Failing relationship abroad - child involved

[Boomerwang]

I moved to Sweden to be with my boyfriend after only a few months of travelling back and forth to visit. I knew long distance relationships had never worked for me, so this decision was a big one as our relationship hadn't yet developed fully. He'd also told me that he had some debts to pay off but was a little ambiguous about the amount. If I asked questions he would gloss over it so I naively thought he was handling it just fine.

I'd been through a long drought beforehand so I threw myself into it, thinking if I was willing to live in another country then I'd already committed myself so contraception was barely discussed. That's not like me at all, but I was leaving the old me behind and I was excited about the game we were playing, knowing I could become pregnant.

I did. As soon as I got there. Although we had no money, we loved each other and were looking forward to our new baby knowing that our families would provide for us. Sure enough, we had a ton of second hand baby things delivered to us. This was where I wanted to be in life.

Soon the pressure started to build. He lost his job, I wasn't eligible for benefits, our daughter needed new things, I was feeling lonely and worrying about how I'd cope in an emergency since we were so far from the nearest town and I didn't have a car. I wanted to move. He got a new job but his previous attitude towards being jobless and unable to pay the bills remained. He became diagnosed with depression after I urged him to seek help after some violent outbursts. This was also the time I discovered that his debts were a lot larger than I could have ever guessed.

We managed to sell the house when our daughter was 9 months old. We found somewhere to rent near his family. It was then that I realised we hadn't made love since she was 2 months old. She's now 18 months old and we still haven't, apart from one drunken incident which was over as soon as it started. He said he'd lost his desire but that it was slowly coming back. It's been a year now and he's at the same place he was when he said that.

I haven't yet found a job. He's working on a temporary basis at the moment. I cannot receive benefits because I am not Swedish and have never had a job in Sweden, although ironically I've been granted permanent residence here. The bills and the debts are swallowing us alive. I rely solely on my parents to buy my daughter's clothing, and my boyfriends parents to buy our groceries. I've been brought up to take care of myself and before I came here I had my own car, paid my rent, my phone and had no debts at all, so this has been hard to swallow.

My mental health is being tested frequently. I've always had medication for depression before I met my boyfriend, but now it's not handling my emotions sufficiently so I'm currently seeing a therapist. He's good, but he's asking me for my partner's input, which so far he hasn't given.

I'll round this up a bit as it's taking ages and you have probably given up already.

We don't kiss or cuddle, except if he has been drinking. I long stopped trying to initiate intimacy because he didn't respond positively. I gave up bothering with my appearance afterwards. We don't do anything together apart from visit his parents for coffee and that's for the benefit of our daughter who gets to play with toys and her auntie who lives with them. I feel I am just someone who tags along with their son because nobody initiates conversation with me so I either babble embarrassingly about something mundane (that seems to be all I have to share these days) or I drink my coffee and sit in the front room playing on my phone while I wait for my daughter to wake up.

I feel his family consider me to be a burden for their son. I consider myself a burden on my own family because I chose to go to Sweden instead of getting my boyfriend to live with me in England. They now only get to see my daughter twice a year - and they must pay for the flights which means they can't afford to have a holiday and live their own lives as they wish to.

My boyfriend refuses to talk to me about the state of our relationship. I have pointed out that the only thing we have in common is our daughter, and she is probably the only reason we are still together. I've made it clear that I don't want my daughter to grow up without her father, but also that I don't think I could be in a loveless relationship and yet would not want to stay in Sweden if we weren't together. There is no way I would return to England and leave my daughter behind because she is the only happiness I have. I'd like to fix the problem but I don't know how.

I apologise for this being so long but there seems to be so much which contributed to the decline of our relationship.

Can you help me?

I think you need to get legal advice. You're not married and I don't know what the rules are in Sweden regarding access to children for co-habiting partners. I'm sure there must be some precedent for couples in your situation - you can't be the only person ever to want to live separately or in another country to their ex. He doesn't seem too bothered about anything... you, the relationship, your DD, money. See where you stand legally, try to approach it reasonably and take it from there.

Oh dear, do you think I'm at that stage? I suppose deep down I wanted to hear how I could fix things with my boyfriend first, as all other previous attempts have failed after a very short honeymoon period. I've applied for dual citizenship for my daughter but heard nothing back yet after more than two weeks. I'm not sure if having dual citizenship will affect anything if the worst happened. I'll look it up, thanks for the advice.

I could have read it wrong but you appear to be utterly depressed about your relationship, your lack of work, lack of money, or Sweden in general. You could potentially get employed, make some money and integrate better in the society. But your relationship sounds like a one-way street and, since he's also been violent and doesn't appear to care about you at all, I'd have thought it's worth taking legal advice.

Hmm I'm finding it difficult to find anything online about my specific situation, in that custody of my daughter would also involve moving abroad. I suppose that an email is in order, but I'm a bit frightened actually. A child born in Sweden with a family network nearby, fully registered in Sweden and attending a daycare in Sweden will be given to the parent who intends to stay in Sweden, surely?

Oh god...

I've no idea what the rules are in Sweden but that's why I suggest seeing a solicitor. Find out the truth rather than feeling trapped by assumptions. Your case can't be the first example.

Hi Boomer,

I am Swedish but have lived in the UK for many years, so I am not up to scratch with any rules on benefits, but if you want a second opinion on any website text etc, please let me know.

If I remember correctly from friends who have moved back, you can get benefits if you work for just a couple of days, then you are in the system. Do you get child benefit (barnbidrag)? Do you get housing benefit (bostadsbidrag)?

Do you have any friends around you besides from DP s family?

I think it will be very difficult for you to leave Sweden with DD without her fathers approval. Are you likely to get this? Have you discussed going back to the UK with him?

With regards to work, are you in contact with Arbetsformedlingen (job centre)? What do they say? Even if they can't give you a job maybe they can offer you a course or something so you get out of the house and meet new people?

I get barnbidrag but that's all. I've never worked and cannot even find work for one day - I've asked everybody I know. I don't have any friends here, not for lack of trying either (not too hard, I'm not pushy) as I did attend two different baby groups, go to SFI and am out and about often.

I try to discuss going back to the UK but he just goes quiet and seems to have nothing to say.

I took a step back for a few days and thought about HIS life and what it could be like for him. The money situation is so silly that his entire pay packet will go on two months of rent and there's nothing left over. So that means no bills are paid - again. Also his debts are mounting up. Wonderful. However, I thought about how I'd feel if I didn't have him in my life any more and I started shaking. Deep down I don't want to lose him and I sure as hell do not want to start a fight over custody of our daughter. I'm going to have to put up and shut up for a bit longer at least. Our relationship problems are no doubt down to the difficult situation we are in so I'll try to sort that out before considering the drastic approaches.

Thank you all so much for your advice, you really got me thinking.

Penny, arbetsformedlingen are absolutely awful, and even the swedes agree. All I can do is trawl their jobs page and then call in once a month to tell them that yep, I'm still looking for a job. Can they help me? No. No contacts, no links, no nothing. They shrug their shoulders at me. It's like they don't know what to do with someone like me.

Have you spoken to the british consulate? I am sure they have seen this or similar situations before and might be able to help or at least point you in the right direction.