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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trouble with trust and jealousy

4 replies

Inego · 05/10/2013 10:58

Bit of a long one this.

When I met my girlfriend Bella 2 yrs ago I was heavily into attending evening classes in a particular performance art. She was very positive and interested by the fact I did this at the time. I got her to try out training with me, and she met one of my friends Jocelyn. After that training I was subjected to accusations of gazing at Jocelyn and a lot of temper.

The college that I train at employs my ex-girlfriend Helen, in an administrative role during office hours and so not during evening classes. The college is surrounded by a dense and colourful scene of small cabarets and shows of all levels with oppurtunities for training among some of the best in the world, a scene I have always been desperate to move into since before I met Bella and which she was initially keen on seeing too.

Bella generally refuses to go near anything to do with my hobby, as she hates Helen and Jocelyn, despite having met Jocelyn once and Helen never at all. If I do or want to do anything more there than my two classes a week I am subjected to snide remarks and accusations of infidelity.

Bella has been cheated on by previous boyfriends and one husband, so some insecurity is understandable, but this seems like living my life in a way to make up for the mistakes of others, and two yrs in I can't see how she's ever going to act as thought she trusts me. I wonder if she really distrusts me at all or something else is going on.

On top of all that she fell out and refuses to speak to or even be around another friend Steven over a really trivial matter, and I can't be accused of wanting to sleep with HIM.

What is going on?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/10/2013 11:18

It's emotional bullying. Manipulation. When you're with someone so insecure, if you keep modifying your behaviour in and effort to make them feel more secure you'll end up miserable, isolated and one day you'll wake up and wonder where your life went. Love is.... 'loving someone for who they are'.... not bullying them into being something they're not.

Meerka · 05/10/2013 11:29

From what you say, she needs to learn how to live with her fear of loosing someone before she actually gets involved with anyone again. She doesn't sound ready for an adult relationship of equals.

"trust in god but tie your camel up first" ... yeah, sure, keep a sensible eye out for discrepancies in your bf and what he's saying, but not a paranoid one. The point comes where you have to trust, or else you start shoving your bf (or gf) into a smaller and smaller box which he has to grow down to fit into and stunts him, not upwards into what he can become. She can grow with you, in her own hobbies if that is what she wants, or you can grow apart.

Keep going with your hobby, at all costs, it sounds like you truly love it. Speak to her and lay out that the jealousy is not endurable. Suggest gently and calmly that she needs to (genuinely) work on it, or else that you don't think that things will work out between you. Give her a few months, if you are basically keen on her; and keep an eye out for her genuinely trying to face her insecurity and change, not just hiding it. That deeply rooted a problem will only come out later, if she hides it.

something2say · 05/10/2013 12:27

It's ok to leave. It must be a nightmare, living like this. The problem is hers, not yours. If you have done nothing to warrant her mis trust like still being into your exes, then the issue is solely hers and nothing you do or say will resolve it.

Offred · 05/10/2013 19:58

Your gf is a dick. LTB.

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