Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

has anyone managed to turn it around?

20 replies

sonowwhat · 07/10/2013 20:43

I always said I would stay together and work through things no matter what for the sake of the kids but its got to the stage where all we do is bicker and are full of contempt for one another so it seems that it's got to the stage where divorce is the only thing for the sake of our kids and al our sanity.

Before I go down that route though. Has anyone managed to turn it around? Has anyone managed to go from hating their other half to being in love again? or at least being in a relationship which was better or more content? If we're going to try to turn it around how do we go about it? where do we start?

I don't want to divorce, I want to turn it around (as does he) but this relationship feels so septic that I'm not sure we can. There's been no affairs DV or anything major like that just a feeling of resentment, disdain, lack of consideration, no affection towards each other. And I just can't go on.

OP posts:
toosadforwords · 07/10/2013 21:03

I came on to start my own thread, but am watching this with interest. Our marriage became as you describe, and I wanted to make it work, but last night he told me that he was having an affair, and now he's gone. I wish I'd done something proactive sooner. Relate counselling? He always said he'd never leave but he has.

Lweji · 08/10/2013 08:23

From what you say it might be possible, if he's happy to go to counselling too.

Why is there resentment and contempt, though?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 08:24

I think, provided everyone is committed to the project, you can get some outside help in what could be summed up as 'speaking kindly to each other'. Hate to love... that's a bigger ask.

Meerka · 08/10/2013 10:36

Yes.

My husband and I went from honeymoon to .. well, he changed after the honeymoon. My heart sank when he walked in the door and I did anything I could to avoid him within two years. We only stayed together for the kid.

He stonewalled me ALL the time, he put me down a lot, he created an untold amount of needless work by screwing thigns up (eg he tried to clear the hair out of the shower and broke the pipe underneath, which means taking out the whole damn shower and basin to get it) ... it was ... awful. Went out with his mates 4 days a week. I was very weak after a difficult pregnancy and he was no help - quite the opposite. I longed to get away. If anything needed doing, I just ignored him and did as much as I could myself. He'd complain we never did anythign together. that was becuase the last thing I wanted to do was spend time with him.

I too could be overbearing at times, specially when he was doing something plain stupid. Also, now and then I can be unreasonable and emotional cough

What changed? I think he realised how much I didnt want to be near or see him. He did love me and he was shocked to realise how bad things were. At that point I didnt even want to try, but wearily began yet again for the sake of our 2 year old. It wasn't always easy for him, he had to begin to try to be thoughtful and to try not to always put me down and to discuss, not just say 'nah, that's crap' all the time. But slowly, he did learn to change. He learned how to put things more constructively, so instead of 'no' he'd say, 'ok, I don't feel the same, where can we meet in the middle' or sometimes 'alright, I don't agree but we'll do it your way'. I observed, not very enthusiastically, but after about a year of him trying, I simply had to begin to try more genuinely myself. Now it's 2 further years on and I have to say, he has earned respect back. He has tried so so so hard, and it's been very difficult. I think it's getting easier, and he has learned that if he isnt so inflexible, then its easier for me to give way too. It doesnt always have to be his way or mine, we give and take now. It still takes a conscious effort not to respond if one of us slips or has a bad day, or we bicker, but after a short time we try to speak more calmly. We still don't do a huge amount together (partly becuase I'm sick again - and this time he is being an absolute hero) but we do do more, and we simply chat more and are more companionable.

I do feel ahem that the main problem was mostly him in this case. Perhaps naturally I'd say that, but even stepping back rationally and considering actual events and such like, I still think the problem was mostly him, and a bit me; and its mostly him who has changed, and worked on changing. A bit me, too =) The main thing for me was that I had to be open to try again, which after a lot of effort previously on my part which came to nothing, I was kind of ...not interested. Though it was so much easier once he became more talkable-to.

I like him again, and I've learned to love him again. And he feels more valued and appreciated and loved.

So yes, it's possible. But it takes self control, honesty, and effort, and real willingness to try.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/10/2013 11:19

This is a good book if you are both genuinely committed to improving the way you relate to each other. It wouldn't have worked for me because only one of us was interested in working on an equal, understanding partnership.

EdithWeston · 08/10/2013 11:26

Staying together for the children only works if you both make huge efforts to restore a functioning relationship. It's a seriously bad idea if it's just a case of staying put in a dysfunctional household.

You say he wants to mend the relationship too. Do you know what he thinks that means?

PTFsWife · 08/10/2013 11:30

yes. My husband and I drifted apart. We'd have competitions about who had the harder life - him at work, commuting, financial pressure, or me juggling my own business, looking after small children, running the house. We gradually stopped communicating other than about day to day practicalities. We lost love for each other and I often felt that I intensely disliked him (if not hate).

We tried counselling a couple of years ago but while it worked for a while, it didn't really change anything.

Then he had an affair (very recent). His behaviour shocked him to his core. He suddenly realised how far he had let his lack of communication and lack of involvement in family life take him. And he risked losing it all. It was his wake up call. For me, I realised that although he had done such a hideous thing, my gut reaction was that I still wanted him.

