuddle is enough. Obviously do explain this clearly though.

It may be though, that you are destined not to be part of a long term relationship as it doesn't suit you. I get that totally but maybe try to adjust the relationship you have now so it it suits you a bit more before doing anything a little extreme?

I feel like this. I am recently divorced after a 9yr relationship and can't imagine sharing my space with someone again. I honestly don't feel like anything is missing once I have the dc in bed and I can just do/watch whatever I like.
I don't know if it's because I am only just divorced and it was an EA relationship, or if I just don't need someone in my life. I was happy before I met Ex-H, so I think maybe the latter.

Go for counselling then you will learn yourself whether its your past or you DP.

I am like this too OP. I have always had lots of long distance relationships, because, actually, that suits me.
I can sustain intimacy in short bursts, but having someone there all the time irritates me. I don't want someone touching me all the time, or wanting to talk all the time.(I am fine with dc though, oddly, and have a very close relationship with ds).
I also know exactly what you mean about the sex. It's the expectation of regular sex in a long term relationship that just kills my libido. Sometimes I want sex 3 times a day, sometimes not for 3 weeks, and that is tricky in a relationship.
Weirdly, my first serious relationship was the only one where I didn't feel like this most of the time, and we were a real unit, but I was very young, and we were best friends. I did stop wanting to have sex with him though.
I know I compartmentalize my life a lot, and need space from being around people, but actually would love to be able to have a real relationship.
And yes, the living next door scenario is my dream also. Or maybe down the street!
No advice, sorry, but I know how you feel.

I think that some people are better off alone, yes. In this country, we are taught that what we should be aiming for is this 'beautiful compatibility' with a partner.... all this talk of 'soul mates' and other such bollocks. Some people actually believe in that stuff and want it for themselves, and others don't. It is assumed that when a person lives alone, that that is not a situation they actually want or like, and 'friends' start setting up dates and talking about speed dating events and joining rambling associations etc etc, because surely, to live alone is an unhappy state of affairs.

However, more and more people are choosing to live alone, if housing statistics are anything to go by, this much is true.

And some of the happiest years of my life were when I lived alone.