I realise I've been having an EA, how to get out?

[HabichK]

I feel like such an idiot and very, very low.

I have a loving DH who is a great Dad to 2 DDs. But money, childcare, work etc etc has made life stressful for the last couple of years. I love him but we have very little fun together.

Since about May I became friendly with someone through campaigning work that I do. I thought it was fun - he's younger, married with a kid. He kept telling me how great I was.

I thought I had it all under control but I don't and I feel completely sick. Basically I think the person I became close to is emotionally abusing me & I'm so confused. Nothing sexual has ever happened between us but he started sending very sexual text messages. Then he would be incredibly apologetic if I didn't reply. I admit I found it a turn on. I still justified it all to myself by saying nothing had actually happened physically. But it has really really messed up my head.

The worst thing is, I am very dependent on the EA bloke at work - I think he has made it that way. We are embarking on an intense 7 week campaign. Every time I think I've re established a professional relationship he sends more sexual messages. I can't tell him to stop because I feel guilty for getting so inappropriately close in the first place & he has power over me at work. But he's started being cruel too and that's what I find most hard to take. He sometimes sends nasty messages. He tries to make me jealous by telling me he's meeting other women we know at work (he's just started doing this). I am ashamed to say it does make me jealous.

But why?? What the fuck is wrong with me??? My poor DH doesn't deserve this despite all our problems. Why am I emotionally hooked on this wanker??? I know mostly it's because work dynamics prevent me calling him out on his behaviour. I'm thinking about leaving work but that would be a disaster for DH and me & I've invested such a lot.

Sorry this is long. Please help. I feel very on the edge.

If you work with this man and he's your superior or supervisor what you're describing is sexual harassment and he's seriously abusing his position. If you're emotionally hooked I'd suggest it's because he's being extremely manipulative and playing a) on your need for attention and b) the guilt you feel towards your DH which is preventing you from reporting this man to HR (or senior management).

Do you think he has kept records of your past text conversations? Have you? My thoughts are that you should give your DH a sanitised version of the truth because you need to get this out in the open and the guilt is holding you back. Then clobber this man from a great height via your organisation.... or.... threaten to tell the wife and kids what a shit he is.

Thanks Cogito. Some of what you say is true. But he's not exactly my superior at work - it's just he has power informally because he is letting me work on something with his help that could be a huge step forward for me career wise.

I'm ashamed to say this is why I've probably over romanticised his behaviour in my head when actually a lot of it maybe has been harassment. But I find him attractive and at times I've responded in ways I really shouldn't (over flirty texts etc). So I do feel really really guilty because I don't know where his bad behaviour ends and mine starts - I'm certainly not an innocent victim.

But I do feel he's somehow worn my defences down and my sense of boundaries without me realising it - that sounds pathetic I know and I need to take responsibility for my own lack of self discipline. I am just so so confused. When I first met him he seemed like a totally charming bloke who doted on his family and I felt safe with him. I have no idea how things became so dysfunctional. He knows things about me that could harm me work wise which is another reason I feel so paralysed. I'm an idiot. Pure and simple.

I have kind of given DH a sanitised version. Although I didn't admit being attracted to the man in question. Nor did I say just how sexual the texts he sent me have been.

What i don't understand is that I feel really sad at the idea of cutting off from this tosser and jealous of him giving others his attention. I'm so fucked up by it all, I've lost all sense of pride I think.

You really have to park the guilt, ditch the sadness and start getting angry if you're going to get past this. You're not 'fucked up'... this is how emotional abusers operate. Bullying. Getting their jollies from making others feel bad about themselves.

Right now all you've done is flirt a little and, assuming he hasn't kept the texts, he has no way of proving how much it's been going or how sexual the language got. There's a saying that 'the best form of defence is attack' and I think that's the approach you have to take. Keep all communications with him strictly professional from now on and the minute he sends something else sexual, show your DH, be horrified & take it straight to a higher authority. If he tries to blackmail you with this 'knowledge' you can then dismiss it as spiteful lies. However, as he has a wife and DC, I think he'll want to brush the whole thing quickly under the carpet.

And then for goodness' sake, get with your DH and do whatever it takes to inject some fun and interest in your family life.

this has obviously gone way too far to make you this unhappy, and his meanness is just plain ... mean.

What Cogito says. Keep it professional from now on.

I'm sorry to say that because it's gone this far, you may have to prepare yourself for loosing the work you've put in on this campaign. Hopefully not, but it is possible, specially if he has a mean streak. You may need to accept that is a possibility and then, if the worst comes to teh worst, accept it. Because if he's that mean, he may well stop offering the carrot of the work togehter that's good for your career anyway. You may end up having to loose out there (btw did he offer you this extra work together just cause of how close you are? becuase if you back off, ... well, so may he. Specially if he knows you really want the opportunity.)

Or would you be prepared to be pressured into a real affair? That is, perhaps, a possible path this might go down.

Im not saying it will go -this- far, but it isnt impossible: you will have to choose between your work and this rather mean man and an affair, or your husband.

He's cruel at work ... he is trying to emotionally manipulate you so as to cause a rift in a marriage ... is demanding dedication from you, despite the fact that he barely knows you, but is flaunting the fact that he's putting it about ...

Sounds like a psychopath. And I don't say that lightly. Run for your life.