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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you tell your friends.... And how?

16 replies

Nannyme1 · 05/10/2013 21:04

Sorry long post but really need advice.

i have some very good adult friends we have been friends for only about 16mths one of the a bit lo ger but we all just clicked and became good friends really fast. Since we met as adults they don't know about my past.

As a teenager I suffered severe depression which was treated with ECT, anorexia moved onto bulimia when I was to have it be classed as anorexic and also self harm. Although I have maintained a healthy weight for nearly 10 years I have always has disordered thoughts when it comes to food and also myself appearance. Things are getting bad again I'm towards the low end of a healthy weight (and wanting to go lower), exercising a lot and self harming quite regularly the last two weekends I have really struggled and have no one where for support. I'm from the other side of the world, don't have a dr here or any family.

I have been wondering if I should tell my friends I'm struggling or not. I know they would come to me I a heart beat if they thought I was in trouble or just having a down day but I think the time for telling them has passed and if I tell them now its like I have kept it from them which I have cause I didn't want them to think I was fucking crazy.

I'm fairly sure they would help and support me, although not much they can do. Just don't want to be known as the crazy friend. They wouldn't say things to me but I do t want them talking about me when I'm not there saying I'm fucking crazy but they feel they now have to be friends with me... Or is this just me being paranoid.

What would you do? If tell them... How???

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2013 21:25

They are your friends. Think about what you would do for them. Give the gift of trust and tell them about yourself. Allow them to help you. They won't bitch about you, but they may well discuss ways to help you - that's what you would do, isn't it?

Please, please let them help you.

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 05/10/2013 21:27

Tell them, you need to talk to soneone

Overtaken · 05/10/2013 22:02

Why don't you have a doctor? You need to register with a doctor asap and go for a health check.

Definitely tell your friends - real friends will want to support you. You can do it very simply and just put it out there, 'How are you? 'Fine' How are you?' 'I'm not doing too good at the moment, actually. I suffered from a severe eating disorder a few years back and I'm struggling with it again'.

The chances are they will have noticed and be worried about you already. Open up to them.

flatbellyfella · 05/10/2013 22:04

I also think you need to tell them your problems, you certainly need help if its come to self harming again.
After working for many months with a young girl from over seas, she gained my confidence & out came a huge amount of problems like yours,especially the self harming, plus a huge amount of childhood nightmares she had gone through. It took lots of time to listen to, & get her to write down all of the details of her pain. I am pleased to say,it's all come good for her & she is in a very good place now & is in a loving relationship.

Missbopeep · 05/10/2013 22:16

Contact BEAT- eating disorder charity and they have a helpline etc.

You sound as if you really need professional help not just the support of friends. If you are here living and working then you should be registered with an NHS doctor. What would you do if you needed treatment for something else?

Yes you might want to chat to your friends, but some of them may find the issues hard to understand which is why contacting a support organisation might be a good idea and they can also advise you on things like this.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/10/2013 22:17

I would suggest you get the professional help first and then tell your friends you need their support, if that's what you'd like to do. Telling friends first, when you haven't got the professional back-up, will put them on the spot and they may not know what to do or say for the best.

Missbopeep · 05/10/2013 22:26

b-eat

Original poster

Nannyme1 · 05/10/2013 23:18

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

I don't think I need to contact a professional I'm just watching what I eat a bit more and exercising everybody does this.

Will have to think about telling friends more... Main reason for wanting to is I don't want them to get offended if I start pulling out of things if they understood it wasn't me not wanting to be with them more I just do t feel up to it sort of thing.

Anyway things to think about.

Thanks for the help to all above!

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 06/10/2013 01:51

I don't think I need to contact a professional I'm just watching what I eat a bit more and exercising everybody does this.

But thats not really true is it? You know you are heading onto that spiral again, you admitted that in your OP, so I do think that you need to speak to someone who can help you. I am watching what I eat and exercising because I am 2.5 stone overweight and it isnt healthy. You are not, you are already perilously close to underweight and that isnt what everybody does when they are underweight.

What is it about weekends that are a trigger for you? Is there something that happens (or not) at weekends that makes you focus inwards in this negative way?

Missbopeep · 06/10/2013 09:29

Things are getting bad again I'm towards the low end of a healthy weight (and wanting to go lower), exercising a lot and self harming quite regularly the last two weekends I have really struggled and have no one where for support.

This is what you said. Why do you want to tell your friends but not seek professional help as well?

Why are you now stepping back and saying things are not really that bad? They clearly are- is this another way of harming yourself- not asking for the right kind of help- and waiting until things really get bad?

Original poster

Nannyme1 · 06/10/2013 14:47

Possibly missbopeep!

OP posts:

MatildaWhispers · 06/10/2013 14:50

Why don't you want to seek professional help?

Missbopeep · 06/10/2013 15:37

Seeking help is 'owning' your illness and being responsible for it and for yourself.
If you avoid this- and maybe that is also why you have not registered with a doctor?- it's making you ignore or hide from the truth.

Waiting until you become more ill and NEED intervention is not - I add kindly- a mature way of living. It's putting off dealing with your emotions and behaviour.

It's being reactive- behaving only when things become worse and choice is not an option for you.

Being proactive and responsible for your own mental and physical health is the way to show you are an adult in control of your life.

Why are you avoiding this?

Pistillate · 06/10/2013 17:02

A friend would not think you were crazy for not telling them. You have not got past the point of telling them. These are difficult things to be open about. If they are true friends, they will not even think "huh, she should have told us before". It is more and more difficult for you, so find a way... Write a note, if speaking about it seems too hard

Twooter · 06/10/2013 17:11

I would think hard about telling your friends. Yes, they would hopefully support you, but just by telling them you would be altering the group dynamics, and it may be more benefit for you for that to go unchanged and seek support elsewhere.

( I had an eating disorder a long time ago, and only told one person, but although they were incredibly supportive, it altered everything as I became more of a victim and less of a mate)

pictish · 06/10/2013 17:23

I don't see anything wrong in telling your friends that you are struggling.
However, seeing as you are not willing to seek help of a professional nature, I am concerned that your expectations of these friends will not be met, and you will feel let down.

If I were your friend, and you told me those things, I would listen and offer sympathy, but I'm not sure I'd be much use beyond that. If you confessed you had self harmed, and were looking to me for help, I think I might be a bit like a rabbit caught in the headlights. As your friend I wou encourage you to see someone versed in the field.

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