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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can I ask a question please?

9 replies

JellyNump · 29/06/2006 22:34

This happened a while back but I didn't know about Mumsnet back then so...
When we were married for just a few months Dh was friendly with 2 people he worked with, (too friendly I thought). His mate 'Kevin' lived round the corner and used to be every 5 mins or Dh would be there and a girl called'Carrie'. He would spend hours on his laptop talking to Kev and Carrie until very late/early morning and it made me very uncomfortable. One day dh says he's going to go to The Mall shopping with Kev (think it was near Christmas time) before he went he said that because Carrie was leaving the section had ordered a bouquet and it was supposed to be yellow roses, however when they turned up one of them, in the centre was red (so she said, he didnt see them) and her Mum went off at her for getting involved with a married man!??! Now how did her Mum know they were from Dh if they were from a whole work section??? I thought this was odd that he told me, cos otherwise I'd never have known. Later when he was out I was using his laptop and found conversations he'd had with Kev and some other bloke he worked with about Carrie, that I found inappropriate. The one with Kev was along the lines of her leaving and 'out of sight, out of mind' and that it should make things easier and th one with the other bloke was sort of the same thing but the work mate said 'I thought you were married' and Dh said 'I am, which is why its so difficult'. I confronted Dh and went BALLISTIC, to put it mildly, he claimed it was just 'normal male banter'. On another occasion I found another conversation with the line from Kev 'you should have seen your face when you saw the trousers she was wearing, Mr Teepee'. Again I went absolutely mad (and actually forwarded the conversation to Kev and to Carrie asking for an explanation) and again he denied anything, saying I was paranoid of 'male banter'. He also said that if he ever did anything to hurt me, Kev thought a lot of me and would break his legs, so why would Kev think it was appropriate to have these conversations with him??? What do you think? They have now 'disappeared' and aren't mentioned, I think Carrie still goes when Dh goes to play pool and it still makes me uncomfortable to think of it, I have asked him not to see her again and he has refused. What do I do?

OP posts:
JellyNump · 29/06/2006 23:06

PLease any opinions? Is this normal male banter !?!?!?!?!?!?

OP posts:
spacedonkey · 29/06/2006 23:11

I don't know what normal male banter is tbh, but I would've felt just the same as you about this, especially as you had only been married for a few months!

How long ago was this?

JellyNump · 29/06/2006 23:18

December 2004, we got married 29th May, I was pregnant with ds at the time too, ironically I just found the response I got back from Carrie. To me it seems suspicious and I think there may have been more to it than anyone admitted, which is why I'm still uncomfortable about him playing pool

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spacedonkey · 30/06/2006 09:45

I think your feelings and reaction to this are totally understandable JN. From what you've said it sounds like there was at least a major flirtation going on, even if it never went any further. The worrying thing is his refusal to talk about it with you - perhaps he feels angry that you looked at his MSN conversations?

Tortington · 30/06/2006 09:50

sounds like you need to talk about a male friend a lot. see how he likes it

wannaBe1974 · 30/06/2006 16:48

It would bother me, but the "yes I'm married and that's why it's so hard", would lead me more to think that he didn't want to have feelings for this girl because he was married to you iyswim?

It does sound to me as if he had feelings for her, I guess only he knows whether or not he acted on them, considering this was years ago, do you really want to know? What would you do if you found out anything had happened? He may have been faithful to you since then, be careful, you may find out things you don't want to.

fattiemumma · 30/06/2006 18:04

i agree with wannabe

i think from the snippets you have given he has had a bit of a crush on her but hasn't acted on it. i know its still hurtfull that your Dh could have such thoughts about another woman but i guess its human nature.

i wouldnt be happy with him refusing not to see her. she no longer works with him and so i see no real reason for them to socialise now. i would try spekaing to him again...or go with him to play pool and see what reaction you get.

Dior · 30/06/2006 18:25

Message withdrawn

JellyNump · 30/06/2006 19:58

He has always said nothing happened, but when I tried to talk he got very defensive, angry and sulky which made me even more suspicious, if he had nothing to hide, he should have been more open. It was that and the fact he used to talk to her on MSN until 2 or 3am and be secretive about it eg: turning the screnn off if he lift the room or turning the laptop to face the other way etc.

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