So sad and fed up - please help me

[Disillusionedandconfused]

I have been with my husband since I was 19, am now 35. 3 dc's age 15, 10 and 3.

We were in love at first but after eldest dc was born sex life took a nose dive (dh wasn't interested.)

Just before our wedding (when I was 23) found he had been using porn (stash under bed, computer etc) massive argument as I felt betrayed but went ahead with wedding.

Over the years our sex life has never picked up. He said that he had stopped looking at porn but time and time again I found he was. Once we had been to a party and he thought I had gone straight to bed, found him masturbating in the garage over his secret stash :( another time I drove my dd to Brownies, upon returning home he had forgotten to clear the history. The list goes on.

I had a year long 'affair' when I was 25. We never had sex but spent a lot of time together, talking, kissing. I ended it as I felt like I was so torn and didn't want to be the one responsible for breaking our family up.

Our 3rd dc was conceived accidentally but is very much loved (as are all our dc's) however, we have had sex maybe 4 times since she was born.

I was out last night, arrived home at 1 am. Light was on in our bedroom. Found him passed out (asleep/drunk too much) with boxers round his ankles, cock in hand, tissues and iPod playing porn. What if the children had walked in? :(

I woke him up and he slept downstairs. I am so unhappy BUT he is a good dad, works hard, helps round the house. I work part time but we could never afford to split up. He isn't affectionate or loving. I don't want to split up the family because of selfish reasons but waiting until my youngest is 18 seems so far away.

Not told anyone in real life as I just can't.

And I know porn is not a big issue to everyone but to me it is.

Sorry for essay :(

Your choices are a) continue in this incompatible loveless marriage, b) sling him out and manage or c) engage in some couples therapy. You've dismissed b) and I don't see how he's going to agree to c) as he sounds like an entrenched user .... so you're left with a) . Means you make a life as separate to his as you can manage and then, maybe when the kids have left home, you make the separation permanent.

BTW.... I expect your children know exactly how bad it is.

I don't think so any more - not in a physical way. I feel so rejected that he has chosen porn over me that I don't want him to touch me.

I agree. The porn isn't really the issue is it? It's a symptom not the disease.

It feels a ridiculous thing to split up over - he hasn't cheated, or hit me. If there were no dc involved I would not be with him. Can I make it work for the dc to keep a stable home life? They would be devastated. Has anyone else been in this position?

Oh, I told my dh about the affair as well, he didn't leave me because of the children.

I feel like we live separate lives now - he is not very sociable, I spend a lot of time with my friends when socialising. I have said to him that I am not saying his choices are wrong as am sure for lots of women it would be fine, he has lots of good points. Just I choose to not want my husband to behave like that. He says most men do. I don't believe him.

indians thank you! that is encouraging

Bump :(

Perhaps he has never gotten over your emotional affair and uses the porn as an alternative to intimacy? Have you ever asked if he would consider counselling? Might help both of you to speak honestly and openly with a view to putting things to rest and moving on together. I really feel for you it must be a difficult situation to be in;choosing your children over your own happiness. Be kind to yourself x

It's okay to leave a marriage that isn't working. He doesn't have to hit you to be a bad husband.

He may not be physically cheating, but as your DH he should be giving you his sexual energies, not just wanking to porn. That is cheating of a sort - he is cheating you of intimacy, and of a physical relationship.

You also said you're living separate lives, and that sounds as if he's checked out of the relationship.

Not cheating and not hitting you is the minimum one can expect from a good man, it's a very low bar to set IYSWIM.

Big hugs, it can't be easy x

Thankyou sunshine and doorbell.
I will google relationship counselling.

At least I will know I tried my best.

Good luck lovely xxx

I've got a similar problem re a husband using porn so I sympathise.

Mine said it's because we don't have much sex! I know I could have sex 3 times a day with him & it wouldn't stop him using porn.

I'm waiting until my DC have left school (couple of years) & then I'll go. In the meantime, I've told him I'm not going to have ANY sex with him. He can do what he likes, I don't care anymore.

OP please consider counselling

Wota your post has made me so sad, as I think you do care. for you too.

I personally think porn use like this is cheating, I have the 'strange'idea that sex is not a spectator sport, it is something that two people who love each other do together.

You know, there is no law which says you have to stay with a man who makes you unhappy.

You were a teenager when you got together...

Sounds like you have been with him most of your life, so making that choice is hard.

It can be done though. You and your children deserve a better future. Let him -keep his hand on his dick--

Go and get to counselling. You will find your own strength and from there you can make that decision. And please think of the future you are showing your children. You owe them that at least.

You also owe that to yourself by the way...

Thanks *mrsspagbol.