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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Are they all just twats?

23 replies

FennCara · 06/10/2013 08:40

First time I have had sex since ex-H left me for OW while I was pregnant.

It was rough. I mean, really rough. I believe he heard 'no strings' as 'do whatever you want and I'll let you'.
I told him it was massively painful & pushed him off. He did pull out, but then knelt on my leg and left a massive bruise. Then I shouted to get off and he did, and I left.

He then sent a load of "frigid bitch" texts and I've now blocked his number.

I have also had an onslaught of emails from OW this week as she has realised the true nature of my ex, and apparently this is something I can help her with. No love, go away. How did you not realise this, given the circumstances?

Sigh. I would cry if I cared.

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 06/10/2013 08:42

I think you have had a lucky escape.

There are nice men around, but it might take a while to meet one.

Sorry you've had a horrible experience.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2013 08:54

Have you considered reporting this sexual assault to the police? They're not 'all twats' and what you're describing there goes way beyond twattery and well into criminal behaviour. Appalling.

3littlefrogs · 06/10/2013 08:58

I don't know that it could be classified as an assault. Presumably there was consent and he did stop when the op told him to.

It could have turned out very badly though.

Original poster

FennCara · 06/10/2013 08:58

I have considered it. How seriously do they take it though? I went willingly, he did stop.

OP posts:

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho · 06/10/2013 08:58

I think no strings sex is something you have to be very emotionally strong for.

They aren't all twats. Just make sure you really are ready for it as certainly with a no strings thing people can be selfish.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2013 09:02

They would take it very seriously. It may have been consensual but it was aggressive, turned nasty enough to leave bruises and he's been verbally abusing you via text ever since. He may already be known to them.

Lizzabadger · 06/10/2013 09:03

Ignore the OW.

Don't have any more contact with this man (and I wouldn't bother reporting).

Maybe stop dating and work on building up a life for yourself in other ways.

Original poster

FennCara · 06/10/2013 09:07

I think I'm tough enough for no-strings providing it isn't vile. I've done it in the past and it was fine. I really don't want a relationship at the moment.

I may report it based on that, Cogito.

OP posts:

LyraSilvertongue · 06/10/2013 09:15

I don't believe the police would take it seriously at all so reporting it would be a waste of time. Better to put it behind you and move on.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2013 09:26

It may not be an emergency '999' situation and it may not lead to a prosecution but, as said earlier, this man may already be on their radar for similarly violent behaviour and the OP's information could be the corroborating evidence they need.

ZiaMaria · 06/10/2013 09:37

If he was aggressive enough to bruise you, he should be reported. If only sp he is on the police radar.

WhiteandGreen · 06/10/2013 09:42

The bruise sounds like and accident to me.

HandragsAndGladbags · 06/10/2013 09:45

You poor thing

Not sure I would report, but that depends on how you feel - I'm not trying to minimise.

I used to despair of finding a nice bloke, and used to think my DF and DB's couldn't be the only good men in the world. And they aren't - DH is another one

Original poster

FennCara · 06/10/2013 09:47

The kneeling wasn't an accident, though I doubt he meant to leave a bruise. Who would intentionally do that?

OP posts:

BaldricksTurnip · 06/10/2013 09:49

This is a difficult one OP. If you feel something was amiss in the way the guy behaved then go with your gut and report. Thing is you were consenting and he did stop when you asked so he hasn't actually done anything illegal IYSWIM. I would be very careful about the whole 'no strings' thing too. I can't see the point in it personally, and meeting people for this purpose could very easily lead you into a dangerous situation. If you want to meet people why not try joining a class or group so that the focus is on something else and it's all a bit less in your face? Look after yourself.

DameFellatioNelson · 06/10/2013 09:56

I think you need to think very carefully before you report this, about whether it really was a sexual assault or just an unfortunate incident with a very clumsy, selfish lover who was incapable of reading the signals that he was getting it all wrong. And it was wrong for you but it might have been right up someone else's street. One person's 'rough' is another person's 'animal passion.' That's the problem. Things like this are a minefield.

He was a crap shag, and an ungracious knobhead to verbally abuse you afterwards, but those are the risks you take when you bed someone for the first time. You obviously hurt his pride, and if the tables were turned and someone kicked you out of bed halfway through because they didn't much like your style perhaps you'd have sent an angry, insulting text as well.

I'm not blaming you, or defending him. I'm just saying that unless you are absolutely sure he meant to physically hurt you on purpose then I would not report it. It can't possibly go well for you given that you consented to sex with him, and he stopped when you told him to. You will be opening yourself up for a ton of grief. Just put it down to experience and move on.

Meow75 · 06/10/2013 10:05

Ok, so he was upset at coitus interruptus but the texts!!!!

Is he actually 14 y o?!?! Next he'll be telling you "men have needs you know!!"

Report him, not for the sex itself but the wankerish behaviour afterwards!!!

Frigid?! He should have apologised for hurting you, though hopefully by accident, MAYBE nipped off to the bathroom, "to wash his hands" (have a wank) and then come back and give you a cuddle and say "S'ok. Perhaps if we try this again, we could go more gently"

Having said that, his "do what you want" disclaimer makes him an arsehole anyway!!

WhiteandGreen · 06/10/2013 10:07

Report him for sending shitty texts after? Seriously?

Meow75 · 06/10/2013 10:07

As for the OW. Tell her to fuck off.

She's made her bed ... You know the rest, quite literally!!!

Thisisaeuphemism · 06/10/2013 10:09

I wouldn't report this.

He is a twat- and no not all men are like this.

What a horrible experience for you op. hope you feeling better.

ToTheTeeth · 06/10/2013 10:15

Being a dick isn't a crime.

Meow the cuddling understanding sounds lovely, but is that going to happen with no strings attached sex with a stranger? This isn't even a friends with benefits situation. OP you say NSA works for you, but did you not think having a kid might be a game changer? First sex after birth is very emotional and difficult. Not something you'd normally involve a stranger in!

Original poster

FennCara · 06/10/2013 10:44

ToTheTeeth interesting point. I get that, but I'm never that emotional when it comes to sex. I just don't like being shoved around, bruised or insulted.

If I had gone on a bike ride with him, and he'd bruised me because I'd wanted to stop and go home, I would feel equally pissed off. Particularly if I then got a string of 'lazy bitch' texts.

OP posts:

Offred · 06/10/2013 10:54

Your choice if you want to report it OP. I normally favour reporting just in case. Unsure about sexual assault. I believe the bruise may be considered a battery or ABH at most but the texts are considered harassment and I agree they are worse and I think he should have a little visit from the police about those.

Not all men are like this, he sounds horrific and if he can do this with a new partner highly likely he is much much worse with a regular one. Lucky escape, well done for handling it how you did but poor you, horrible experience. :(

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