I like being asleep more than I like being awake

[Punkatheart]

Last night I dreamt that my ex partner came back and made us all a happy family again. It was a sweet happy dream, where my daughter was also thrilled. He took us to Paris and there was lots of food, good weather etc.

When I woke up, I was a sick person, with increasingly more serious health problems (lymphoma), my daughter still has serious depression/suspected bipolar and he is forcing us to sell our home.

Does anyone else here do that with their brain - simplify or make things happen in sleep and then wake up to horrible reality? Is the answer just to sleep? Or better still die in your sleep? I am seriously wondering whether it is.

I am trying - honestly I am. Trying to get writing work. Trying to be a good mum but my daughter shouts at me one minute and then sits crying and looking into space the next minute. Her CBT counselling is hopeless and it is utterly destructive watching your daughter crumble. I don't know if anyone else has experienced their child's mental health problems but it really is hard to deal with when you are exhausted. I feel shaky most of the time with it all.

Yesterday I attended a networking event. Put on a dress and chatted to lots of women talking about their lovely husbands, families and how their children were doing. It wasn't smug - just chat. But everyone around me seemed to have their life sorted.

So tell me please that I am a weak, self-pitying freak. That I am letting down the sisterhood and that I should be strong, or someone in those daft American film who becomes a millionaire but just spirit and determination alone. I am going to write a bestselling book and then be signing your books for you, beautiful husband at my side.

I am worrying about stupid stuff now. How are we going to live? Where are my two chickens going to live? Worry is pointless, right?

Tell me about fluffy kittens and bunnies, please.

Oh, pet - I don't know what to say about the practical stuff but - <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=eng.namonitore.ru/uploads/catalog/cats/pushistiy_kotenok_1600.jpg&imgrefurl=eng.namonitore.ru/catalog/cats/pushistiy_kotenok.html&h=1200&w=1600&sz=275&tbnid=nM8tWSfBnikJfM:&tbnh=101&tbnw=134&zoom=1&usg=__FBlGDxJxvUlZXLRECM01nyGlhRI=&docid=INZn8nBf413VJM&sa=X&ei=1sNPUpbeEc6UhQevnoCYCQ&sqi=2&ved=0CEYQ9QEwAw" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">have a kitten.

It's not weak or self-pitying to live under stress and (having experienced it myself) I'd say escapist dreams are part and parcel. All the women at your networking event probably thought you had your life sorted... few people when you ask 'how's it going?' socially give you the honest, grisly truth. Sorry you're having such a rough time and I hope you have some good friends or family IRL to help you through.

Oh lovely, you're not weak or a freak, please get that out of your head; you're just having a rough time at the moment.

Echoing Cogito, most people put on a front when networking, their lives/marriages could well be crap!

You're under a lot of pressure given your daughters state of mind, so ease up on yourself..and write that book, why not!

(I have the reverse by the way, bad dreams, that coupled with sometimes a bad reality, now that really is rubbish , made you feel better?)

You are strong - you're still here. Have another cat

Nice dame

Please don't assume things when you look at other people because chances are they are dealing with their own shit. You will get through this. Just put one foot in front of the other and take one day at a time even an hour at a time if you have to.

Most people think I have everything. They would be shocked if they knew the truth. As someone upthread said, very few people tell you the reality. Hugs to you x.

Just seen a comment you posted on another thread, Punkatheart and have to say that sparing the time and energy to think about someone else and then write such a lovely supportive post, when you're going through a whole load of trouble and despair yourself, makes you officially a Really Nice Person.

agree with annie x1000,000

I know exactly what you mean punk but as you know there will be a fair smattering of misery in those families. People don't like to acknowledge this.

Hope your crap patch passes soon

I used to have a lot of dreams like that at times of pain and heartbreak, yes.

Re writing work - it's not you, there's bugger-all around. Which is grim (speaking as someone also 'pitching into the void' as a friend puts it) but at least it is not personal.

Oh Punka, I do the same thing myself! I actually wake up crying from my dreams. My ex left in April after 27 years of marriage and myself and my youngest daughter have been left devastated. My oldest daughter was expecting a baby and my youngest was about to sit important exams. Ex does not take the blame for anything. My oldest daughter ended up in hospital with the stress and feared for her baby. Thank goodness the little one arrived ok. And I have been trying my best to help her with the baby but I have health problems myself. And with the baby just arriving ex has now decided to hit me with nasty lawyers letters. My daughter does not want him to see the baby and neither of the girls want anything to do with him and he thinks I am the one telling them this but they are all of an age where they can make up their own minds.
All I am saying is that we all have problems, all my family and friends are well to do and seem to be leading good lives and at the same time I wonder what the hell has happened to me and my girls. I try to keep on going too and to not give in, but it's hard. So I understand where you are coming from. xxx

Mrsmciver - I understand. My daughter has also cut off from her father and yes, he has now sent me a solicitor's letter, asking me to sell the house. I am glad that the baby was OK - you sound as if you have a lovely family around you. Yes he will try and tell himself that you are the problem with his children - mine does that too - but he is too afraid to look at himself full on in the mirror.

Onwards and upwards for everyone here who is going through hell too. Love back too for the kindly souls who have sent me cats (and a hunk) - it means a lot that people take the time in their busy lives.

I like the phrase 'pitching into the void' motherinferior - it is exactly that. I am chasing travel pitches at the moment, to try and get a holiday for myself and my daughter - but also to build my portfolio. I am determined when I am well but my weak body can't keep up with my mind. My chemo drug also causes depression. It's horrible being poorly and again I send hugs to people here who have bad health too. I am inspired at the moment by a journalist friend who has just had her leg removed below the knee. She is an incredible person and for some, life has a way of making them what they are - in a good way.

I am tired. So very tired. But I have to help my daughter who is truly worrying me. Her moods are worse and worse. It has to be about them, doesn't it? I think also looking out of yourself, does help...

Do you want to sell your house? If not, I would wait and let him take it to court. You may find that a judge would place an order saying you can live in it until your daughter is 18, especially considering her (and your) health issues. So sorry you're going through all this.

Technically I could do that. But I cannot afford the mortgage and if he defaulted, we would lose our home completely. I have made him agree to a builder coming in and fixing things up so that we get the maximum price. But although I have agreed in theory to selling the place - I want to make conditions over timing. I keep telling myself that miracles can happen but two years of crap does make it unlikely now.

But thank you Cheese. Money cannot buy happiness but it can certainly give security and an anchor, which is what my daughter and I definitely need at the moment. It's just money. A ridiculous barrier.