Five months pregnant and husband walks out without warning

[Lonestar01]

I know this will sound incredible to most, but I honestly believed I was happily married - that is until two weeks ago when my husband walked out and left me five months pregnant.

I miscarried last year, and this baby was much longed-for, so it wasn't a shock to discover I was pregnant.

Two weeks ago, I came home expecting to spend an evening in with my "loving" husband, but I found my parents waiting there with him. In just ten minutes he told me the marriage was over, he wasn't happy, hadn't been for some time, and had moved out his stuff while I was at work. He had my parents there to pick up the pieces.

My head's still reeling. We've had some communication since but he's still adamant it's over and there's absolutely nothing that I can do - he will not come back as nothing will change. I've now had to cut off all contact as it seemed to be making him feel better and me worse.

I suspect there may be someone else involved but he denies it and I have no proof. It would almost be easier if there was - instead he says 'we're not compatible, we're different people etc' - we've only been married just under two years and I know I haven't changed.

We'd been bickering but not arguing, and I guess I'd been a bit grumpy but I put it down to the hormones. I've been anxious this whole pregnancy because of the miscarriage - I found out at the 12 week scan last time that I'd miscarried at 9 weeks. It was a horrible shock and hit us both hard.

The worst thing is that there's nothing I can do about it - he won't let us work on things - he's presented it as a fait accompli. My family have been wonderful but it's tearing them apart seeing how upset I am so I don't want to show them how much it's hurting. My friends have been great but I know they're all talking about it/me and it makes me feel even more of a fool.

I know I have to be strong for the baby but it's so hard. I feel I'm in mourning for the life I had planned for - we'd just bought a new house (literally moved in a month ago) and I'm going to have to sell - but I don't know how I'll survive on maternity pay and his measly child allowance.

Would love to hear advice from anyone who has gone through anything similar. I know I'll be ok eventually (anyone who can do this isn't worth wasting tears over), but I feel like our marriage has been a lie - I obviously never knew him if he is capable of this. I just so wish it hadn't happened and want to fast forward to when I'm feeling stronger!

So sorry you are going through this, it's absolutely terrible. I'd put money on there being OW on the scene, perhaps he's infatuated, who knows. Fact is, your marriage is over, of course you are in mourning, in fact, you'll be all over the place re emotions.

Nobody is going to think you a fool, he's the fool, not you. Now is the time where your family and real friends come into play and take their support as often as you need it, they'd want you to have it.

This is nothing to do with your hormones and feeling grumpy, it was never meant to be I'm afraid, he was only half in the relationship with a leg out the door. You will recover from this but it will take a while, take care of yourself and let others help you.

I would bet your new mortgage on there being someone else. Sorry

What an utterly shit thing to do to you. He is a despicable worm

Try to get some advice about what you're entitled to financially - from him and from benefits. I know that sounds callous but I'm sure that if you feel more in control on practical things, then you can face the emotional fallout better

Jan is right. You will recover. I know you don't believe that now but you will. Promise

You poor wman. Your post made me heartsore

I'm sorry but I agree with the others I think there's likely to be someone else. His behaviour is truly appalling.
I also second getting some advice about practical matters, financial entitlement, contact once the baby is born etc. it always helps in my experience to understand and be in control of those things you can be.
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Are your family supportive? Get all the real life support you can x

I'm sorry this has happened to you and, sadly, I know what it feels like to get this kind of bolt from the blue. Horribly cruel at the best of times but the amount of planning he's shown... getting your parents round and clearing out his stuff... is something else. It really is. His explanations sound like the usual vague rubbish so try not to torment yourself unpicking his motivation. Your marriage wasn't a lie... but he certainly wasn't the person you thought.

I'm glad you have good family support because that's really all you can do now. Look after yourself, let others look after you and, when you're ready, get good legal advice.

BTW... didn't your parents want to twat him with a shovel?

Awww Lonestar I am so sorry. What an absolute bastard. Please get legal advice as soon as possible. Look after yourself, you and your baby xx

im so sorry.

I would just assume there is an OW too, as whether he admits it or not, or whether hes consumated it or not, there is ALWAYS always always a catalyst,

What a horrible shock for you OP. This has sadly happened to far too many women I am close to. You sound like a lovely, caring woman, even worrying about your parent's feelings at a time like this. Don't bottle too much up.

Please make an appointment with your midwife to let her know what has happened. She should be able to help you with some practical things. She should be able to refer you for counselling, if that's what you want (you may find this useful of you don't want to burden your parents with your feelings). She should also be able to help you access financial help, now and after the baby arrives. She should be able to advise you on benefits and grants available to you.

Please make sure you eat and drink plenty. It's important that you take care of yourself and your baby, even if you don't much feel like taking care of yourself x

And second the advice to find yourself a good solicitor. Most offer a free initial consultation. Pick 2 or 3 and make the use of this free time - select the one you feel most comfortable with. You could end up spending a lot of time with this person, so it's really important you find someone you can build trust and rapport with.

So sorry you are going through this.
My advice would be not to rush into selling house or agreeing to whatever he suggests. Sit tight until you have seen a solicitor and know exactly what is what.
Also, and I know this will be really hard, please try not to focus on him and the why, why , why of it all. All the, maybe it was cos I did this or that happened. I promise you it is all a total waste of time and energy. If you have to think about it, try to focus on you and your feelings and your plans for your future with your baby.
When your baby arrives it will all be a lot clearer to you. You need to be really selfish and do whatever is best for you and the baby now.
Wishing you well.

