Overwhelmed by coffee invites

[Whiteclouds]

Not sure if I'm posting this in the right place but wasn't sure where to put it. Does anyone else feel a bit overwhelmed by these well meaning social invites? I've got a toddler and a 6 month old and this is stressing me out way more than it should. Toddler is really active so we go out a lot. Being indoors in our smallish house is tricky so every morning and afternoon we are all out at groups, the park, walking....whatever. As a result I meet a lot of people and I like this it keeps me sane and I really value those pleasant fairly light social interactions. But I am often being asked to go for coffee. This stresses me because 1 I will need to be somewhere at a set time and often that doesn't happen, 2 I can't cope with making new proper friends ( I'm lucky I have a pretty good support network and a handful of old close friends) I worry that I can't offer them what they want as I struggle to maintain my old friendships properly as time/energy is so limited.3 it means being indoors and toddler does doesn't cope well for long. I also find that 1:1 chat a bit draining when looking after 2 little ones at the same time.
The people asking are lovely but how do you politely turn down these requests? Am I odd in finding this a bit of a nightmare?

Just say your toddlers too lively for indoors and suggest they join you for a walk or to the park instead.

I think you just reply,"that would be nice", but when it comes to booking in a date, just be vague and have 'things' on, like dentist, family coming, etc, etc. You will be surprised how many of these people crop up once your dc start pre-school, primary school, clubs and often a friendly face can be a godsend, not to mention help with lifts and emergency childcare.

I would love to be inundated with coffee invites!

I suppose you could either arrange to meet somewhere that has both indoor and outdoor areas or delay by saying 'how nice but I've left my diary at home...'

Thanks for your thoughts.yep, suzie pre children I went through a stage when I was really quite lonely so I do feel like I should feel grateful for these offers! I am actually quite shy but have got good at the superficial chit chat and having the kids makes it easier to keep it at that level, it's the next stage up of getting to know you that I find tough and exhausting. I do tend to use the other strategies suggested but sometimes I do agree then stress out about it for days in advance. Bloody hell, how ridiculous!

Do people really come up to you in the park or on walks and hound you to go for coffee? Where are all these friends you already have when this is happening??

Poor you!

Just say its quite hard to plan for things at the moment with 2 kids but you would love to at some point.

I know exactly where you're coming from with this. I was exactly the same and yet I never could figure out how to escape.

It was a treadmill and then it'd be my turn to host one. I found the whole merry-go-round of it all quite exhausting esp as I have 3 under 3yrs at one stage. Again for me too the people were fundamentally nice enough, I just hate regular, set in stone, your turn next coffee mornings that become an obligation.

Even now years later and dc are at school, I still fend them off (and probably look unsociable in the process). If you do it twice that's it..no escape. All I can suggest is that you say something like you're tied up with family and can only do it every other week/once a month or whatever you feel you can manage. But say it soon before it becomes the norm for you to be there.

I don't think you should say yes then be hard to pin down. Just be honest and say your LO isn't great indoors so you prefer to do other activities with them. That doesn't come across as rude and you wouldn't have to dread bumping into them again/ being pestered about dates to meet up.

TBH, I would make a super human effort to meet these people for a walk, at a play park etc. The tricky time will pass and it's so good to have a large network of friends and contacts, especially if they have children too.

However, if you don't want to meet them just decline and say you're a bit busy. The invitations will soon dry up.

Haha floggingmolly it does feel like that but no, the reality is that I have moved t a really friendly place but no no-one is hounding me. I do meet people in the park and on my walks and after seeing them 1/2a dozen times or so I guess the next normal thing is to arrange a meet up. Aaa argh as I write this I realise I am just a bit of an anti social bastard. Oh and it's normally just me and the babies out and I meet up with people when I'm at the groups etc. my friends are doing different stuff but we are there to support each other on the phone etc and meet up at weekends.

Have you tried shorter visits?

Thank god, other people found this stressful too. That makes me feel more normal.

When you're asked out why not just invite people along to places that you're going anyway? For example, if you plan to take your toddler to the park in the afternoon then ask if they would like to come along. That way you're not trying to find extra time in your already busy schedule to fit them in, but you're still spending time with them.

thank you everyone. I do feel better about this having read the replies. I dont want to be unsociable but I think the problem is probably the indoors environment /stress of hosting etc. im going to try suggesting meeting for walks and see if there are any takers. actually quite looking forward to a chat while I walk. im sure ill look back on this and wonder what the big deal was.

I think i understand where you are coming from, I have similar issues. I value my private time very much. I sometimes wonder if i am antisocial! Pre kids I loved to just hang out with mates and acquaintances, meet at the pub gigs etc. I like the ease and lack of pressure. I struggle now because it is so different. I have friends who have lots of mum chums etc and i'd love to have mums i could meet up with but i really can't keep up the commitment and don't want to (can't) get involved that deeply. Some people want far more from me than i can give and it freaks me out. I get sad and anxious about it too.

This happened to me and like you, I much preferred being outdoors or in big spaces when I had inquisitive and energetic toddlers! So like others have suggested, I used to be honest about that and if I thought the 'inviter' could become a friend in the future, I'd suggest walks. Luckily we had a great open space where we lived that had 'coffee huts' along the way and I've still got fond memories of those walks and even the coffee out of polystyrene cups .

My perspective has always been that you can never have too many friends and in my case, I palled up with some really nice women who remain friends to this day.

I think I was fitter then too

Maybe suggest grab a coffee to bring outdoors, don't feel obliged,
. The worst thing to do is go along with it. If it accommodates you go for it, if not say so. I keep a diary which helps but don't stick to it if it genuinely doesn't suit the kids or me.

I only ever met people at the local toddler groups - much easier to do that, then if you can't go ( poorly dc, poorly you) its not such a let down, and vice versa. " I'd love to see you for coffee, do you to x? So much easier to chat there"

Then the other days were quite free and flexible to go shopping, see friends etc. if the weather was nice, people came for a picnic in the garden, but no running round indoors! Its amazing about the mess and how no one lifts a finger to help clear it up. As the dc got bigger, I allowed it more, but always said " don't forget to tidy up with your friend, or you'll have to do it when they go"

I think you are someone to be envied! You clearly push through the barriers of small talk when out walking and people see you as approachable, and want to take it further. I'm a bit the opposite and like to get to know people a bit better before I move things on to a 'friendship' level. So I think I give out an air of 'don't get too close too soon'. If you find that people are really friendly and you don't want this, then maybe you can rein in your own behaviour a bit so that you aren't so 'friendly' when you meet strangers and it doesn't go any further?
Just a thought to keep them at more of a distance if that's what you want!