Separating and so worried about losing time with kids

[Beansontoasragain]

Please could someone help/give me a slap?!

The background is that we have decided to separate but are still in the same house while sorting out access/finances.

STBXH has worked full time and spent quite a bit of time working away (days or weeks at a time). He has in some ways been hands on (in practical terms - baths etc) but has never played with them much, never interested in doing stuff they wanted if he had them for the day, has been v critical of them and inclined to lecture them (be pompous!).

Since the marriage hit the rocks he shows masses of interest in EVERYTHING they do. Wants to spend every minute with them etc etc. There is a slightly desperate edge to it - he looks and sounds uncomfortable with it but they don't appear to notice.

Ok i know this is good - they are getting loads of attention and an interested Dad. They never gave two hoots whether he was here or not and in turn he appeared not to notice or care that they constantly pushed him away in the past.

Now he's obviously decided that this needs to change and is going all out to improve the situation. I just feel pushed out - I have been here for all these years pouring my heart and soul into bringing up the kids and now I think I'm going to end up not seeing them for nearly half the week (he wants 50:50 split of time despite working full time at top of his career).

I do realise that this is just a big pity fest but I have invested so much into looking after the dcs (9 & 6) that I have no life of my own.

The pain of realising that I won't see them for x number of days a week is almost unbearable. I have chronically low self-esteem and can't help but think that with his all-singing all-dancing approach that they will end up wanting to live with him not me.

Sorry this is such a long moan but I am in a really bad place at the moment. H has told me I have been depressed long term (not true) and that is why relationship has not worked, absolutely blames me for the breakdown of our marriage, has been telling friends untrue things behind my back. I have just had enough.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom?
Thank you

go to gp and ask for referral to a counsellor - going thru sepration is streessful and being able to talk to neutral person will help. some gp can refer to specialist separation service. also CBT can do good for self esteem. or a divorced and seprated group workshop.

be pleased for dc that h is showing interest [and be ready to support dc when/if this wanes later on....)

see it as an oportunity to do things for yourself.
use time away from dc to build a career/voluntary work/join a gym/go walking/do more on PTA for school etctc .

turn negative into a positive. you maybe will now have some time to invest in yourself. which is good - because dc were going to grow up at some point so the fact you forced into it now is not a bad thing...

insist to yourself, DC and him that maximum share will be fifty fifty.

when they older eg 13 then yes they could decide but right now it's fifty fifty maximum.

ignore what he saying. you dont need to defend yourself. you know the truth.

Thank you Cestlavie - I know I shouldn't have to defend myself but he is telling half a story to mutual friends to gain sympathy and I feel embarrassed that they think badly of me.

I have a counsellor and he is good but I am so dragged down by the process of separating and the fact that XH is happily going about his business building a new life with and without dcs while I flounder around feeling humdrum and sad.

I have a good relationship with my dcs but I now feel that I am (unhealthily) dependent on them for my happiness.

How on earth do people survive? There has been so much trauma over the last year (self harm, threats of suicide and then suddenly all fine, com

Oops pressed send by mistake!

...all fine, completely bounced back furiously angry with me for everything that has gone wrong and full of blame. I feel bruised by the whole process.

was the self harm threats on your ex's side? if so then yeh seen that with exp, also the bouncing back, full of self and anger directed at me!

(if was you in dark place then important thing is to get help and support.... )

you just have to ride it out.... you can never win. #you will survive. one day at a time... think about you in all of this.

Hi Cestlavie
Yes the self harm was him not me. Just the once (in front of me). He threatened to commit suicide if we split up. He has had help from a couple of mh professionals and I think he now thinks he is abs fine. He presents as Mr Confident but this is only the case when he is in control, I can see the cracks when any situation is out of his control. Though the cracks are anger not despair.

Can I ask how things turned out for you? Do you have dc? How did they cope with the split? Do they see you as the bad guy?

Beansontoasragain Hugs to you. The thing that jumps out of your post to me is that you admit being too reliant on your children for your happiness, I think right now, you really need to forge a life of your own. That will be critical to your 'survival' in the future as a single mum.