I'm so sorry. Don't worry about upsetting your family, I'm sure they would rather listen to you than think of you dealing with this alone. If your friends are genuine friends they won't be gossiping but really worried for you.
I'm not an expert but surely you don't need to do anything with the house yet? ? The least he can do is let you live there and wait for you to be totally settled into motherhood before any move is discussed.
Please look after yourself and please lean on your family at this time- u need them xx

I agree totally with ursula. Don't waste your time worrying/thinking/guessing about his feelings, his thoughts, his reasons for doing it. Focus totally on you and your future...it's hard but so important and really helps you begin to move forwards xx

lonestar so sorry that you are going through this and especially while pregnant. My Xh did exactly the same thing to me, announced one evening that he no longer loved me, hadn't for some time and no longer wanted to live here. I later discovered that he was texting OW all day every day...... He did come back but just messed me around for 6 weeks and went again, adamant that nothing would change...

To be totally blindsided in such a way is devastating and such a massive shock to deal with. It is heartbreaking. It completely broke me. I begged him to come back, as I was convinced that he was having some sort of breakdown. Don't do that, don't demean yourself.

Have as little communication with him as possible. Don't worry about the future for the moment, take each day as it comes, one step at a time.

Get yourself some good legal advice so that you can find out what you are entitled to etc and if you are worried about money, look into tax credits etc that you may be able to get now or when the baby comes. Ring the Council Tax office and get your 25% discount for sole occupancy. Deal with these things as and when you can.

Put yourself first, look after yourself and get as much support from friends and family as you can.

So sorry Lone . Similar happened to me when my partner of 4 years left me 4 months into a planned pregnancy. I understand your embarrassment but believe me when I say he's the one who should be embarrassed. What a compete and utter conniving bastard, getting your parents there so he can do his dirty work. The little shit.

I'm another who's betting that, sadly, there's probably someone else (my ex left me for the OW, too). However, as pp's have said, you need to focus on you and your baby now, not him and his ego. Being a single parent will be better than being with him, believe me. I'm nearly 8 years down the line now, still a single parent, and it's fine, really .

Sweetheart I am so sorry that you are going through this. Sadly I am another one who thinks that there is probably an OW. I would bet my life savings on it. In no way are you a fool, there's only one fool in this situation and that is your rotten faithless H. You may well find that your H follows a cheater's 'script' that is well documented amongst the pages of MN. Stick with MN and you will get amazing advice from some amazing wise and experienced posters.

Look after yourself and your pregnancy and ignore the idiot. As these other wise ladies have said, you need to get to a solicitor ASAP, get together as much financial info as you can find beforehand. Don't worry about your family, all they will want to do now is support you, and I'm sure they know how upset you are anyway. How could you not be devastated at being treated so callously?

You will get through this, my dear. Impossible though it may seem now, you will be happy again one day.

And congratulations on your pregnancy, by the way.

I am so sorry to hear this and glad your parents are there for you. Sounds like you've done the right thing cutting direct contact. He will be feeling good about himself and whatever lies behind this you just need to focus on you right now. As far as true friends go they will support you, any who delight in speculating or show less than concern will fall by the wayside so don't isolate yourself or keep his exit under wraps.

You need proper legal advice and steel yourself for any revelations but above all keep going. Don't look back, live in the present and stay healthy for yourself and baby.

Lone really sorry to hear your story.

Similar happened to me last year. I came home from work today to find my husband had moved out - taken all of his belongings (and more) and disappeared.

At the time I was also completely blindsided, and was left to come home and see that he'd gone. He never said a word to me about being unhappy, though he had been grumpy for a few weeks.

Five days after he'd left I found out I was pregnant.

The upshot is there was another woman in my story (he denied it at first of course).

I have had 'our' baby, my husband has not seen him nor wants to have anything to do with him. I'm divorcing him.

The first few weeks were really hard. I know how you feel. I still face a battle to keep my house, and looking after a baby on your own is really hard.

Keep family and friends around yourself at this time. Focus on you and your pregnancy. It's not easy, but if he can treat you like that, you're better off without.

I came home from work one day not today,.......

I am so sorry. What a nasty piece of work your husband sounds. I agree with the others - there probably is an OW. Think of yourself and the baby now - he's not worth a moment of sympathy or compassion, he's an utter, first-class, abhorrent shit. Loads of good advice from other posters re seeing solicitor etc.

OP I am so sorry, the same happened to me, he left when I was 5 months pregnant with the first - there was no other woman at that point, he just wasn't cut out for responsibility. Please, please, please don't give him another chance - I did to my cost, 3 babies in less than 3 years because he promised he was different and had changed. He left again when I was 5 months pregnant with the 3rd.

He has never been a hands on dad although I never stopped him seeing them on a Sunday - his parents took over within a couple of years to enable him to do what he wanted.

At this point the kids are all in their 20's and haven't received birthday cards or christmas cards for the last couple of years, they know how much of an arsehole he is from their own experience.

Get the house and money sorted out and concentrate on your baby and ignore anyone who thinks you should give him the time of day! It will work out - one day at a time or as my mum used to say when I had a particularly bad day with them when they were little 'tomorrow is another day'.

Thanks so much everyone for the messages. Your advice is helping me see a clearer way forward - think I'm just going to have to take it a day at a time and stop thinking about what might have been.

Once I've sorted the financials I'll feel in a much safer position and once I know where I stand legally.

Thanks again!xx

Unbelievable. If his name is on the mortgage he should help you pay it for a few months. Why the fuck did he let you buy a house only to have to sell it. Where is he now and what do his parents think? So glad your parents are supportive.

Lonestar, you are doing brilliantly.

Do you have any joint accounts? If so you can put a block on them so that he can't clean out your joint money. Downside is that you can't touch it either, but you can protect it until you can both agree to split any assets.

Get any product warrantees transferred to your name if you can. My mother's fridge broke down a couple of weeks after my dad walked out. All the policies and warrantees were in his name. She had a right job sorting it all out.