Since then we have both worked hard - he more than me but joint effort - to make things better. We're going for counselling again. We're taking it one day at a time. We've written a plan for what we want our life to look like. We talk a lot about everything. We are kind to each other.

Last night (after a very bad day - I was feeling very sad about a family tragedy that happened years ago but which came back due to something I had read) he was so brilliant, so loving and caring. And for the first time in a long time I felt 'I love him' and I said as much to him. He was so happy to hear it.

I genuinely think that if you both want to fix it, you can. Just start by writing how you would like your relationship to be. Get him to do the same. Then compare them. Agree to discuss it kindly, no interruptions and with open minds. See where it takes you.

x

Dahlen · 08/10/2013 11:31

Regardless of whether you save your marriage or decide to get divorced, learning how to communicate more civilly can only be a good thing. To that end I'd definitely try relationship counselling as it will benefit you either way.

TBH though, from what you've said, I think it's over. IME once respect is lost in a relationship, it's impossible to re-establish love. You may learn to respect each other again from the vantage of being separated, but it's almost nigh-on impossible to regain it while still together. Which isn't to say it can't ever happen of course, just that it's highly unlikely.

Good luck, whatever happens.

CeliaFate · 08/10/2013 11:31

I think if both of are prepared to admit your faults (or what the other person perceives as your faults) and both of you are committed to changing the way you interact with each other then it can turn around.
What will never work is if one person can't see that they've done anything wrong.

SawofftheOW · 08/10/2013 12:09

I found 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' by Andrew Marshall really helpful - might be worth a try OP. I share PTFsWife's view but it is terribly, terribly hard. Like her DH, my DH also had an affair. It was a terrible and agonising wake up call for both of us but similar to you OP, I think we had slipped into the habit of mutual unkindness and lack of care over our 17 years together, albeit interspersed with genuinely romantic moments and times of real passion, even in the midst of the bad times. But the bad times did outweigh the good before his affair.

TheKnightsWhoSayNi · 08/10/2013 12:10

All I can say is, I hope it can be. I really do.

joannesroom · 08/10/2013 20:39

It sounds awful. I can't really get why you want to make it work as it sounds as though you share mutual loathing for one another!

The words you use to describe the relationship: contempt/disdain/septic, it really doesn't sound as if this marriage had legs. Despite wanting to avoid divorce because of the children, I personally believe you owe it to them to model some sort of functional relationship, and create a reasonably harmonious home atmosphere. It is hard to see how you can manage that when the basic foundations of love, respect friendship clearly aren't there.

In a way, the fact that you have come to this without there having been an affair, or any other catalyst for marriage breakdown almost makes it more unsalvageable. I really think you should direct any remaining good will and energy into negotiating as amicable a split as possible.

sonowwhat · 08/10/2013 21:49

The first post was written as we discussed our problems, this update is being written because I have gone out for dinner this evening with friends, leaving my husband babysitting after his 9th consecutive day at work, today he worked 13 hours, I left the moment he came through the door. He doesn't mind.

Sometimes we have arguments which can turn nasty, yesterdays (pre this thread) started after my husband, having had a long day at work, looked after the kids while I went to boot camp, cooked dinner and stuck the clothes washing on. He then asked for help changing our bedding, I tried to put it off because I couldn't be bothered, he got annoyed.

In my post I forgot to mention many of the positive things in our relationship. My husband loves me and his family completely, they are his world, he has never cheated on me and will often be found boring people with his 'my wedding day was the best day of my life' talk.

He works hard doing shifts both day and night and commutes a long way, this he does so that I don't have to work and can be at home to look after our children. Money is tight but we make it work and balance the books (at zero) each month.

My husband understands that both of us need to share responsibility for our communication issues. He understands he can be wrong but really wants to resolve the issues and move forward together, married and as a family.

He finds it hard that I show him no love or affection; I did stroke his hand when he gave me a shoulder rub a few weeks ago, it meant a lot to him. He wishes we could be more caring toward each other and would love the chance for a night out together (without kids).

There is often more than one point of view and being able to see others is a benefit, or so my husband says, he should know. As I explained this post has come about because I'm out for drinks, I forgot to turn the laptop off and left the browser open on the thread I started. I know these things are true because I am that husband and I love my wife.

Can we turn it around?.......of course we can. Jx

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 08/10/2013 22:05

Oh wow. OP's DH/ If that last line is true and you 'found' this (didn't go searching for it) then that must have come as a bit of a shock!

Beautifully written post, so I hope she sees it, agrees with it and that you find the help you need to find your way back to each other.

marimeifod · 08/10/2013 22:52

Good luck to you both and may you find your way through this with plenty of talking and sharingx

Cosydressinggown · 09/10/2013 13:50

Gosh...

CinemaNoir · 09/10/2013 14:35

Oh, good luck then :-)

LisaMedicus · 09/10/2013 15:02

If I had found a post such as that above written by my husband on a thread I had started I would feel as if I had been punched in the face. You have taken away her safe place.

Glenshee · 10/10/2013 12:45

Really, Lisa? Why?..

Glenshee · 10/10/2013 12:48

I read this book recently which talks about some of the issues you are describing: The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts I think the analogy with the languages was spot on, as people express their love in different ways and this is where a lot of misunderstandings and disappointments lie... Good luck!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page