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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP and patronising Dad

26 replies

PenelopePitstops · 07/10/2013 23:03

Not sure where to start here. My DPs dad is incredibly patronising and it's really starting to piss me off.

We live apart (no dcs) and are currently doing up a place. His dad came over to help and was treating me like a 12yo with regard to decorating advice. I gave lived on my own for 7 years and am fully aware of the responsibility etc. He treats me like a silly young girl. Yesterday he went and got a load of stuff from b&q to 'help' but it was all stuff we didn't need. (don't want to say specifics as it will out me but think red paint when we want white).
The worst part is that I can't decide whether he is like it because I am young or a woman or he generally has no idea!
I am beginning to think it has something to do with my age but I really can't tell.

Other examples of him are generally questioning everything I do. I used to Iive 90 miles away and everytime I drove back I'd get a comment about driving for so long.

I am potentially reading him all wrong and will accept if that's the case.

Does anyone have any advice on dealing with this before I blow a fuse at him!

OP posts:
Original poster
PenelopePitstops · 07/10/2013 23:16

Bump, anyone, please!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 23:18

Call him out. He may think he's being helpful and he'll be very offended when you say ..... 'Which part of 'I know what I'm doing' are you struggling to understand?'... 'Hope you kept the receipt for the red paint because it's going straight back'... But you have to stand up for yourself or he'll just carry on.

Rosencrantz · 07/10/2013 23:22

What does your DP have to say about this? Personally I think it's his responsibility to pull his dad up, so you don't look rude.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 23:29

Not rude... assertive! The OP doesn't need the DP to fight her battles.

Original poster
PenelopePitstops · 07/10/2013 23:30

Cogito I would but I'm worried about being rude. Annoyingly being the silly little girl he thinks I am!!

DP says very little, I'm not sure he really notices the small stuff but it all builds up. How do I say to him that I think his dad is an idiot?!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 23:33

You don't tell him. You deal with the problem head-on and then you're not a 'silly little girl' you're a woman to be reckoned with. Men like him don't understand hints or passive aggression etc. You can even risk being rude because IME people like his Dad are usually so thick-skinned, they won't actually realise you're having a pop!

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2013 23:46

If you want to have an ongoing relationship with your DP you are going to need to either a) suck it up forever or b) find a way to deal with his DF.

I find disingenuous blinkiness with a side order of vicious works. So, "Sorry Bob, it was white paint not red. Should I take it back or you? God, I couldn't live with red paint " Act as though there is just no way in hell you will put up with anything other than what you want in your house. he wouldn't, why should you?

DP's job is to either back you up or let you deal with it your way.

sameproblem · 08/10/2013 00:36

Does he do this to just you or does your DP get it as well?

I ask because on the one hand it sounds like a classic 'patronising older man' viewpoint. On the other hand, my DH's father is like this, but with everyone. He is a very difficult person to deal with all round and we are currently not in contact. People at this level of patronising don't like to be challenged, so don your hard hat if he's one of those. Not to say you shouldn't speak up - you should.

CharityFunDay · 08/10/2013 00:39

Agree with Cogito. Chances are it's totally unconscious, and he will snap out of it pretty quickly. He's probably used to dealing with 'male-led' women Of A Certain Age. Educate him!

SalmonellaDeGhoul · 08/10/2013 00:57

Actually, Cogito, I know what you're saying but I do think that it's up to me to "bugger" dh from my Mum and vice versa. I find my MIL in particular only really backs down if dh stands up for me.

SalmonellaDeGhoul · 08/10/2013 00:57

OMG! "buffer" NOT bugger! Blush Blush

Rosencrantz · 08/10/2013 01:07

I'm still in the camp of getting DP to do it. His father, his problem as far as I'm concerned. I'll deal with my parents, you deal with yours? Talking to your own parents gives you a little more scope to be direct doesn't it? Ie, however mean you are, they still love you?

Rosencrantz · 08/10/2013 01:08

Says more about me tbh I think ^

I deffo couldn't be bothered with conflict.

Original poster
PenelopePitstops · 08/10/2013 07:23

Thanks, glad to hear I'm not entirely alone.

Mostly just to me which makes me think it has something to do with me being a woman. I am a year younger than DP so not sure it's the age, I just can't decide.

He is late 50s so struggling to understand how he lives in the 1960s still! He is similar in his attitude to a 90 year old female aunt. She has had enough and told him as much.

How do I phrase it politely to dp?!

OP posts:
MarjorieAntrobus · 08/10/2013 07:53

If he (Dad of DP) is like that with his elderly aunt, OP, then for him it's about you being a woman, not young.

Honestly, just call him on it every time. Every time. Your DP might not even notice what his Dad does for two reasons. One is that he is used to his Dad and two, he's a bloke so doesn't get that kind of treatment from his Dad.

If you predict you are going to be in this relationship for a long time, then start dealing with this now. Call DP's Dad on it every time.

I remember my DPILs used to comment all the time on my 1)owning a car, and 2)driving it by myself without chaperoning passengers, and 3)after dark, and 4)long distances. Yep I said. It's fine I said. So what I said. Etc etc.

Just stand up to him! (And as a nosy aside . . . where is your DP's mother? What's her approach to you? And how is DP's DF with her?)

whattodoo · 08/10/2013 08:04

Patronize him right back! Make it lighthearted so that he can't take umbrage.

Something like "Oh Bob! I think you sometimes forget that I'm a grown woman and have been making adult decisions for the past 7 years". All said in a smiley, laughing, friendly voice.

Repeat each time he does it.

Meerka · 08/10/2013 08:14

"Thanks but actually we'd planned on cream here. I enjoy planning this sort of thing myself.

But it was very kind of you. Next time we run into something we don't know how to do, perhaps we could ask you? "

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 08:20

"How do I phrase it politely to dp?!"

What's it to do with him? If you met this man in any other setting would you be asking DP to have a word? If you tell DP something politely and he politely tells it to Pops then, by the time the Chinese Whispers process is over, it'll have lost all meaning.

Original poster
PenelopePitstops · 08/10/2013 08:41

DPsmother is on the scene and the are married. She is very non iinterfering to the point we have to specifically invite her over to help whereas dad turns up on a whim. She does very little around the home and rarely cooks tea, his dad does this. She is lovely but he doesn't really patronise her like me or the aunt.

In any other setting I'd call him out immediately, it's so unlike me to be like this. My sister met him last week and was tearing her hair out, in the end she called him on it. I feel too far gone!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 08:48

You're unlikely to be too far gone :) But if it's not like you to be squeamish then you have to start being yourself. Otherwise every visit will become anxiety-making and you won't feel in control in your own home. 'Oi! DP's Dad! No...'

MarjorieAntrobus · 08/10/2013 09:09

Right then, do as your sister did, and call him on it.

Also, talk to DP's mother about him. See, I assumed that he either had a doormat partner or an ex-partner. I am surprised that there is a apparently-happy-and-still-with-him partner.

Lostinspace1 · 08/10/2013 09:11

I agree - be more assertive, but like my FIL he is most probably like this with everyone else as well, including my OH. My FIL is a very practical man so if my OH does anything DIY related he comes and gives us a lecture on how to do it. Pisses me right off.

My MIL rang the other day to remind us that before buying the pram we should check its measurements so that it will fit in the car boot.....I mean, please, go and live your live and let us enjoy ours.

Isetan · 08/10/2013 09:42

CogitoErgoSometimes is absolutely right. Getting your DP to have a word with his dad only confirms FIL perception that you are indeed a little girl who needs a man to do stick up for her. Get in the habit of being assertive and add a walk to your talk.

Original poster
PenelopePitstops · 08/10/2013 21:26

Lost on space that sounds far too familiar! So does the car stuff. Oh the horror of a woman driver!!

Luckily not seen him since the weekend, will do my best to be Mrs assertive rather than secretly fuming next time.

Thanks for the advice, been great to see I'm not crazy!

OP posts:
cjel · 08/10/2013 21:39

you really are not crazy, I had a young man stay with me for a month and by the end found I was even being sushed in my own lounge so he could hear tv. and hand over my drill driver to put up curtain poles i was half way through doing perfectly well when he came in.!!! I couldn't understand why I had let a lodger half my age treat me like that!! I'm still trying to work it out!! I think it was something to do with the fact that I could see he was vulnerable and didn't want to burst his fragile ego bubbleConfused