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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

lack of sex and fed up he's never made me orgasm

81 replies

namehopping · 09/10/2013 14:45

Im a long time poster. New name change for this.

Im going to be sketchy with details as I know DP occasionally looks at MN.

Im in my mid 20s ahem maybe a little older DP is a few years older.

We have some children, young (pre school age)

Been togther less than a decade and not married.

Im fed the fuck up with the shit shit sex.

He has NEVER given me an orgasm. Every time we have sex its the same script as it were, however I may try to change things etc it always ends up with the same finale.
its like fucking a virgin every time, Ive tried telling him what turns me on - what feels good, Ive moved his hands, fingers etc ive bloody shown him what works but he has the attention span of a nano second and as soon as I make one moan of pleasure he stops what hes doing(talking about foreplay) and tries to ram his member in me.

I had a 3rd degree tear - i dont particullarly like being shagged this way, it hurts, it pulls, if im not turned on or we dont use lube i feel bruised and sore afterwards - and some times genuinely like im being ripped. hes clumsy with me and fumbles around blindly.

He greatly receives oral sex often, 2/3 times a week but hardly ever returns the "pleasure" maybe once every 2 months? even then he bassically just acts like hes licking ice cream from the bottle of a bowl and stops after about 30 seconds and then moves onto penetration. Theres no rythym no passion hes just rough and uncoordinated.

Ive stopped being tollerent, ive stopped caring, ive started to get angry and bitter towards him and i resent his pleasure. Which has resulted in me bassically causing an argument during sex (which i initiate) and me sleeping else where and there being no happy ending for either of us.

Tell me oh wise ones. What do i do?

Apart from sex we get on fantastically, we laugh we have fun hes a fab dad & works hard and I love him very much but at the moment Id rather not bother having sex, then im accutely aware then we are just like two friends living together.

Im not prepared to be celebate. HELP

OP posts:
Original poster
namehopping · 10/10/2013 09:50

My god offred the similarity is scary. I had PND / depression and I'm on medication. If I talk to him about it he comes out with the most worrying crap about "do you even know why I don't go to work by train any more?"

"I'm scared one day I will jump in front of it"

He is an emotional manipulation master. I've told him that. He also does this really annoying dismissive face at me - so if I'm trying to chat with him about stuff and time and time again it doesn't sink in or I get no response I usually loose it - an shout at him. Then he does the face at me. Like "hah you've lost your cool"

He never ever ever shouts.

OP posts:
mumtosome61 · 10/10/2013 09:56

That is emotional manipulation on a grand, grand scale - and this is coming from a woman who suffers from BPD, so I know manipulation when I see it - and that is really shitty stuff to say to someone that a) has depression (you) and b) well, it's just shitty.

Ultimately, I think this extends more to just the sex issue.

Offred · 10/10/2013 10:03

Yes, my x is unconfident and inexperienced but I stopped feeling sorry for and accommodating his opting out when realised that he often was punishing me for being confident and experienced in small passive aggressive ways.

Original poster
namehopping · 10/10/2013 10:04

"Yes, my x is unconfident and inexperienced but I stopped feeling sorry for and accommodating his opting out when realised that he often was punishing me for being confident and experienced in small passive aggressive ways."

THIS!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
namehopping · 10/10/2013 10:05

help me write this letter, it needs to be objective and not ranty... he likes ranty, well... me ranting

OP posts:
Offred · 10/10/2013 10:05

And he's not a bad guy. In some ways he is a but he's not a nasty bastard. Just self absorbed.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2013 10:07

Is the letter for your benefit or his? Are you writing it as a form of self-expression or do you still think you can influence his behaviour?

Original poster
namehopping · 10/10/2013 10:10

the letter is so he can have come thing to read, thats written rationally - about my feelings, rather than me get really fustrated and angry and scream at him

OP posts:
Offred · 10/10/2013 10:10

I might send him the nice guy video. this blogpost and this article by Anne koedt but if he is like mine he might make some noises like he understands and then not change anything.

Offred · 10/10/2013 10:11

These things will for part of my sex education for the dc... Grin

Hullygully · 10/10/2013 10:13

He is a nightmare.

Whatever the causes/reasons.

He won't change

Original poster
namehopping · 10/10/2013 10:26

oh Offred "The Nice Guy usually has some glaringly big issues in his life that he isn't dealing with-- things that make him unhappy, but rather than address them, he is convinced that if only he could be with someone, everything would magically get better. (Yeah, guess what, it doesn't. You still need to get a job/move into a better place/go back to school/get therapy/clean your toejam/tell your parents to piss off/whatever it is.) For a Nice Guy, all the responsibility for his happiness lies with his future partner. And he will put the burden on her, as well as guilting the hell out of her if she gets fed up with mommying him."

OP posts:
ThisIsMeToo · 10/10/2013 10:26

I was reading to say that I am/have been in the same boat re sex life and no orgasm.

That is until I read your last posts re how manipulative he is. So I am not sure that will relevant to you.

What I did was:
1- try and show him what I liked (I know you already have)
2- take my own pleasure before he has time to get his (ie me on top so I am in control and I can keep going until I get my own orgasm)
3- give him an erotica book with the clear message that this is what I am after (I choose it very very carefully...) so that he had the description of oral sex, touching a woman etc.. plus (and more importantly) the fact that the pleasure of the woman comes first and takes time time (ie lots of foreplay).

