Can it end "well"?

[SanctuaryMoon]

Together 5 years, married 3, 1 small dc. we live in the UK but I'm from abroad. I have nothing here except for husband, child and job. no other family and not really made any friends. he is a wonderful man and an awesome father. we are good friends but I am so desperately unhappy. I don't know if it is me that is the problem and I am struggling to determine the cause of my unhappiness. loneliness, I think. aside from work it's just hubby and the dc for company. we both work full time, and the house is a tip.

I feel very strongly that I want to leave, but I cannot face a life that is even more isolated than this one. if we separated I would want to move home, but I don't feel that I can take his child to the other side of the world. He isn't a bad man in any way, I don't want to hurt him.

I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by posting this, as it is clear that I am stuck both in my marriage and the country. But any advice on how to make the most of it is very welcome.

I don't usually suggest counselling, I think it's too often trotted out as an easy answer. But I think in your case if you're really not sure what's wrong then ending your marriage seems a drastic and potentially very damaging next step. Maybe try counselling either as a couple or a pair to see if you can get to the bottom of what's wrong.

Why do you assume you would be taking your child with you?

I don't mean to assume anything really. he wouldn't want to be without dc and neither would I, but if we split I wouldn't want to stay in the country. Sorry, I'm not explaining myself very well.

Do you mean you want to leave your marriage or leave the UK or both?

What is your relationship like with your husband? Do you love him? Are you in love with him? You haven't really described your relationship here so I am not sure what advice to give you. If the house is a tip then I assume neither of you have the time to do any chores, so I am left wondering whether you have time to spend quality time together.

You do sound very down and fatalistic, it seems even a separation would not necessarily make you happy. Tackling the loneliness is essential. Why have you not made any friends? What do you do when you have time off (assuming you do not work 7 days a week).

Lots of questions, I know, but I want to understand what's making you so sad.

OP I am in a similar situation and just started a similar thread

I go back and forth between leaving and trying to make things work. Sometimes I swing from one to the other several times in an hour.

I don't have any advice but am here to listen to what others have to say to you.

Have you spoken to him? Does he know you are unhappy? Did you live in the UK before marriage?

What would be better about leaving? What would change? Lots of questions but you aren't really clear in your post what is stopping you enjoying your life.

If you feel lonely or homesick then he needs to know if it's seriously threatening the relationship. It is very easy for anyone to get locked into a rut of doing nothing but work and home life. Building a social life often goes on the back-burner when you're tied up with family and it's so important to make the effort. Would a trip back to your home country to see old friends/family help you feel more positive or does it run deeper than that?

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my hasty post yesterday, and I'm sorry that I haven't been back. I've been thinking about all of your questions, but I haven't got many answers. I do sound very fatalistic though and even I am frustrated by my black and white view of things, ie things aren't so great right now, so clearly the answer is to pack it in

My marriage isn't awful, and I expect it's fairly run of the mill stuff that is getting me down, like a house that is a tip, broken sleep thanks to the toddler, and general weariness that is life as a working parent. If there is anything bad about my marriage, it's me - I'm always angry, hot and cold with hubby, and full of resentment. My husband is a good man and a good friend and an awesome father - but I'm bored with our life and I feel incredibly lonely.

We talk now and then about my frustration but we just fall into the same old routines of me bitching about the house and some how blaming him for my loneliness, even though it is not his fault.

I feel silly for posting now, though this does feel unbearable at times. I feel like I want to leave him because I am so unhappy, but I don't think that will make me happy either. I guess this is just life?

I also live in another country with my DH and toddler. His country. It is isolating and miserable at times. I think you need to separate what is culture shock, what is missing home and family, what is the marriage, what is just being a working parent and what can be fixed.

My DH is conscious of the fact that he didn't want to move and I moved instead so he 'owes me'. Not in a bad way but he understands that I need flights home, family to visit etc. It helps.

As you both work FT get a cleaner for the house? Only you know why you have no friends. Work out why that is, work on it, sort it out. There's the black & white answer ;-)

I agree with others that leaving is drastic but you are facing up to the fact that there is a problem that needs dealing with.

That's positive so work with that. I felt lonely and isolated after having DS and I'm not miles from my country of birth.

You also don't appear to have anything negative to say about DP which is refreshing.

Having a child isn't easy. But you sound quite depressed and running away isn't the answer - would it make you happier? Presumably you would still have to work, still have a house to look after and your child?

Counselling is banded around all too easily but I think it could help you - individually and as a couple.

Women in particular can feel very directionless for quite sometime after having a child. Sounds like you need to find you again.

I do this when things get a bit much for me- write a list of what's wrong and how to make it better. You dh might like to join in, for he may have hopes and dreams. We currently are abroad with no friends and family around and its very hard sometimes.

Can you afford a cleaner? Have a look at the cost of someone coming and doing a big clean and tidy then coming after once or twice a week. Look for adverts in your village shop and post office.

Money. Get organised with money, so you don't waste any spare, tesco club cards for days out etc.

Have something to look forward to, get it on the calendar. A weekend away, a night out with your dh, a night in with your dh and no tv, a holiday, Christmas... This is really important otherwise time goes by and isn't punctuated by anything.

Excerise or sport - do something. Do you play netball? Try a sport where you make friends. Or a hobby or interest like a book club at night. Or you an dh can do, with your ds on a baby carrier for now, like geo chasing at weekends.

Make yourself do things. You have to want to change it. Your dh sounds nice by the the, and you :)

Sanctuarymoon, just a thought, but could you have had pnd and not had any help? It might be worth seeing your gp just to talk about it.

I totally could have written that OP. I'm in almost exactly the same situation. I am following this thread to see how things work out for you, OP.

I'm currently getting counselling but I have one session left out of three and although I always leave them feeling positive and looking forward to doing the 'homework' he gives me, I go back feeling like I've failed it.

This seems to be quite common then? I mean feeling this way after completely changing your life to be with someone else?