Trying to be grown up about XH's new girlfriend

[HolyMotherOfGod]

I'm trying my hardest, really. Have no difficulty with XH being in a new relationship. He is a grumpy and difficult man at the best of times, but has been in a far better mood since he's got a girlfriend. He did all the right things: discussed with me first before introducing her to the kids, only introduced her after they'd been together for ages, introduced her as 'friend' first, etc. Now it's all official and the kids know she's Dad's girlfriend. It grates, ever so slightly, that she is buying them expensive gifts and is now going to be spending Christmas with them (my teen DD is not happy about this but is putting on a brave face for his sake, she says). But, apart from the welfare and happiness of my kids, I believe the rest is all really none of my business.

It's the history that is the most interesting bit though: He had an affair with her (yes, the same woman) when he was with first wife (25+ years ago), then dumped her. Then got back together with her, and then dumped her again (in a not very nice way) when he met had an affair with me and I became his second wife. AND NOW THEY'RE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN!

When we were together, he completely character-assassinated her, I suppose to justify leaving her but of course I believed him at the time . He told me all sorts of awful personal things about her, her past, her family, etc. Things I really wish I didn't know. Over the years he never had one decent thing to say about her. I feel quite sorry for her that she has taken him back a third time. She's not a bad person and I know her to be kind, etc.

What does bother me though is this: all the awful things he said about her, I strongly suspect he is now saying about me (to her, of course!). I was the one who left him (EA relationship, NPD, it was bad...long story) and he was terribly bitter about it all. He didn't speak to me for nearly two years after the break-up. And I mean literally not at all, wouldn't even make eye contact when collecting the kids.

I know there is absolutely nothing I can do but I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all at the moment, especially the plans for Christmas.

Are you in a new relationship yourself?

No, have been single since we split - 4 years now. There have been a few romantic interests (dates) but nothing significant.

I'm not suggesting you should get into a relationship... :) But IME, what the ex is doing and with whom stops being quite so compelling when you believe your life is working out well. The remark about 'expensive gifts' for example... are they better off than you or am I reading that wrong? My exH and I split up a very long time ago and the only times I get a stab of anything approaching resentment is when I hear he's doing OK for himself. Then I have to remind myself that my life is far better without the miserable bugger and the 'OW' he married and persuaded to have his kids deserves pity rather than scorn.

Seriously, do not waste your time worrying/ dwelling on what he might be saying about you. Of course it grates on you but you are worth so much more than that. He has loved his life in quite a messy way- sounds like he has never been single. Sounds like he's overlapped partners and slagged off exes to his woman of the moment for all his adult life. You're better off out of it, let him talk about you all he wants...she knows what he's like...she's been there 3 times before. She's probably living in gear of being dumped and replaced again. Try to focus on you and not them.

I think you need to try not to focus on it too much. There is nothing you can do to change your exH's baggage.

From what you say, my heart goes out to her. This man has blighted her entire life. Honestly, I think it should remind you to be supremely grateful that he's not blighted yours in the same way.

mammadiggingdeep - he has never been single in his entire life, bar about a year once I think. Every relationship overlapped. He said awful things about his first wife too, made it out to be all her fault that he cheated on her several times and dumped her in the end.

CogitoErgoSometimes - I hear you about the doing well thing! They aren't particularly well off but it seems new GF is trying to get the kids to like her by buying them stuff and XH is doing things like suggesting to DD that she ask new GF for career advice, etc

Less of a couple more a pair of boomerangs. Of course if he demolished her when with you he probably metes out the same to your reputation. Easy for a bystander to say but in the great scheme of things do you really care what he spouts to whichever partner he's with? If he's in a good mood with her he's out of your hair and makes things easier when he sees DCs. If she's a nice woman she probably takes what he says with a pinch of salt and as long as she's treating your DCs well, that's the main thing.

All you do now is raise your DCs and get on with your life and what's the MN expression? "smile and wave".

perfectstorm - you're absolutely right, he has blighted her entire life. Because we had history together, as in I 'stole' her man (20+ years ago) and she said a lot of unpleasant things about me back then, etc, it's really strange having her back in my life uninvited. But I do feel for her, she's obviously really in love with him despite all the stuff he's done to her over the years. I'm wondering if he's planning on making her wife number 3 now, to make it up to her.

"smile and wave"

Ahhhhh! Love it!

Crikey, OP, they sound like Taylor and Burton!!!

It sounds like your ex has ruined her life and will continue to do so. But really, you can't worry about all that.

Your job is simply to keep an eye out that this fucked up pair don't in any way hurt your DC.

She is a victim if his piss poor behaviour too only she's still with him!!! Him, his lies and his slagging off of women are no longer your problem.
Yes yes to the 'smile and wave'. Good luck to the pair of them, my goodness it sounds like they bloody need it!!!!!!!
Focus on you. Xx