Dad not talking to me. Now what?

[micegg]

I put this on another section of the site so please excuse repeat whinge!

I haven't had a great relationship with my dad since my teens.Prior to my DD birth last year I would see him maybe once ot twice a year even though he only lives and hour and a half away. I have just found out from my sister that he says he feels pushed out from my DD life and has given up making an effort. Just to clarify, the "effort" is 3 visits in 9 months and a christmas present received in February after I asked about it. This may not sound much by itself but I am really cross as he seems to have forgotten that before I had my DD he would see me maybe twice a year, never called on my birthday and to be honest was very rude on several occassions to me and my DH. I am trying to keep rant to a minimum but to give you an idea, he bullied me in the lead up to my wedding (threatened to hit me/ refuse to come to the wedding, etc) if I invited my sister. All because he wasn't speaking to her at the time even though I didn't have a problem with her. He also asked Dh and I if we had had a DNA test to check the baby was my Dh when I was 7 months pregnant in front of relatives at my sisters wedding! I have forgiven him so many times but am furious that he is making out to be the hard done by grand father. I spoke to hime today and he put the phone down on me.

I am now deciding whether to see if he gets in touch and then play it by ear or should I ring for DD sake as I dont want to deny her a chance to meet her grandad. Very difficult. DH wants me to leave it and says we have our own family. He has never liked my dad but kept his opinions to himself. I will stop now before my keyboard sets alight. Grrrrrrrr.

To be honest it doesn't sound as if it would be any great loss for your dd not to have a relationship with her grandad ... I know he's your dad, but he sounds like a rude, insensitive bully who expects everyone else to do the running and I would say that you are all better off without him. Your dd having no relationship with him at all would be better than her having a toxic relationship with him.

Do you want a relationship with him yourself, or are you only doing this so that your dd can have a relationship with him? Because it sounds as if the only relationship he is capable of having at the moment is a negative one, and your baby deserves better. So do you.

Have you talked to your Mum about his behaviour and if so what has been her response?.

Toxic people like this man is showing you are worth staying away from. You do not need his toxic behaviour in your life.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as this may also help you.

Thanks for your replies. Its nice to have confirmation of what I already thought. Its so difficult to break a tie with a parent. I spoke to my mum tonight. She divorced my dad when I was 4 and hasn't spoken to him since my sisters wedding last year when he made his delightful comment about having a DNA test. I will look that book up as I am sure it will help. I have known this day would come since my wedding. I really should have told him then. I can't think of another person who I would take such abuse form just for wanting someone at my wedding. Must stop ranting.

Just realised I didn't add what my mum said. She said dont call him again and wait and see. She says she feels much better without him in her life. They had an awful marriage. He beat her up and left her for his secretary when my sis and I were 4 and 2. Nice.

He's not been a father to you in any sense of the word and he sounds like a nasty piece of work to me. Whyever would you want that in your and your dd's lives?

Leave him be. He sounds like an arse to be honest. Wait and see if he contacts you, I think it stinks that he said that abot DNA, the loser.