How do I sort this out?

[AmIGoingMad]

My DM looks after my son twice a week.
When he was smaller he would often come home and I knew he'd pooed as his bum hadn't been properly cleaned. I mentioned it a few times but it continued. I then made exaggerated and loud show of cleaning his bum really well when I was changing it in front of DM.
Now he's toilet training and I've come home- he just went for a wee and there was poo on potty- checked his bum and its filthy!

I love DM dearly but we've had a complicated relationship. I want to sort this without her getting the hump for me being 'ungrateful'.

Any ideas on how to sort it out?

Do you think she's struggling in some way? Squeamish? Can't bend down to reach? Eyesight problems? I don't think you can hedge this one really.

Perhaps he isn't letting her do it properly and is wiggling too much for her.

Perhaps she finds it awkward ie sipping a boys bottom - some parents can do their own child's bottom but not another child's even though it is her grandson.

I don't think you can do anything here realistically without upsetting her.

Not sipping but wiping

Give her wipes and just explain that his bottom gets sore if it's not cleaned properly, and that you have found the wipes are really helpful in this.

His bum will get sore if it's not kept clean....surely she wouldn't want that?

For this to be sorted out you will need her co-operation; this does not seem forthcoming from her at all.

What was your relationship like with her when growing up?.

She is clearly not looking after your son properly. TBH I would wonder if your mother is actually the right person to be looking after your son at all given both your complicated relationship with her and her propensity of her having the hump with you for being so called "ungrateful".

Not all grandparents are kind and loving.

In addition to all the above - did your DM have any sons? If not, she may need a specific lesson in how to deal with a boys bits - it's very different from cleaning up a girl!

Thanks for your responses!

Eyesight and reaching down aren't issues.

No she hasn't had sons- two daughters. That's worrying me too at the moment as I now also have baby dd and in my opinion, cleaning up a boy is so much easier than cleaning a girl.

I think I am going to have to go down the route of demonstrating and specifically telling her again but I'm not sure of how to word it.

It's a funny relationship really. Loving yes but at times a bit of confusion of roles between us as the gap between myself and sister has meant I often had a somewhat parental role at times. I don't think it's intentional but consideration of others and their needs can be secondary at times. God I feel awful typing that .

We had to do this with my DM. Just bit the bullet and said 'Y'know last night when I was putting DS in the bath, his bum hadn't been cleaned properly. He hadn't been to the toilet since yours, so could you make sure you're wiping him up properly because it makes him sore...We have to double check after we've wiped him because it get's everywhere!'...'Sooo what are you up to later?'....

If it happens again after that then a more serious chat needed?

Thanks! I like that- straight, to the point and 'breezy' at the same time- impressive!

I'm going to learn it by heart and use it next time it happens!

Thank you