Ex and OW expecting a baby - I feel sick

[Twinkleandbunty]

I've just found out that my ex and OW (who he had an emotional/physical affair with during my pregnancy) are expecting a baby.

I'm so angry as he barely sees his baby he has with me and chucked me (to be with her essentially) when I told him I was pregnant.

Our baby is only 11 months old and we live some distance away from him (financial reasons).

I'm angry with him as he's not had the balls to tell me himself, I'm angry with her because she has always resented our baby and the time ex spends with him,
and I'm angry with myself as I can't let this go. It's eating into my life.

I resent them both so much. I have not had one minutes peace since my baby was born because of their selfishness and them doing as suits them with everyone else (eg her child, her husband and me) just being expected to fall into line and suck it up.

I hate my ex for refusing to use condoms and her for pushing a step sibling into my child's life when he already gets to see so little of his father.
Now that time will be 'diluted' further - not just by her presence and her child's, but with this new baby.

Sorry for the rant. I feel sick.
I've had lots of therapy and am on ADs for depression and anxiety but just as I think I'm moving forward, they do something else to knock me down again.

I feel so sad for my baby - that he won't feel special to my ex. But I realise I could be projecting here as my situation was similar growing up. I could never get over the hurt of my father wanting to live with someone else and her children.

Please advise, I don't know what to do. I probably need more therapy but can't afford it.

I am sorry you are going through this. It must be so painful for you.

I don't have any good advice, just that what you need to hold onto is that you, and your son are better without a man who won't put you first.

You will get through this.

I can imagine it feels like quite a kick in the guts.

I can only speak as a lone parent. My dd1s dad left when I told him I was expecting. No contact at all for over 4 years.

Here's what I did... Sort out CSA then be the absolute best mummy I could be, create a great network if good friends, act aloof with the dad. As far as im concerned he is surplus to requirements. Not having their dad around is mostly irrelevant to a young child. Build in other good male role models if you know any- my dd had my dad and her friends dads. Now she is 10 and he's not a big part of her life. She could take him or leave him tbh. She's happy in the world I have created with her ( if you ignore teen hormone irrationality)

In short, don't focus on what he isn't doing, just focus on you and your gorgeous baby. Look after your mental health - toys groups etc are a useful way if making friends and I found ( also spent time on ads) it helped keep things in perspective.

Let it be his loss. Honestly. ( though vent if you need to, just don't let it consume you! X )

Don't know what to suggest but couldn't read and run. Ex would have been a rubbish role model to DS that much I can say. Sorry you're hurting.

Resentment is a horrible way to live. But I think your resentment and possibly your depression is stemming from feeling out of control. This is your life, your baby, your little family and I think, in order to feel more in control, you'll have to work hard to change things around so that you are no longer 'falling into line and sucking it up'. Say 'no' more often and don't be so compliant.

It's unlikely that your ex and his girlfriend are doing things purely to spite you or your baby but, even if they are, you don't have to react the same way. It's very unlikely that your DS will suffer from having no relationship with his DF but I know, right now, you feel like he's runner up in some kind of beauty contest.. Not fair but not something you can change. Is the 'falling into line' driven by trying to keep DS in front of his Dad? If so, take a step back.

What do you have in your own life to look forward to and makes you feel worthwhile? What keeps you occupied? Do you have a good group of friends that you can talk to? How can you absorb yourself in a positive life of your own and reduce the amount of time you're thinking about your ex's life?

Well more fool her having a baby with somebody who has form for screwing over the mother of his child. I would sleep soundly knowing her just deserts is probably not too far around the corner

Exactly, Mosman

Their wonderful, shiny 'romance' is about to be shat all over by a screaming, pooping, sex-reducing baby.

Your ex is about to understand what you've had to cope with alone, and that the grass isn't any greener.

I really sympathise op

I think you're going to have to prepare yourself for him withdrawing even further from your child's life, sorry

Thank you all for your replies.
bluecarrot It's good that your daughter has adjusted so well and it gives me hope that my baby will too.
Both you and Cogito are right in that I shouldn't focus on them and what they're doing. My therapist said the same thing. I'm looking for work and keeping busy (as one always is as a single parent anyway!) and I do have supportive friends so I'm lucky there.

I suppose it's just that whilst I am trying to detach, they go and do something else that is going to affect my son and in turn, me, because he never uses condoms and he obviously has not considered the knock-on effect of having another child so quickly after our baby.

I have tried so hard to be civil, to retain contact for my son's sake (I'd like to tell him to piss off with his new family if I'm honest, and now, for the first time I'm really thinking about it - especially if he's going to sod my DS around)

Ex has not told me of OWs pregnancy yet, just got all dramatic and said "you don't have any idea of the stress I'm under but I can't talk to you about it"

Mosman and Cosy I hope you're right.

None of this is going to affect your son. He's your baby, he's #1 in your life and he'll thrive with the love and affection you, your family and your friends give him. He's not old enough to have known life with 'Dad' and what he's never had, he won't miss. He'll probably never know this new baby either so it'll have zero impact on his life (unless you're thinking about financial support... and even that is not going to register with a child for a long, long time). Be civil to your ex the way you would be with anyone else but don't demean yourself or put yourself out in order to force a relationship with your DS that he doesn't want. It really will be his loss...

Don't put the effort IN to keeping rrelations with your ex. Let him do the running. For now, as hard as it may be, keep a wide berth. Less physical contact... More mental space for you to free up your mental energy and concentrate on what matters... Which is YOU and your baby