Aibu to not want to celebrate my wedding anniversary

[flippingebay]

My DH had an affair 3 years ago, initially I was led to believe it was an EA with a woman from work. When I found out he did all the right things. Finished it in front if me, changed his number, deleted his Facebook account and found another job.

Early this year I found our he'd had sex with her whilst it was going on. It felt like old wounds had been reopened.

I do struggle with his affair sometimes but our relationship is now better than it's been in a long long time.

Trouble is I always struggle this time of year as it's our wedding anniversary. He had the affair less than 6 months after we got married. When I think of our wedding all I can feel is hurt and disappointment as our marriage can't have meant anything to him, the vows feel hollow etc..

I just want to stick my head in the sand on this one day and pretend it didn't happen. Just this day I don't want to have to 'try' and pretend it's ok. DH wants to go out for a meal - I really don't want to celebrate this day

I think you should take this as a sign that you haven't dealt with this affair at all effectively. That doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is over if you don't want it to be, but it is going to have to get worse before it gets better as you will need to go right back there and reopen old wounds.

While I don't believe that an adulterous spouse should have to spend the rest of their life apologising for their behaviour and having it thrown back in their face, they do have to accept that the onus is on them to prove they are worthy of trust and to be patient in allowing the betrayed spouse to heal. That can easily take a couple of years.

Apart from ending the affair and breaking off contact, what has your DH done to show you he's learned from his mistake and should be trusted not to do it again? Has he attended counselling? Done any reading? Learned what the motivations were for his behaviour? Has he accepted that it was his choice to do as he did and that nothing you might have said or done, or not said or done, is responsible. Has he apologised and asked you what he can do to make you feel like you matter more than anyone to him? If these questions weren't thrashed out at the time, you are going to need to revisit them if you are going to move forward.

In the meantime, I think he should accept that you don't want to celebrate your anniversary and respect that his betrayal is responsible for that.

I think you may be right.. At the time we did a lot of talking but I always felt I've never had the full story. And finding out vital information over 2 years later hasn't helped with this.

He never once blamed me and put it down to having our dd, work, stress and having his ego massaged.

So two thirds of your marriage has been a lie?

No wonder you don't want to celebrate that. It's not really anything to celebrate.

It's hard to see how you can ever really get past the fact that he was shagging someone else straight after getting married and lied to you about that fact for a further two years.

Do you really want this betrayal to be something you have to pretend you are OK with for the rest of your life?

He made you go through all the pain of recovery from an affair so soon after your marriage and he was STILL lying and now you have to do it all again.

It seems very unlikely that a man who was shagging someone else within months of marrying you is worth that amount of pain.

I don't blame you.

He seemed to have done the right things when it first came out, but he still lied.
I'm not sure I'd have been able to forgive a full on affair, but certainly not if he had still lied once found out.

That you haven't really forgiven can't be good for you and your relationship. I think you need to work on forgiving (did you find out about the sex or did he confess to it?) or leave.

How is the marriage otherwise?

I've nothing more to add than what's already said by others but on the positive side, might it help for you and dh to choose an alternative day (temporarily) to celebrate your marriage? Perhaps purposely choosing a date which reflects the reconciliation and from that day onwards. That way you can still have a nice occasion out to celebrate with a conscious positive focus and meaning behind it.

Which reconciliation?

The first fake one where he still lied to her for two years?

Or the more recent one where he might well still be lying, since that's what he does?

If you're still struggling 2 years on and feel sick at the thought of marking your wedding anniversary have you possibly sacrificed too much to make this reconciliation? It's actually OK to admit you can't forgive.

Sorry.... three years on.

No wonder. What is there to celebrate here?

Cognito - did you realise she's only just found out that he lied to her about them having sex? (I'm only asking because you said 'after 2 years' and to me, just finding out something big like that changes the '2 years' bit).

flippingebay - how did you find out they had in fact had sex? He didn't do 'all the right things' 2 years ago, because he didn't tell you the truth :(

(Yes - 3 years ago -you've got me at it now!)

I do think it's reasonable to feel as if the countdown started when you had the latest revelation, rather than when the affair actually happened. I also think that the pressure on you to celebrate the anniversary when you feel uncomfortable with it is not a good sign, as it means your feelings are (still) being discounted. Your DH may have done everything right since apart from the little matter of lying about having had sex but if he is overriding your reluctance in this matter he is still failing to put you first as he should. Understandable that he'd rather forget what he did, hopefully he is still mortified when he is reminded of it, but still, you are the wounded party. You have to forgive, forget and maintain appearances - why?

To err is human, to forgive divine 'n' all that - and I do agree that good people do very stupid things sometimes, can learn from it and behave better in future (hell, don't we all? Though infidelity is a big'un). Some posters on here said just the other day that they have stronger relationships following an affair, because both parties looked at themselves and made real, necessary changes. Not quite enough has changed in your case, by the sound of it. I think that's why you're still struggling, rather than because you've got into a mental rut. If you brush something under the carpet you can still see a lump.

I think, if new revelations are coming out three years down the track, the OP will be constantly on pins wondering when the next lie will be exposed. Resetting the countdown is a very apt metaphor. Three years is a long time to realise you've been conned. Plus, if they've only been married 4 years in total and the affair happened just six months after the wedding, that's 75%, the vast majority, of this ill-fated relationship screwed up either by an affair or lying about an affair. I don't see anything

Thank you, I appreciate all the honest responses.

To try and answer some of the questions.. On the whole our relationship is good, it's better than it's ever been (if you discount the obvious) it's very much a partnership and he pulls his weight, is 'now' open with his phone, passwords, PC etc etc. I do genuinely feel he didn't tell me due to absolute panic it would be the last straw for me.

I found out via a mutual friend, who I'd told about the affair. My DH had mentioned the sex whilst talking about it to him following a night out (fucking idiot), so no, it wasn't a confession and I'm sure I'd still be in the dark had he not gobbed off.

He walked in last night with flowers and stuff to cook me a meal with tonight, as we can't go out. I got a card off him this morning too. I did mention a few months ago I didn't want to celebrate our anniversary, so he's either forgotten this (quite possible) or trying to be nice. I just muttered a thank you and went to work.

I'm thinking if sending him a brief email explaining why I don't want to celebrate. Not war and peace, or blame, just a 'this is me' email.

The analogy of the rug is a good one.. I'll be ok tomorrow, just yesterday and today brings it all up again.

Sorry for rambling

So, on a night out, he casually told a friend about the sex but lied to you for three whole years? Don't you think that goes beyond 'fucking idiot' to 'fucking disrespectful'? How on earth is this a good relationship? Are you so easily bought off with a few flowers?

I do genuinely feel he didn't tell me due to absolute panic it would be the last straw for me

That maybe so - but why do you think it's ok that he lied to you in case you left him?

I think he is trying to minimise the damage he has done to your relationship. He is trying to 'brush his affair under the carpet' and he just wants you to forget all about it.

He carried on lying to you, for a further 2 years... how on earth can you trust him?

"so he's either forgotten this (quite possible) or trying to be nice"

OR far more likely than either of those, he's trying to steam roller you into swallowing your feelings and carrying on as though you have a happy relationship because that is what HE wants.

This man didn't do ANYTHING right after he was caught cheating.

He continued lying to YOU but was still happy to boast to mutual friends about his shagging on the side.

How on earth can you be OK with that?

It's dreadful that he was prepared to treat you like such a complete idiot just so he could get his way.

Where, in any of this, is there any care for YOU, for what is best FOR YOU?

He clearly doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

Why was him lying to you for another 2 years not the last straw?