My STBXH left 6 months, I spent the first month 'grieving', I was in tears everyday and I felt awful. By the second month, I knew if I wanted to survive this, I had to go out and live the life I haven't lived due to having two little ones very close in age. I got all the help I could get, I self-referred on the NHS to a counsellor, which has been helping tremendously. I did life coaching.

I got in touch with my ex-colleagues, single friends etc and started going out again. I don't drink so I don't do pubs etc but I went to exhibitions, movies, lots of meals out, theatre etc. I started running again. When my DCs are not with me, I don't think about them, I just go out and see my friends and wander around town. Six months on, I really feel like I have got a second chance at life. I'm not stuck with a selfish prick of a husband who never let me have time to do anything for myself.

My STBXH left for a colleague of his (though he did the bulls**t of 'It's us, I'm not in love with you anymore blab blah blah') and they are now all loved up. He only has the kids every other weekend and once overnight during the week days.

You will need to give it time, the cracks will show very soon that he will NOT be able to manage 50/50 on top of a full-time job. It has taken us 6 months to get into a routine that is comfortable for us both and also to a point where we are fairly close to a financial settlement.

Don't try to rush things. With time, your friends will also see through the yarns he is spinning. It's pretty obvious to all now that despite his protestations that there wasn't anyone else, there WAS and even my SIL is refusing to meet the OW as she feels her brother has done such a bad thing. The first few months are hard so just put your head down and get through it and start sowing the seeds of a new life for yourself.

At the moment I assume you are doing all the chores for the kids - washing, ironing, homework etc. The reality of 50:50 means he has to do his share too meaning that the fake act he is putting on now will slip.

My bet is he won't want 50:50 when reality bites but whatever time he does get you should focus on being time for you to be you, not time without the kids. Sounds like you deserve some 'me' time!

angel1976 yes I know you are right and I need to move forward and build a new life but it is so painful. Some weeks are better than others and I have been meeting up with good friends but living in the same house is just horrendous.
Can I ask if you are still in the family home? I think my STBXH will use the house as a way of getting the kids to stay with him. He has enough money to buy me out but I don't have the income to get a mortgage at the moment. Also when he has them at weekends is it fri to mon or sat to sun?

towicymru I really don't know what will happen long term. The kids are his new obsession ( was me but is now them). That may remain the case but if/when he meets someone new things might change. He's very worried about what people think and will want to show off that he is best dad ever looking after 2 kids and doing an "important job"!

Somewhere along the way in all this mess I have seriously lost my sense of humour, sense of self, idea of what is right thing to do. Anybody else's experiences and stories would be really helpful. Especially how to handle difficult, screwed up XHs!

Beans I am still in the family home. It sounds like you've been the primary caregiver? I would stay put till you get some sound legal advice. It was awful enough the 5 weeks we spent together in our house after he dropped the bombshell, so I don't envy you... But I believe if you left, your position is significantly weakened especially if you've been the primary caregiver so far.

My STBXH has been very reasonable so far on terms of access and financial settlement as he is the one who walked and eager to show everyone he is doing the 'right thing'. He's giving up part of his equity in the marital home in exchange for me not claiming spousal maintenance. But he will be paying child maintenance. We're also close to agreeing that in order to maintain stability for the children in the short term, we'll only sell the house in 4 years.

Weekend access is usually Friday evening to Sunday evening. But I know single parents who do a changeover on Saturday to the other parent and they do this every weekend. It's whatever suits the children most etc. And things like that take time to work out...

I really cannot see how your STBXH thinks he can do a demanding full-time job and juggle two school-going children. The only 'couple' I know doing 50:50 is because the man is a freelance writer and the mum works at a museum with flexible hours.

I've been very lucky. Was in a PT job before and has gone full-time recently but with a very understanding boss and very flexible hours so I still do bulk of childcare but also has the help of a very lovely local girl who helps me out with childcare on an ad-hoc basis...

