Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm sad

20 replies

lollydollydrop · 07/10/2013 22:48

My partner hasn't touched me for weeks/months but now I have found a bin full of dirty tissues in his study and a roll of loo roll- he has obviously been watching porn in our new house whilst I am out or worse- whilst I am in the house in my study. Why does my partner wank so much but wont come near me? I feel so empty. Is this an issue or is is wanking normal? I swear it looks like he had a right old session whilst I was at the gym tonight, and I feel heart broken? Would anyone else feel so sad?

OP posts:
CressidaMontgomery · 07/10/2013 22:50

Well nobody can answer this for you. Ask him!

I'd be more interested in why he is keeping the tissues right now in your shoes ...

CailinDana · 07/10/2013 22:50

Wanking is totally normal. However loss of intimacy is a problem. Can you talk to him about it?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 22:52

Masturbation is normal. Masturbation (with or without porn) to the extent of replacing sex with a partner is not normal... or healthy. It's insulting and I'd be far more offended than sad. Also pretty disgusted that he couldn't even be bothered to flush the tissues... Confused

Annabelllll · 07/10/2013 22:54

So sorry to hear u r going through this.
Always the best thing to do is talk - calmly and nicely and preferably after a nice dinner together. :)
Masturbating and porn usually go well together - even I do it sometimes :) the problem is u guys dont have sex for few weeks - r u going through some stresful time now?
Small kids, lots of work, no time?
It happens to everyone but I understand that u r sad. I would be too. Just talk to him with the bottle of wine.
X

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 22:55

Wine? Hmm

CressidaMontgomery · 07/10/2013 22:56

I smell a rat

Or some dirty tissues . One of the two

Original poster
lollydollydrop · 07/10/2013 22:58

In my shoes? Sorry I dont understand!

I talked to him about it once before, I found a bottle of lube on our sofa and confronted him, I was so upset about it I drove to my parents house to stay the night. He said he was looking for adult toys for us online and became aroused. I dont know whether to believe that but we did buy a few. Some havent even made it out the box.

I'm so upset as I am the one with the higher sex drive, and so if he really does get these feelings then I dont understand why he wont come to me instead of turning to porn. Makes me feel completely surplus to requirements. And also the fact that there were just so many tissues, it was disgusting. I saw the roll of loo paper on his desk and wondered why does he have that when he just bought us each a box of tissues for our study's. Then I knew and as soon as I checked the bin it was unmistakable. I just feel really betrayed and cheated on in a way.. my heart aches. I dont know why I am even here. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
lollydollydrop · 07/10/2013 23:02

We've never had the most physical of relationships. I know he's not cheating though before anyone may imply. I always thought he didnt have a very high sex drive, but now I am feeling like he may do- just not towards me :(

After we talked about it last time we tried to come up with a 'sex contract' but didnt really stick to it. It has been stressful lately because I just finished a 1 year MSc and I am now starting a PhD- we also relocated and are in a new city. But even without the stress and change, before all that we didnt prioritise each other sexually. Our sex life was better when we were in a long distance relationship- things seemed to change when we moved in together 3 years ago

OP posts:
Portofino · 07/10/2013 23:03

Did you ask him?

CressidaMontgomery · 07/10/2013 23:05

In your shoes means in your position ...

Original poster
lollydollydrop · 07/10/2013 23:06

He is out now and I'm not sure what time he will be back, but I dont want to confront him tonight- he will have been drinking and it may get unpleasant or upset me more. I have a big day on tomorrow and really could have done without this sadness. I just feel like what is he with me for if he doesnt want me for that? I have never had this problem with past partners

OP posts:
Original poster
lollydollydrop · 07/10/2013 23:07

ah ok! Well he just has them in the bin.

I know exactly what I am going to do. Hang on..

OP posts:
Annabelllll · 07/10/2013 23:07

Sweety just dont blame yourself and try to get to the bottom of this.

Annabelllll · 07/10/2013 23:08

Cogito - yes with wine - they could seat down withthe glass of wine and talk.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 23:10

Sex is often good in a LDR because it's the old 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'. You look forward to meeting up and it's all very intense when you do. Now you're on tap, as it were, it's not intense enough. He's probably been a porn user throughout.....

Original poster
lollydollydrop · 07/10/2013 23:22

I have flushed all the tissues away, removed the loo roll and put the bin back in the lounge.

I thought it was weird- in our last house this particular bin was in the lounge, and so when we moved I put it in the lounge again, but my partner moved it up to his study soon after. In our previous house his study area was in the dining room, so not private and he did not have a waste paper bin there nor ask for one.

So why the sudden need to take our lounge bin? Obviously I know now. I have put it back there, and if he asks me about it or just moves it back I will see.. I wont bring it up with him, but will wait to see how long it takes before he notices/complains/moves it again etc. That way I know how eager he is for these sessions and how worried I should be.

I now need to pretend to be asleep before he gets home, I know I wont be able to resist asking him how his 'session' was tonight, he will think I am referring to his pool game but I wont be.. I cant say that but am not the type of person to be able to hide how I am feeling either- it just comes out in my voice. I will let you all know what happens. Thank you, still feeling really really sad but glad I posted as I need to not be so alone right now xx

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 08/10/2013 14:53

At the very least tell the minger to empty his own wankbasket. Eeewwww Shock

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 15:14

Rather than playing another round of Where'd The Bin Go or hinting about 'sessions' Hmm or hiding how you're feeling, why don't you just talk to him man to woman?

cjel · 08/10/2013 15:34

how are you lolly?

Chyochan · 08/10/2013 15:44

I had exactly the same thing, I never really got to the bottom of it, in the end Iv come to the conclusion, like most other relationship problems, its about power.
He likes it that he can have you hanging on, it makes him feel powerful and is a boost to his ego.
I very much doubt he will change, as someone who turnes down his partner, who he must fancy on some level, for a wank just so he can be the one in control of such an intimate part of the relationship is basicaly a bit of a shit who is unlike to care how much he is hurting you.
Playing games will get you nowhere and just prolong his passive aggressive power plays.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread