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Original poster

Marriage and erotica

43 replies

AlsoKnownAs17 · 07/10/2013 18:22

I'm a bit embarrassed to ask this so have created a new account especially. I hope no one minds.

Parenting hit our marriage hard and we ended up going to counselling. It helped a lot but we've never really got our love life back. So we recently started going to a sex therapist. (For the record, it was my idea.)

We've been tasked with talking about what each other likes, which has been a bit awkward but we're getting there. I knew H liked porn, which really doesn't bother me, but it's just never work for me. (Please don't think less of me for not being anti-porn - I know a lot of MN members are strongly against it.)

I know H is trying hard, so I've been thinking about trying to find some erotica that would work for both of us. I've had a look as some websites that are supposed to be porn made by women for women, but it still seems quite male oriented, so I was hoping there might be a few mums who might be able to help.

All the DVDs I've seen trailered online have things I don't like, bums being slapped, people being tied up, lesbian or group sex. I don't mind the close up bits, it's just all the sort of sex I don't want me and H to have that I keep finding.

Can anyone help? (Please be gentle with me. I know it's a dangerous subject.)

OP posts:
AnythingNotEverything · 07/10/2013 18:31

I think you'll struggle to find a recommendation from a fellow mumsnetter.

There are lots of free sites online, and you might be best having a good look around them and finding out what the bits you like a normally called. They tend to be sectioned so you can avoid the girl on girl stuff or very hardcore stuff.

You might also find a production company or director who you like.

Have you tried looking at this from the entire other angle ie improving intimacy to improve your sex life?

cjel · 07/10/2013 18:42

have you though of written erotica instead of film?You may find words better than pictures

Justconfused · 07/10/2013 18:47

Agree - always found written erotica more interesting eg Nancy Friday books about sexual fantasies

Twinklestein · 07/10/2013 19:14

Why should you feel like you need to make an effort to like it? If you don't like it you don't like it.

I've never seen supposed female-oriented porn that wasn't actually male-oriented. There aren't many female porn directors anyway. I think it's a myth.

Twinklestein · 07/10/2013 19:15

PS If your husband really really didn't like custard. Would you really want him to try in just to make the marriage work?

LookingThroughTheFog · 07/10/2013 19:16

I was about to go with words over pictures/film. The latter does nothing for me, but the former can be, when well written, awesome. Failing all else, write it.

geminigirl · 07/10/2013 19:18

Yes, I agree with cjel, try reading erotic passages out of a racy book, if you feel awkward then tell himself to close his eyes and whisper it to him. Grin

LookingThroughTheFog · 07/10/2013 19:21

For a safe site to buy erotic fiction, you could try Carina Press (perfectly safe to Google). I'm not convinced by the reading it aloud thing, but it's a personal taste thing. What I read, I don't necessarily want DH to know. I want it in my head, not necessarily in his.

mcmooncup · 07/10/2013 19:31

Do you know why you don't want to have sex with your DH?

mrswalker13 · 07/10/2013 19:39

Agree also with the written: try Anais Nin, you don't even have to go to the special section in the book shop!

Also: do you have to share what you read / watch? Isn't the aim more getting into the right place in your head so you have an amazing time with your DH? I think trying to persuade yourself to watch with him when you're not comfortable is a bad idea. I am an absolute anti and I know it would upset and anger me resulting in no connection with my DH at all.

Fairenuff · 07/10/2013 20:41

Maybe it's porn overload that has stopped your dh from putting the effort into your relationship.

What's the marriage like outside of the bedroom. Do you enjoy being together, laugh a lot, etc.

Pippilangstrompe · 07/10/2013 20:51

Have you tried Erica Lust? She makes porn aimed at a female audience.

www.erikalust.com/

LauraChant · 07/10/2013 20:52

You coud try the Nancy Friday book or a recent update by Emily Dubberley called Garden of Desires I think.

I think they both have such a wide range of fantasies you might find some you like.

Original poster
AlsoKnownAs17 · 07/10/2013 20:54

Oh wow! So many replies so quickly. Thanks everyone for the input (especially those who've done so privately!)

Have you tried looking at this from the entire other angle ie improving intimacy to improve your sex life?
That's something we've been working on too.

have you though of written erotica instead of film?
We've tried reading a couple of books to each other but it didn't work for H. Reading works for me on my own, but I just found the whole exercise too funny when we were trying to share.

Why should you feel like you need to make an effort to like it? If you don't like it you don't like it.
I didn't say I don't like porn. Some aspects of it I quite like, but I'm just struggling to find something without bits that take me out of the moment. (I'm trying not to be too graphic here as I don't think it's the place.)

Do you know why you don't want to have sex with your DH?
I do want to. And he obviously still wants me, which is lovely. But after so long without being intimate together, we've struggled to make things work. It's complicated, and I'm not sure I can explain. Sorry.

do you have to share what you read / watch?
We don't have to. I want to. He's been great with candle lit baths and things like that, which I know don't do great things for him, even if we feed off each other's enjoyment. He likes porn and I want to share things he like with him.

I think trying to persuade yourself to watch with him when you're not comfortable is a bad idea.
Like I said, there are some quite explicit bits that I do quite like, but I don't like things like getting slapped on the bum and when I see them I find it quite distracting.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlsoKnownAs17 · 07/10/2013 21:04

Maybe it's porn overload that has stopped your dh from putting the effort into your relationship. What's the marriage like outside of the bedroom.
I don't think it's porn overload. He doesn't watch it a lot and he knows I don't mind. He watched when we were getting on really well too and it was never a problem then. Relationship counselling helped us a lot in terms of how we are outside the bedroom. Sex therapy is starting to help us like just spending time together as well as it's getting rid of another cause of stress for both of us.

Have you tried Erica Lust?
I'll have a look, thanks.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 07/10/2013 21:06

Look for Petra Joy films - tend to be very woman-friendly. Anna Span is another woman director but her stuff is sometimes a bit more hardcore. As both these directors have very high standards WRT good treatment of their performers etc, it's a matter of personal preference which one's output you go for.

As to erotic fiction (to read by yourself and perhaps gain inspiration from) have a look at the Xcite website, which is mostly written by women and has a clearly-indicated range of stuff ie some is more romantic and some more kinky.

I would recommend My Book but (not wishing to be rude) if you are not keen on BDSM you probably wouldn't like it.

Darkesteyes · 07/10/2013 21:07

OP try the Black Lace books Erotic fiction written by women for women.

Dark Obsession by Fredrica Alleyn is a good one

Nadyas Quest (cant remember who wrote it.
The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea by Cheryl Mildenhall.
These are older titles and ive deliberately picked these because they are pre 50 Shades.

mrswalker13 · 07/10/2013 21:10

What about watching mainstream films that include explicit scenes? My first thoughts are Betty Blue and Don't Look Now. Oh and Body Heat... Avoid Secretary if you don't like BDSM (but it is a brilliant film!)

Darkesteyes · 07/10/2013 21:11

This has been billed/reviewed as erotic fiction for the thinking woman.

www.amazon.co.uk/Valentina-Evie-Blake/dp/0755398874/ref=pd_sim_b_3

Original poster
AlsoKnownAs17 · 07/10/2013 21:42

Look for Petra Joy films - tend to be very woman-friendly. Anna Span is another woman director but her stuff is sometimes a bit more hardcore.
Petra Joy and Anna Span are two I've looked at already. Petra Joy is too much threesomes and slapped bums and looking at "her" trailers, I'm amazed Anna Span is a woman. (Yes I know she's an real woman politician.)

What about watching mainstream films that include explicit scenes?
I think I want something more explicit, but it's worth a thought. How explicit are the films you mention? I've not seen any of them.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 07/10/2013 22:03

Youve not seen Dont Look Now??? Its a classic and one of the most realistic depictions of marital sex ever commited to celluloid

geminigirl · 07/10/2013 22:18

How would you feel about role play? I don't mean dressing up or anything but maybe you could be going in for a massage and your usual masseuse isn't there but would it be ok if the new guy did it??? It may bring up some problem areas if you are uncomfortable pretending that you are both child free singletons but that can pass very quickly if you both get pleasure out of it.....well I would think so anyway....ahem Grin

mrswalker13 · 07/10/2013 22:28

Opening of Betty Blue about as explicit as you get for an 18 rating.

As darkesteyes said: Don't Look Now is a classic. Cuts the sex and the getting dressed afterwards together... It's really intense. The couple are grieving the loss of their child and it's a reconnection.

geminigirl · 07/10/2013 22:34

Ooh, the Thomas Crown Affair has a good few steamy bits in it too, it's also got a great story...you could just stick it on...all casual like.......oh Pierce Brosnan is in it too.....

mrswalker13 · 07/10/2013 23:09

Y Tu Mama Tambien.

Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!

The Brad Pitt bit in Thelma & Louise

My DH is going to be very pleased you started this thread Wink

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