Definitely advocate CBT for self esteem - I did it through my GP and it has been brilliant. Feel so much better about myself. Depending on the waiting list you may have some months to wait, but it really is worth it.

angel1976 thank you for replying. Sounds like your XH is being more reasonable than mine. As far as he is concerned he has been the perfect husband/father and so doesn't want to leave the house for fear of being seen to be accepting any blame for the breakdown of the marriage. Is too messy to go into reasons for split but as far as his own family goes they think he is being ridiculous in saying I am entirely at fault. He won't be reasonable though and so my chances of staying in the house are fairly low. I have had legal advice and my sol said I could take him to court to ask to keep the house. But that is so adversarial and expensive that I don' t think it's an option. I suppose I could waive rights to spousal maintenance in return for some equity but how much would that be?

Badseeds I think I may have to go down the Cbt route even if I have to pay for it. Self esteem issues are getting worse. Has been an issue for years but worse through unsupportive marriage.

I am just hoping that one day all this will feel less painful.

Beans, it will get better, I promise you. Are you anywhere near London? If you are, PM me and I'll take you out to live a little!

We are splitting the house 35-65 in my favour. This is also taking into account that my career has taken a backseat to his because of the children so in a way, I need a bigger pot to re-establish myself while he will not have any problems getting another mortgage in the future. I wasn't fussed about the spousal maintenance. Luckily, I've always been independent and kept a job going so I'm good with the idea of supporting myself. Spousal maintenance is not a 'given' nowadays either and usually stops after a certain number of years or if you meet someone new. I could have possibly gone for a bigger percentage but despite all that has happened, I want to be fair BUT my children have to come first so it's a fine balancing act.

If he wants to play hardball, then play along with him. If he wants to keep the family home, you will need to negotiate him paying you out your share of the equity and a child maintenance amount that you are able to bring up your children in. Tell him if he goes to court, the judge will always look at the children's welfare first. And there's no way the judge will think it's okay for you to live in a shithole while he lives in a mansion...

Go and get some counselling, woman! I went to my counsellor a snivelling mess and I've come a long way since as he likes to remind me... It's very positive to have someone who you know is out for your best welfare and in tough times like these, it's exactly what the doctor ordered!!!!

You should be able to get it on the NHS, though. I saw my MH specialist yesterday and realised how much of a wreck I had been the previous visit, six months ago. Amazing. Hope it does you a lot of good and things settle down for you.

I recently split, doing 50 :50 child care .
was v worried about it......but it's great!

Very quick as am going to bed: Very similar situation around our breakup. KEy points:

1. Get counselling 2. The all-singing all-dancing will become less dramatic and calm down over time when normality and daily grind sets in. Your role is to be consistent and carry on being a good mom 3. Get some shit going on for yourself that makes you feel good (preferably a physical hobby which will help with the depression) 4. You can't control what he says about you or what people think so basically, fuck them if they don't have the sense to listen to your side as well. Seriously. Prioritise what you think of yourself (not enough at the moment) and get good sound perspectives from people close to you.

If it helps, here's my rub: We have a 4 nights/3 nights split (50:50 is a myth ime). I moved out.

Initially, on the 3 nights away from them, sometimes I would wake up in a cold sweat thinking I'd left them somewhere and they were standing outside their schools/clubs in the dark and cold, then I would remember they were perfectly safe and well with their dad, who now has a far better and more real relationship with them because he has to drop, fetch, cook, counsel, deal with meltdowns, wash brush and style hair, apply suncream, administer first aid, manage extra curriculars, wash clothes and linen, discipline (occasionally effectively), liaise with school staff, talk shit in the playground with other parents, do homework, read the reading book, dish out curfews, say 'you're not going out dressed like that' and deal with the ensuing row, feed the cats and take them to the vet, negotiate flexi-time etc etc etc etc, ALL of which I did in its entirety for thirteen years while he did what he wanted and like your dh swanned in for lovely baths and bedtimes.

I miss them yes. But, I deserve a fucking break. And it is only right and fair that he does these things some of the time and he should have been doing at least some of them all along.

Apart from the occasional panic, the rest of the time I am away from them I am either: out with my friends, having excellent sex with my new dp, working (without having to tie myself in a knot about it because of all of the above tasks), exercising, or.... real treat.... SLEEPING.

