How involved should you be in your teen's relationships with their peers?

[DreadyM]

Hello there!

I have always wondered how involved you should be in your teen's relationship with their peers?

Coming from a West Indian background, my relationship with my single-parent mother was based on respect and somewhat fear. I knew right from wrong so could be trusted to make the correct decisions outside of the home because it was installed from within the home first (i.e. respect for elders, doing chores, having a strong mind, knowing right from wrong etc...) however at the same time, I distanced my 'personal' relationships with my mum i.e. my first 'boyfriend' or 'crush' because, in the home that just was not talked about or discussed; as far as my mum was concerned, she sent me to school for one thing only: to learn. Dare I 'learn' about liking the opposite sex and relationships, quite frankly, released the fear of God in me. So relationships were never a spoken topic because as a teen, I didn't feel comfortable doing so with my mum.

I am interested to know from this discussion:

Is there a struggle parents find to keep that 'healthly' balance with your teenager to be their parent as well as having an honest and trustworthy relationship with them?

And, are there any tips or any helpful suggestions on how you can get to know your teenagers friends?

Thank you
DreadyM (Melissa)

ds is 12.5 and pretty much sorts out his own social life. I seem to have a constant stream of teens back here after school and at weekend so know all his friends, they're a lovely bunch of kids.

He would rather die than discuss girls with me though

Mine over share to the point of me squirming

Is this for your own use or are you maybe writing about it? How old are your children and what issues are you facing with them?

Their friends are here all the time. It's wearing sometimes but worth it. I don't get involved past talking to the kids if they bring something up. IME getting involved in girl spats only ended up stressing me out, as the girls invariably made up ten seconds later...

My almost 13 yo dd shares what she needs to with me. She has a small group of close friends who I have met (plus their mums) plus a wider group who I do not know. She insists she has no interest in boys . Problems within the group of friends are talked about with me and I try to give her another perspective. However, if I ask anything about her day it's frowned upon, she has to initiate the conversation.

I think you need to say why you need this help and if you are digging for info for some academic exercise or similar.

I have always seen the sense in not being your child's 'friend'. I am their Mother and they'll only have one of those. However I try to maintain a friendly relationship with my children but they do know where the line is re being disrespectful. They have been taught to respect my role as their parent even if they do not agree with all that I say. I can't say I've struggled with finding a balance as I've never wanted to be seen as a friend and am a bit about parents who do describe themselves as their children's 'best friend'. Sounds to me like a parent who doesn't want to grow old especially when you see a certain 'type' of woman who dresses like her daughters and likes to be seen more as an older sister. How can you maintain appropriate boundaries and teach appropriate boundaries by example if there are none? I do expect my children to respect my privacy in the way I do theirs. For example, I would never discuss my sex life with my children- those aspects of my life are private.

I don't have deep or intimate conversations about sex with them although I do talk about the feelings underpinning human relationships. I have talked about sexual health, about respect, truth and treating partners kindly and with decency but wouldn't feel comfortable discussing aspects of my or their sex lives per se. They know they can come to me about anything though and they know that I am pretty much un-shockable and non judgemental.

My parents were severe, cold and unloving. I was scape goated by both of them so I have a good model of what NOT to do as a parent although I am sure I have made a good measure of Larkin like mistakes of my own!

I was never encouraged to bring friends home, nor did my friends want to stay at my house because the atmosphere was pretty grim. This has made me aspire to a home that really welcomes the friends of my children and I will happily accommodate as many as they bring over. I was very happy when my children told me their friends had commented upon how much they like our home and how happy it seems. I love feeding hordes of older teenagers and the mid twenty year old friends of my DD. My daughter is much like this too in her own home and is always catering to hordes of friends. It is lovely to see the kind of home your children make for themselves when they leave and it gives you a kind of reflection back of what they learned from you.

Thank you guys for your responses. @missbopeep of course I agree. I am a young adult author but I am in no way a researcher or looking to share this with anyone outside this network/chat. I respect confidentiality. This is a question that I have always wondered in terms of my personal relationship with my mother and wondered how easy it is to really have that healthy balance with your child and I wanted to share that question. I am merely interested and wanted advice. I hope that clears up your question?
I agree with some of the comments, I think it's important to be the parent and not try to confuse the two. My mother was loving (but not in the lovey, dovey kind of way) like most caribbean/African parents love in the home is expressed differently I.e. through providing, being clothed, working hard etc. And not necessarily to form 'friendships'. Now even though what I experienced with my mum worked well for me in regards to our relationship, I'm not sure I want to install that level of strictness in my relationship with my children (when the time comes to that) as I think it is important to know what your child is up to/the type of friends they keep and I want to feel they can come to me with their problems but still maintain that level of respect and so the question was raised: how involved should you be in your teens relationship with their peers? And how is that achieved? I was hoping from this chat I could get some advice and it has put me at ease to know a right balance is achievable.

My niece for example is in year 8 and is starting to become more sociable..she recently signed up to Instagram which my sister and I didn't take to kindly to- these types of social media platforms and interaction with peers on that level can easily become unmanageable. Of course, trust plays a big part in that too, still the thought is scary and when my niece is stopped from going on these sites/ questioned about her friends etc. I see a level of her holding back.

I too had a very fairly distant relationship with my parents. I felt them to be very judgmental and controlling so kept myself to myself around them. Friendships including boyfriends were largely an out of the house thing. Information was provided on a need to know basis and they didnt need to know.

With my own DCs I try to be less judgmental and controlling. I dont need to know their friends or know in minute detail what they are up to. What I do want is for my DCs to be happy. I try to provide guidance rather than strict laws which must be obeyed.