How do I help him?

[Namechange4565]

Hi,

I don't know if this is the right board and I wouldn't usually ask this type of thing but I can't find help anywhere at the moment.

A couple of months I discovered DH had been using Internet sex chat rooms and this has been an issue on and off for many years. We've been arguing, making up etc since and he has actively sought counselling which starts properly in two weeks.

However, I always had the gut feeling that he hadn't been honest with what had happened in the chat rooms and finally got the truth a few days ago.

We had been exploring a bit in the bedroom and he discovered that he liked his backside being played with. Somehow in his head this translated to being gay or bisexual and he'd gone onto a site he'd used before to try and figure his head out.

He (and I'm not sure how) ended up to talking to a man who rather than assuring him that this could be normal for a straight man, pushed the bisexual idea on him, pestered him to meet up and tried to initiate a web cam so he could "perform" in front of DH, none of which DH was comfortable with or wanted. Having seen him in tears over this, I believe him wholeheartedly.

He then spent the next couple of months trying to figure out what he was attracted to as he wasn't turned on by men or women on that site but had no issues in the bedroom with me until I found pictures of one of the women on the computer and the whole thing went bang.

This is the back story. The issue now is although I've helped him to sort his head out with regards to sexuality, how do I help him get over the online encounter with the man? He seems very vulnerable and frightened of where his confusion could have lead him.

Thanks in advance for any help and sorry for the length of the post.

Why are you driving yourself nuts when he is treating you so disrespectfully?

He's not vulnerable at all.

He was only crying because you caught him out, all cheats do that.

He had all these online encounters because he wanted to because he likes doing that.

How are YOU doing to get over the way he has treated you?

Yes, he's really done a number on you hasn't he?

If his version is true he is so pitiable I would not have a shred of respect left for him at all. He clearly has no respect for himself and consequently you and your relationship.

If not, well then he's a master manipulator who has artfully managed to get you to think his bad behaviour is your problem...

How do you help him?

By dumping him and teaching him that behaving like a dirty skank is unacceptable.

Unless you like it that is.

How many chances does he get?

Also love the spin on him meeting another guy for sex.
He must think you button up the back.

He must be rubbing his hands with glee.

Come on, lovely, look with your eyes and listen with your ears. Don't be flanneled by his sobbing.

Ok, that's definitely a different perspective on things! In a way I'm relieved to get to the root of this sorry mess. We've split up twice in the last two months and he knows that our children are my priority.

I know he hasn't met anyone. He doesn't go out, he doesn't have many friends and he prefers to spend days off with me and the children.

He isn't clever enough to be a manipulator - he's not managed once in 13 years. I just haven't seen him this low or scared before.

Who cares what the sordid root of it all is? This specimen thinks it's ok to trawl for extra marital jollies then sob all over you when he gets bitten. And you allow this, why?

I think the reason we've all reacted with suspicion is that it sounds like another situation where man shits all over relationship and woman strives to fix the damage... Unhealthy...

You're not giving the impression there is much in this for you. A pathetic and unintelligent man you clearly have lost respect for, you've split up with twice recently and who has been touting himself about on sex sites...

I don't think you should fall into the trap of explaining away his terrible behaviour and lack of responsibility for it by him feeling really sad/low. Being really low doesn't make you shit all over your relationship, being really low and feeling entitled to shit on the relationship as a way of making yourself feel better does.

No I appreciate that. It's a bit Jekyll and Hyde. The children and I get the nice guy who is always there, pulls his weight around the house, is very affectionate and loving, you get the idea. Then every so often, there's the other side when he doesn't know how to express something, then he ties himself up in knots. Counselling is a must and he knows this whether we do stay together long term or not. He's not unintelligent, he just doesn't know how to play mind games. I've made it quite clear that any sign of any chat room ever again and I'll make sure every single person he knows and works with hears the whole story. He also knows I'll do it.

Yeah yeah.

Please don't be naive!!

P.S. The next time you split up STAY split up! This guy is not worth any more of your time.

And how are you going to enforce this online ban?
By checking up, installing spyware?
You are setting yourself up for another fall if you think that is the answer.
If there is no trust and mutual respect, you can manage his behaviors all you like but it will destroy you sooner or later.
Your man knows now that trawling for jollies is not a deal breaker for you. What real incentive does he have to change? Words and sobs are cheap.

I don't agree with people on here actually. You would need someone to be a real good actor to pull the fright/tears etc... card as he has been.
The fact he went onto a chat room to talk about his sexuality wo talking to you first doesn't make me uncomfortable. After all that's what most people on MN do when they have a relationship issue. They might talk about it on here first before having a proper word to their partner.

However, I don't think that there is a lot you can do about it. He needs to talk to a counsellor on a one to one basis and clear all that out.

There is also a need for you two to talk about the chat rooms etc... Because this is clearly not something you find acceptable and he has gone over your wishes several times now.
And the fact that you seem to want to 'help him', 'make him better', ie see his wellbeing as your responsibility. Which it isn't. This is (esp at that level) is HIS responsibility. You can't take all his problems on your shoulders and make them yours.

Not sure it can be true that he doesn't know how to play mind games when you describe him as Jekyll and Hyde...

eh ?

Why is it your responsibility to "help" this sexually incontinent nobber to figure out why and how he can make a fool of you ?

Help yourself love, and tell him to fuck right off.

< shakes head in disbelief >

He (and I'm not sure how) ended up to talking to a man who rather than assuring him that this could be normal for a straight man, pushed the bisexual idea on him, pestered him to meet up and tried to initiate a web cam so he could "perform" in front of DH, none of which DH was comfortable with or wanted.

Well, first of all, the reason he ended up talking to a man was because, well... he broached the subject with the man!

The reason the man pushed the bisexual aspect of this was, I assume because it was a gay or bisexual chatroom.

The man pestered him to meet up - why didn't your DH just leave the chatroom? He wanted to perform in front of your DH. Why didn't your DH just say, "No thanks, I'm not bisexual."?

Crying about it all is just stupid. I used to go into chatrooms and yes, people would send a private message asking if I was into something or other and I'd just say, "No thanks." They then would just leave well alone as they were in there looking for likeminded people.

Your husband would not have been in a straight chatroom - nobody who is gay or bisexual and is wanting a man-to-man experience hangs about in a straight chatroom, ffs.

Did you witness his online mansplaining?