No I'm not the bad guy, although I am the head disciplinarian still.... I challenge them and it's good for them. You have to play the long game on that one and know they will thank you when they are properly adjusted adults. They'll say 'but daddy would let me x,y,z' at some stage, and the other way around to him. You grow broad shoulders and do what is right. You do NOT compete for affections, however scared you get that they are enjoying their time with him.

My view is this: They gain a more attentive dad and a more normal parental relationship. You gain a break, and there is no way that their relationship with you can be eroded or broken down just because you're not with them every day of the week. They will ALWAYS have you as their primary relationship. You've put so much into it, you should feel secure and safe in your role as a mother to know that being away some nights of the week is not going to shake it. And just because sometimes they might be shitty with you and rave about his fantastic cooking or enthusiasm for video games doesn't mean that they are suddenly going to want to live with him permanently. It's all ebbs and flows.

It'll be ok.

Sorry that wasn't very quick at all

I stand corrected on 50:50 payhisdebt!

If he wants 50-50 why didn't he do it before the split?

Get yourself to a solicitor and find out what you're entitled to.

Are you a SAHM or working part time?

50:50 may turn out to be a good thing.
Make sure it includes enough weekdays, so that he pays for child care for them, not just weekends.

Also, it's your opportunity to start living your life. Investing too much in your DCs is not healthy for you.

I would try to think less about yourself and more about your children.
It's not about what "you're entitled to" , but what's best for your children.
If they end up with a better relationship with their dad, all the better.

I suspect when reality kicks in, his 50:50 will be reduced, but for that exact reason, don't fight him over it. You are more likely to be blamed for him having less time if you fight him over it.
At best, you'll have more time for yourself, to eventually build a new relationship and your children will have a closer relationship with their dad.
At worst, he'll see them less and less and look like a twat.

On the practical side my dSis and her ex do 50:50 (because he's a twunt who doesn't want to pay maintenance and he has his new GF around ALL the time so he doesn't have to look after the children himself. But that's another story...)

They do Fri evening to Mon morning alternate weekends - whoever has the DCs that weekend does the Friday pickup from childcare and the Monday dropoff to school/childcare.

They then have a couple of nights in the middle with each parent to even out the time spent. Means a nice long weekend off each, and what dSis did at the beginning was pack up a lovely big bag of clothes for each DC and hand it to the ex, so no bag packing needed at handovers.

He just takes them on a Friday with their schoolbags - no messing about handing over or getting back clothes. If they grow out of anything kept in his house, then it's his issue to replace it. They go halves on childcare as they both work FT.

I really cannot see how your STBXH thinks he can do a demanding full-time job and juggle two school-going children. The only 'couple' I know doing 50:50 is because the man is a freelance writer and the mum works at a museum with flexible hours.
Oh FGS, many parents have to juggle working full-time and 100% or 90% or 80% care of school age children. It's what millions and millions of people just get on with because of separation or bereavement. I do 50/50 and work full-time as does my ex. If we were still together, we would be both be working full-time and sharing parenting equally.

OP, it is tough, but better you face this now and find you again in your own right while they are still young than in 10 years time. Going to 50/50 was brutal and traumatic for me, but anything else would have been more brutal and traumatic for my child (and ex).

Ahem, I work full time and do 100% childcare, as exH is abroad.

I have the occasional help from relatives, but that includes mostly holidays or possibly one dinner a week, although less now as DS is older.

Just logging back very quickly to say thank you so much for your wisdom and help. Will come back later when dcs in bed. Wanted to say how much I appreciate you all taking time to reply.

the childcare element is irrelevant to how you split the week, as others said - his days with DC he arranges childcare. working or not is not relevant. fwiw i have sole residency, work nearly ull time and obviously organize childcare.

a 50/50 or 3/4 split of care would be a godsend as pp like unidentifiedflyingobject have said - time to be with dc, time for you to be you. what's not to like?

(not feasible over here due to ex's issues but not long til dc get a bit older ....)