Cross with my DM, not sure what to do

[elportodelgato]

Come and tell me I am an awful daughter, I know I am

My parents divorced when I was 7, me and my siblings ended up with my dad as my mum left to move in with the OM she was seeing. My DF did a great job raising us, it was the 80s, men didn't really do that kind of thing, he really made it clear he wanted custody.

She married the OM, my DF remarried too. DF is still married to his 2nd wife but my DM is currently single. Relatively recently she moved from the part of the country she had lived in for 25 yrs to the part of the country where we live. She actually lives about 10 mins away now, which is possibly a bit too close for me but we weren't exactly consulted on the move IYSWIM.

DH and I have kids now, and she is a great help, comes over one night a week to do school run, often helps at weekends, sometimes has them for sleepovers etc. the kids love her, she loves being close to them.

I think the problem is with me. In her efforts to be extra helpful, I sometimes feel there is an implied criticism of my parenting eg: she will buy an item of clothing for the kids which is completely unnecessary but SHE clearly thinks they a) need it and b) that I am not providing it. It's lovely when she buys them little treats but things like clothes, shoes etc I feel are our responsibility & I feel she's treading on my toes. I know this is stupid and she is trying to help.

The other thing is that I find myself increasingly cross towards her as my DC approach the age that I was when she left. Looking back at it now, I think she was really selfish and I can recall instances when she really just did what she wanted eg: we would see her in the school hols but one year she just decided to go abroad for the whole6 weeks, meaning we didn't see her & my dad as stuck with the long summer to cover on his own while working FT. At the time I didn't question it but now I am. I can't understand how she made those decisions.

It seems unfair to me that she was so absent and selfish when I was a child and yet now she gets to be the grandma who lives down the road and sees the kids every week. The other GPs see us much less often due to distances involved.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling. The main point is that after too much to drink last night I had a terrible row with her about all this. I was so so cross. I felt like I really wanted to push her away. I don't want her living so close to us and so involved in our lives, I don't feel she deserves it and I resent the implied criticism of the job I am doing as a parent when she basically absconded from the role.

I called her this morning, we talked, I apologised, she cried. I am not sure where to go from here. I feel like I need to put distance between us but I know she would find that heartbreaking.

Lots of issues here. I had a difficult relationship with my dad , similar to yours but in reverse.
I think that you have to get over this for your own sanity as well as to help the relationship between gp and gc.
You are not that little girl that is hurting , wanting her mummy any more you are a grown woman, and as such you can see that yes she was a crap mum, she was human and made mistakes.
As a mother yourself imagine that moment when you realised you have fucked up so badly that you have left your children

I am sure she is sincere in her relationship with you and your children and the clothes and shoes etc, my mum buys them for my children all the time, I think that's normal. Not a criticism. And actually a lot of the time they do that to help you out, not criticise.

I got over it. Now I have a good relationship with my dad

I do think it's you with years of pent up anger, you need to let this go otherwise you are still hurting

Have you ever had the chance to sit down with your mum and really talk about the years during/after your parents divorce? It may help to relieve any hurt and anger you're feeling now if you can get it out in the open, and your mum may be able to shed some light on her behaviour and choices. It might not be a good light, but it could be a step toward rebuilding your relationship?

It sounds to me like you've made a good start. You need to process what you went through, you need to realise how what she did has made you feel. And I do think you need to be able to tell her this as well. Doing all this should help you on the way to putting the past behind you. For now you could probably do with a breather though, if you need a bit of time away from her whilst you try to sort out your feelings that's ok - just tell her you need a bit of distance for the time being.

If and when you talk with her again I'd try my best not to be cross or playing the blame game whilst also still just trying to be honest about how you feel. I don't think we can really get over things when we keep trying to push them down inside of us.

I am with maddy in that I'm sure she's sincere in wanting a relationship with you and your children, it would be a shame to shut her out completely.

And to echo maddy above, every time DS goes to stay with granny (DM) or nanny (MIL), or either of DP's aunts for that matter, he comes home in a completely new outfit. I don't feel criticised, I know they can't help themselves!

Thank you maddy, you talk sense, I really appreciate your response. I know I am a grown up now and it was all so long ago. Maybe it's partly that she just sort of landed in our local area without any kind of discussion about whether it was a good idea for all of us. Sometimes we don't see her that much but other weeks I feel a bit suffocated. She means well but she can be annoying and I find myself increasingly wanting to close off from her, not tell her too much about what we're up to etc.

You are right though. I know she has felt guilty for what she did back then, I know it must have been awful for her too. Perhaps I am cross that she was so weak & foolish, I am a lot stronger person than she is, she talks like she's in control but she makes odd decisions and she crumbles easily. I feel bad for making her even sadder

Thanks Dizzy, I know I need to talk to her properly eventually, even though I really REALLY would rather not. My siblings have talked it through with her to varying degrees, but I have not. I think you are right that I need a breather, I am sure she would be fine with that, I do need some head space, I shocked myself by how angry I was last night

It is very hard to be a parent and realising the extent of your own parents mistakes. I wonder if your mum sees you being a better parent than she was and is now trying to prove to herself that she is a good Gp. She may also be trying to atone for abandoning her DC by overcompensating as a Gm. For your own sake you need to have some boundaries from her but that is not easy. I try to hug my mum and say I love you......and sometimes I believe it.

She has moved back into your life after 25 years - that is a long time so really you probably aren't close, maybe you don't even know each other well, you certainly don't know each other's lives while you were apart so it's reasonable for you to find this new 'friendship' a strain.

Also, now you are a mum you will feel differently towards someone who apparently chose not to be there for you.

I second the talking through your feelings, surely she will understand any anger on your part, also you need to hear her side of things. Then maybe you can arrange things afresh so that they suit you both.