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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

don't know what to do for the best???

17 replies

butty · 29/06/2006 13:34

Hi all,

I need advise as my head is spinning round and round.

As some may know i don't really get on well with DP and havn't done for a long time.

Anyway, i have recently taken on a part time bar job as going to college in september so needed something to fit in with the kids. I did of course get dp's permission before i applied and also when i ws offered the job, of which he agreed.

I have been working shed loads of hours recently due to the world cup, and i decided on my night off last night to go out.

Yes that's fine he replied, so off i went, the problem was i didn't come home till 7.30 this morning as stayed at a mates house as really don't think want to be with him anymore and i've just about had enough so needed to talk to someone.

He lashed out at me when i got home and has give an ultimatum, i either don't go out anymore, or he leaves?????

I'm only with him for the sake of the kids as ds has SN and dd has behavioural problems, and to be honest i am frightened of being on my own.

Please help, what would you do????

OP posts:

meowmix · 29/06/2006 13:38

did he know you were staying out? if not his reaction seems quite understandable - he was prob worried about you and then worried what you were doing ifswim

is it worth trying counselling?

by the way whats all this got permission for the job nonsense? did you really need his permission to work?

HappyDaddy · 29/06/2006 13:38

Sounds like the perfect solution. You don't want to be around him and he leaves. It's a big step but you'll see, sooner than you think that you are strong enough to be happy without him.

If that's really what you want.

Thomcat · 29/06/2006 13:39

So you stayed out, with out telling him, to get a reaction out of him it sounds like, and it worked. So he's backed you into a corner and I reckon that's what you wanted so that you are forced into doing something.

Course you're scared of being on your own mate, who wouldn't be, but your happiness is the main thing. Don't only stay becasue of the kids, they will NOT thank you later. I'd rather live with a single and happy mum then a mummy & daddy who didn't love each other anymore. Kids pick up on these things, better to be alone and happy then together and miserable.

I think you are nearly there you just need a push and that's why you stayed out till 7.30.

Take some time out, on your own, think it all through and if there reaslly is nothing left to do to save the relationship, leave.

Kathlean · 29/06/2006 13:39

Did he know you were going to be out all night? If not that's a bit mean I would have been worried and then extremely pissed off if DP just waltzed in the next morning.

However you cannot give into blackmail about never going out again that is wrong.

If you don't want to be with him let him leave it's not fair on him or you to be stuck in a screwed up realtionship just because you are worried about being on your own. You may find that both of you are happier and healthier apart.

HappyDaddy · 29/06/2006 13:42

I agree with Thomcat.

Kids are NEVER happier to be living with both parents if they aren't getting on. Children always pick up on it and it does affect them.

My dd1 (9) says she's much happier since I left as mum and dad don't argue anymore. And we have regular contact.

essbee · 29/06/2006 13:46

Message withdrawn

Thomcat · 29/06/2006 13:48

There used to be a real atmosphere in my home. Everyone was on eggshells, it was horrid. My dad would get angry with me, my mum would defend me, they would argue, my dad would be even angrier with me, I;d feel shit.

I remember sitting at the top of the stairs when I should have been in bed to see if I could see them cuddle up on the sofa, never did.

They are now divorced and the best of friends and when I was on maternity leave the 3 of us and my girls often got together.

My mum has the most wonderful husband, I utterly adore, beyond words, my step-fatehr.

My dad and I get on really well and he's so happy, really enjoying his life, more than he ever has before.

FioFio · 29/06/2006 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Thomcat · 29/06/2006 14:12

Butty - just sat here at work and realised I didn't say how sorry I was that you are having a shit time. I really am sorry mate and hope you resolve your problems soon and whetver your decision is that you find some happiness in that area of your life.

wannaBe1974 · 29/06/2006 16:08

firstly I don't think that you should have to "ask permission" to work. Yes if I wanted to get an evening job I would discuss it with dh and ask if he minded me going to work considering he'd be home all evening to be there for ds and we would miss out on time together, but that's miles away from getting permission imo. With regard to you staying out until 7:30, I think that's somewhat out of order tbh. If you look on chat there's a thread by a user who was desperately worried about her dp last night as he was uncontactable, to put someone through not knowing if/when you are coming home is very unfair.

If you want him to leave, then let him leave, but you should discuss your feelings with him and try not to make only him out to be the bad guy. It takes two to make a relationship work, and if one party doesn't want it to work then it won't.

Thomcat · 29/06/2006 22:33

You ok Butty?

JellyNump · 29/06/2006 22:38

My friends dd has behavioural problems and she does find it difficult, but she is ok. Do you have close family that can help you out if you need a break? Is it really fair to stay with him if you're not happy? I know there are kids involved but in the long run maybe its better for you to split now?!? Good luck tho.

Original poster

butty · 30/06/2006 09:54

Hi all, thanks for your messages.

Firstly to clarify the stopping out thing, he didn't care where i was as he assumed straight away that i was with another man!!!

I often stay out till early hours when with friend as only see her once in a blue moon and he knows that this happens and has never bothered before??

I tried to talk to him yesterday afternoon, just after posting this message, which is why i am replying now as couldn't really chat with him right next to me.!!

I asked him if he loved me, and he replied "what does it matter"

He said our relationship is crap because i don't "PUT OUT"

I explained how unhappy i am and that it would be nice for us to spend time together and as a family, but he wasn't interested as he stated that i need earn, by way of sex!!!!!

We have never done anything together as a family, and i hate it.

I pay all the bills, the shopping, you name it, i pay it.

He gives me £30.00 per week towards everything which is totally unacceptable, but i give up arguing so all i get goes on everything. He has now even had the cheek to start paying me £15.00 a week as he said he is keeping back his babysitting money

I give up, totally and utterly, can't be arsed with him anymore, so i need to move on.

I am just scared, and i don't have much in the way of family and support.

Anyway, thanks for your responses.

Butty.xxx

OP posts:

mell2 · 30/06/2006 10:57

Oh butty, i really feel for you. Hope someone comes on soon with some good advice - i am just wondering what you are getting out of this relationship? Take carexxx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/06/2006 11:50

You certainly do need to move on and away from him. This man has shown you no respect or consideration whatsoever either to your good self or your children. It has been this way for a long while now hasn't it?.

You say you are only with him for the children but he has doen sweet fa for them as well. You haven't even all been out as a family.

His prescence is not doing your children any good either as they are picking up on the atmosphere between you both.

Don't be scared and watch your life from 50 feet. Make that first step to your own independence, you will all be a lot happier.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied, he will continue to drag you down with him if you were to stay with him. Your children will not thank you for staying with such a man either.

Thomcat · 30/06/2006 13:20

oph babes Natural to be scared but tbh you don't sound like you're getting any support anyway. Better to be on your own and then you can just crack on and not be irritaed by wanting him to suddenly change and start helping. On your own you'll know where you stand. Once you make the final decision and that ball is in motion it's all gonna feel a lot less scary, it's just this initial step. Be brave, we're all here for you, you'll be happy gain soon. TC xx

heavenis · 30/06/2006 13:33

Hi Butty
I remember your posts from a while back. If he is going to move out let him. Is the house jointly owned or do you rent.
There have been other threads recently about becoming a single parent. Get in touch with places like Gingerbread and see if they can do anything for you.
at he keeps babysitting money WTF.

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