I've posted a few times this week.
DH walked out on Tuesday (together 6 years) without much explanation, although I knew we were having troubles...I put it down to a "rough patch".
We have been around each other a bit as he's been seeing our DD (nearly 3). We've also started talking (first by letter, now face to face) and I know why he's walked out.
He was abused as a child (physically, not sexually) from a very young age throughout his childhood, right up until he was 16, by his Dad. He had a history of violence and anger issues (not towards women, I had no fear for my safety) as a result of this and he's never really dealt with it. All he did was self-medicate with drink and drugs (on and off).
He hasn't been in any trouble since we've been together. He says I keep him grounded and make him want to be a better person. However he told me a couple of days ago the reason he left was because he's terrified of hurting us. He swings from having violent thoughts and wanting to take them out on people, to wanting to kill himself so he can't hurt anyone.
He came round tonight and really opened up to me. He stopped drinking a month or so ago and he's started remembering things from his childhood. When he was 2 his Dad poured a boiling kettle into his lap, leaving him with burns to the point he needed surgery. At 6 years old he tried to kill himself. He thought if he put a belt round his wrist and jumped off the stairs that would work...but he just dislocated his shoulder and his Dad slapped him and left him hanging there while laughing at him. He used to sleep with comic books wrapped around his body under his pyjamas in case his Dad would beat him in the night. He completely broke down in front of me. He's terrified of becoming his Dad and said he'd rather kill himself than put us through that. He feels it's in his DNA so why try and fight it.
I genuinely feel he did the right thing in leaving, even though I love him more than anything. He's admitted he needs help and has taken the number of the mental health response team. He's going to call them tomorrow and tell them about his feelings, he says they're getting harder and harder to control and he's scared of what he might do.
I don't really know why I posted, I just needed to get it all out. He says he loves me and that we deserve better so he's going to get help and then see if he's ready to come back. He refuses to until he's stopped having these feelings.
Does anyone here have any experience of abuse survivors? Living with them? Being married to them? I feel he has every right to be very angry at the world...I really hope he can sort himself out. The fact he's admitted these things and that he's taken it upon himself to get help before he's actually done anything gives me hope...but I feel like I've lost him and I don't even blame him.