However, if he is that manipulative, I do wonder if he actually wants to listen to you. If you are writing a letter and he doesn't change, at least you know it's because he doesn't want to listen, not because of your communication skills.
Something that could work is to explain what your feelings are and what you would like to have without ever going into 'telling him off' mode (but you never do that type of thing).

Thisisaeuphemism · 10/10/2013 10:33

The more you talk about him, the worse he sounds. Really.
IF you still think there is a chance he will listen, I would say something like this (based on your op):

"I have never had an orgasm with you. I would really love to.

Every time we have sex its the same script. However I try to change things etc it always ends up with the same finale. This makes me sad and bored.

I'd like to show you what turns me on - and I would like you to take it seriously.

I had a 3rd degree tear and I dont like being rammed when I'm not ready. It hurts, it pulls, if im not turned on or we dont use lube i feel bruised and sore afterwards - and some times genuinely like im being ripped.

You are my partner and I love you. But I'm serious about this. I'm considering walking away if we can't find a way to deal with this problem. And it is a massive problem. I can feel myself falling out of love with you and I'm not going to put up with this anymore."

Hullygully · 10/10/2013 10:42

If he was brought up in a religious emotionally repressed household, has he internalised that sex is dirty and women shouldn't want pleasure?

Or has he watched lots of porn where the man does the ramming and the woman does the bjs and gratitude?

He doesn't WANT to hear you. I don't know if you'll be able to figure out why. I very much doubt you'll get him to change.

MyPantsAreGreen · 10/10/2013 10:44

One thing in the OP resonated with me. When you say at work he is 'epic' and high powered that is true of my DH. However at home in many ways he can be a bit stupid sometimes and that is true also of the crap sex I have to endure. Again like you I have showed him stuff I like explained and directed but it's like he doesn't retain the information and then blames me repeatedly for lack of guidance. I have given up myself. I think with some of these career types 110% of them goes into work there is little energy left for anything else. I certainly wish I could see the masterful professional work side of my DH at home and in bed!

Thisisaeuphemism · 10/10/2013 11:00

I don't see it like that, Pants. He might be the highest in the workplace or the lowest but he's making a choice to not give a shit about his wife.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/10/2013 11:25

namehopping

He's clever this man, he has you well dancing to his tune. He cares only about himself.

Your legal position too is poor. You are seen in law as two separate individuals. I would hate to think what would happen to you if he died suddenly; you would likely be dependent on the goodwill of his family.

Getting back to him this type of manipulator does not give a toss about you really and perhaps even hates all women.

What do you get out of this relationship?. What needs of yours are being met here?. You mention he's a fab dad but that is not your emotional need (besides which he is not if he is prepared to treat you like this). Women also often write such comments when they have nothing else positive to write about their man.

Why have you settled for so little?.

MumsAlterEgo · 10/10/2013 12:23

The key question here is does he know how much you dislike it? Because if he simply doesn't understand the problem needs fixing, after all your relationship seems otherwise solid. If he just doesn't care that is a much bigger issue.

  1. Stop giving him oral sex! If he brings it up clearly say he never returns the favour and he has years of catching up to do before you will even consider doing it for him again.
  2. NEVER, EVER, EVER have sex that is hurting you. If it is you tell him it hurts and do something different and if he doesn't you cut the session short so he gets the idea. I am serious, it is not acceptable at all for him do do something that hurts you!
  3. If he doesn't get it is bothering you so much or what is not working wait until the kids are in bed and sit and calmly talk through it. Tell him you love him but the sex is not working for you and you both need to work together to fix it. Don't expect him to learn what you like just during sex, he will be too distracted then. Suggest things you do and don't like, suggest sex games, suggest anything you want.
  4. If he is trying his best then keep working on it but if he goes back to old habits throw him off you mid sex and tell him it's not working. If you have to buy some sex toys and do it yourself in front of him until he gets the idea.
LongDarkTeatime · 10/10/2013 13:12

I wonder if the all these problems don't come from a place being manipulative but rather these men are running from something they're afraid of i.e. being emotionally stinted they can't face being emotionally close. So bad sex isn't the root cause its just a symptom.

If he's afraid I'd be careful of being blaming in your letter as it may make him defensive & clam up/lash out. Can you write something that describes the problem and then be curious about why its happening ... to try and get him to open up and talk?

Original poster
namehopping · 10/10/2013 14:38

Do you think maybe its just he doesn't turn me on any more?

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 10/10/2013 14:50

You said that he has always been crap in bed- I think maybe you can't tolerate his lack of effort anymore.

LongDarkTeatime · 10/10/2013 14:52

Wouldn't be surprising with how he's been acting. But might you fancy him again if he changed?

Original poster
namehopping · 10/10/2013 16:49

Should think that is it. My tolerance, before children I wasn't as time limited / tired / pulled 5 different ways

Now my tollerence for all sorts of bull shit have dropped. I cba with it - I've told him btw, about how fucked off I am

OP posts:
BinarySolo · 10/10/2013 16:59

If he cares about you he should want to get this right, even if he's initially hurt and defensive about it.