Fed up with DH's arrogance

[nananoo]

DH has always had a slight arrogant and self righteous streak - but recently it's become unbearable. We've been together for years and now I'm beginning to dislike the person I'm married to (and I've told him that).

If he has to deal with a confrontational situation he speaks to people in a patronising and aloof way - and because of this has caused tension with a few of our neighbours. More worrying though is his aggressive driving, if someone makes a mistake or cuts in front, they will certainly know about it. A red mist descends and he is hideous!

It's as if he's joined the police force for the day and has to put the world to rights. If someone is parked on the path he will push their wing mirror in without fail, or if someone has their music too loud on the train he will tell them very undiplomatically.....and so on!

I have told him again and again that one day someone will thump him, and his driving is dangerous. He apologises, says he won't do it again....but he does.

This attitude is to strangers only by the way....he certainly doesn't talk to me or DCs like this.

Just so sad because this isn't the person I married.

Occasionally dh acts a bit like this, usually when he feels insecure or self-doubting. Nobody who is confident about themselves needs to act in such a pompous manner. I ignored it for a while but that made it worse, so now I challenge him everytime he makes such a comment and he will look shamefaced and realise he's being a twat.
He needs to learn how to assertive without being aggressive. Something like this makes interesting reading.

I'm glad he doesn't speak to you that way but this Victor Meldrew act must be mortifying. Do you feel you have to apologise for his behaviour the neighbours, for example? Or do you send him round to apologise? Driving angry is going to get you all killed so I'd be seriously telling him to stop the car and get out rather than continue on a journey. Bending wing-mirrors? Childish.

The danger is that he will carry on doing this bullying stuff unless there is some dire consequence. Apart from the empty promises, what happens to him now?

Thanks CeliaFate for the link, and the advise. The obnoxiousness seems to coincide with him having more responsibility/power at work. Maybe it's stress! I used to ignore it, but now I always point it out. Sometimes he doesn't believe he's in the wrong!

He very rarely sees the neighbours as he works long hours, so it's usually me facing them on a daily basis. So yes, he has made life difficult for me as I have to live in the community. We have had serious talks about the driving issues. His promises last for a little, but are always broken. I was fed up with arguing in the car in front of DCs so the arguments were saved until they were in bed.

I really don't know what's next. He can be lovely some of the time and then just be a complete arse!

What are the arguments about? That he doesn't think he's in the wrong? At first you seemed to be saying that he saves this angry stuff just for others but if you're arguing in cars, is that actually the case?

What is he arguing about?.

Pushing wing mirrors in on cars quite apart from childish could also be seen as criminal damage; he is fortunate that to date he has not been prosecuted. I reckon none of your neighbours can stand him and pity you for putting up with him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here?.

Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to emulate to your children, your children could grow up to act exactly the same as their Dad is doing now. Is that what you want for them as well?.

(I think you can 'click' wing mirrors flat against the car without actually damaging them... just saying )

With the neighbours it has been over a couple of minor noise issues. Something I would just say...could you keep the noise down a bit....but he would approach in a more aggressive way (verbally that is).

Actually when he has been driving badly. I tell him so, but he often thinks he is justified because of the actions of the other driver. There is just no telling him. So yes, these arguments have stopped in front of the DCs - but I always point it out later.

It's a really difficult situation to describe. In so many ways I haven't mentioned he is great. But I'm not sure these outweigh the other moments.

Regarding wing mirrors - he would never damage them - just fold them in . It's the whole self righteous attitude that bugs me!

'There is just no telling him' sounds like this arrogance and entitlement does actually extend to you. Your opinion is not important, you're embarrassed into backing down (rather than argue in front of the DCs), you can't talk to the neighbours and, when you do get chance to speak, he thinks you can be fobbed off with fake promises to change.... That's not exactly healthy. I'm sure he is great in other ways and you don't sound intimidated or anything like that, but what you're describing is a bully. And who wants to live with a bully?

It sounds as though he has been given more power at work and doesn't know how to wield it appropriately, and has become a boor; throwing his weight around because he thinks he is the boss.

What do you plan to do?

I'd be really showing him that I am turned right off by his behaviour. Refuse to go out with him. Pick your stuff up and leave when he behaves unattractively. Consider your finances. When he asks what's up, tell him honestly. The problem is his, not yours. I'd also try to avoid him if poss, to let your irritation levels reduce, for your own sanity!!!

Sounds like part of his personality tbh so not sure how you would go about changing that, he won't take on board what you are saying and he should, he's embarrassing you and more importantly making you suffer his outbursts, really not fair. Ultimatum talk?

Thanks MNers for offering a bit of perspective on things. After living with such a person for years you wonder if you are making too much of a problem. Ultimatum talk definitely needed before next tantrum!

An ultimatum can only be issued once and must be followed through by you. Otherwise it loses all its power.

Arrogance is an unhealthy trait as well.

Even folding in wing mirrors is wrong; how would he react if the same was done to his car.